This is going to be a long post, so I apologize in advance.

My husband and I got together when we were both 19 and in college. When we got together, I was in a really bad place. I was going through an episode of depression, was drinking heavily and sleeping around. On top of that, I was being stalked by an ex. I was treating everyone around me horribly, and I was treating myself horribly too. I felt awful about my behavior all the time, but felt like I couldn't control it. At the time, J was very supportive of me, being my friend, telling me I didn't need to be doing this to myself. Eventually, I did stop and we started dating. We got married the following year.

The first few years of our marriage were ok, but not perfect. My self-esteem was still very low and I was very insecure. I always felt he would eventually find someone better and leave me. I know this was difficult for him to deal with, and feel very badly about this. I also had incredible guilt and shame about my previous behavior. He was not perfect either. He would walk off jobs, saying they weren't "treating him fairly" and often would wait to look for another job for a few months. Even when he was unemployed, I would still be expected to do a lot of the housework, especially the chores that needed to be done daily, like cooking.

We had our first child after 6 years of marriage. Shortly after she was born, I realized that I had been suffering from depression for years. Up until this point, I thought I was just a horrible b****. I never realized I didn't HAVE to feel this way. Went to the doc and she prescribed Paxil. After a few weeks, I felt like a new person. Approached J and told him that I realized my behavior had affected our marriage and wanted to go to a marriage counselor to work through these things with him. The response I got was that it was my problem, not his, and he wasn't going to a counselor.

After our second child was born, things really began to change. At first, J seemed sad and upset. He told me he wasn't sure if he could deal with the things I had done in the past (drinking and sleeping around).
At this point in time, he decided he wanted to transfer at his job to a location closer to where we grew up. He said he wanted to be closer to our parents b/c they were getting older. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but agreed to move. While preparing to move, I found out I was pregnant again.

Once we moved, things REALLY changed. J became angrier about my past. I got called "stupid worthless wh***" pretty much daily. He would call me from work countless times during the day to check up on me. There were a couple instances of physical abuse. He told me he admitted the abuse to one of his female coworkers, and she couldn't believe it, b/c he was "such a nice guy". One day after our son was born, he called to tell me he wanted me to have a paternity test done on the kids. I said fine, because I knew what the results would be. Well , this wasn't the "right" answer. Actually, my responses were NEVER right to anything he said. I didn't have a "job" at this point, so all the childcare/housework/shopping fell to me, since he was working. After taking care of a newborn, a 14 month old, and a 2 1/2 yr old all day, I was exhausted. We were seeing a counselor at one point in this, and I remember the counselor telling me that J had said that he felt like I never had time for HIM. Throughout all this, I was still expected to have sex whenever HE wanted it. Didn't matter if I was exhausted, hurt from his yelling, whatever. Anyways, we eventually got divorced, because HE decided he wanted one. (When he had found out months before that I went to a lawyer to seek counsel on a divorce, he exploded, so I dropped it at that time.)

After the divorce he moved in with his parents. He expected me to move into my parents' house, which was just a couple miles away. I did not. I moved back to the city we previously lived in, 2 1/2 hours away. I guess this pissed him off. At first, I still got harassing phone calls from him, even when I was at work. He would throw a guilt trip on me, saying I had upset him, so he wasn't going to take the kids on his weekend. I began working with a counselor. After a while, J stopped the anger and began to be "nice", sending me gifts, telling me how he wanted to work on things, blah, blah, blah. I was getting to the point that I wanted him out of my life. I wanted to move on.

Then something happened that would change my family's life. My daughter had her first seizure 6 months after we divorced. She was in and out of the hospital constantly. They couldn’t get her seizures under control. This seemed to change J. He said he blamed himself, saying he felt like if he hadn't become an ahole, she wouldn't have gotten sick. J still wanted to work on things and get back together. I was torn. I finally decided to get back together with him, mainly because I felt that our kids needed the support of both parents, especially now that one was so sick. We moved back in together, and got remarried a little over a year after our divorce.

Things were ok for a couple of years. Then he met someone at work. He took her to lunch, bought her flowers, took her to a concert. I know there was physical contact, but J swore he never had sex with her, not that that mattered. He stated he wanted to separate, he was getting an apartment, and we could work on things. Again. This time I exploded. I told him that if he was moving out, we could just get a divorce. And things would be different than the last time. I would not be his "friend". I didn't care about his personal life, and mine was none of his business. The only thing I would talk to him about was the kids. After my explosion, he decided to stay and work on things.

Eventually, we bought a house and moved. Things seemed ok for several years. I had to get a job to help with the finances. The only thing I could get was a 3rd shift job so that someone was always available to watch my daughter. I was still expected to do all the things that I had done around the house when I wasn’t working. I was getting stressed out trying to keep up with the house, kids, and a job. I said something to J about how I felt. J became upset, and began yelling about my past again. The anger came back. No physical abuse this time, but a lot of emotional abuse.

Things seem to go in cycles with him. He’s angry, distant, and cold for a while, then he’s nice, attentive, wanting to do things with me. I never know what to expect. I do notice a lot of times that when he becomes distant and cold, he always seems to have a female friend that he is always texting, confiding in, etc. Haven’t seen any evidence that he is in a physical affair with them. But I know he is telling them how horribly I treat him. (I contacted one of his “friends” and talked to her. He was not happy) Looking back through the years, this seems to be a consistent tactic of his. When we first got together, I always heard about how horribly his parents treated him. Then it was work. And I guess now it’s me.

I have been preparing myself for leaving him. The main reason I went back to school and became an RN was so that I wouldn’t feel financially dependent on him anymore. I am trying to get my depression and anxiety under control so that I feel like I can make a good decision. But I also feel like he sometimes tries to sabotage me, making me feel guilty for my past, or making me feel guilty for our financial situation, or whatever else he can blame me for. I have not been perfect, far from it. But when an issue is brought to my attention, I do make an effort to change.

Looking back on the past 25 years, I am questioning a lot of things now. His apathy when I would be struggling with work or an issue with the kids, sex only when he wanted it, his attitude that I never worked as hard as he did because I didn’t bring home as much $ as he did, his attitude that I “owed” him because he “saved” me from my bad behavior. (I even got asked on a couple of occasions “Where would you be without me?”)

I know in my heart what I need to do, but the guilt and doubt continue to plague me. Am I wrong for feeling like I have been used and mistreated? Why am I always doubting myself?