I talked with my boyfriend last night.... he said he remembered, and that he's noticed, he just doesn't know what to do. He said he wants me to stop, but it sounded like he was just saying it, like stating a fact that should be obvious. And then he just left it. He didn't ask with what, where, when, or anything that could help him stop me. It just made everything hurt worse.

RANT: I know he loves me and cares about me. But I spend half my time telling him to get going, get out of bed, do the dishes for your mom like you said you would last night, call this person, you have an appointment today, you haven't eaten today, #$&%! It's like I'm his daytime and crisis worker not his girlfriend...

And I know he's sick, and I know he's not getting help and that's NOT HIS FAULT, because no doctor wants to take him, and he cant afford therapy, and he can't afford any type of support, and he can't really afford his meds, and they're not working anyway, but still.... I wish he actually cared enough to do something instead of just avoid the topic and hope I make it better.

I really want to tell T... but I'm so scared. I don't know how to bring it up, and I canceled our last two appointments (admittedly I was sick), so I feel like I've dropped so much since I last saw her. And I don't know how to bring it up because she worked with me while I was in hospital and saw how good I was doing when I got out. That was less than a month ago!

And now every time I feel like he doesn't care, it makes me want to cut more. I feel like he wouldn't even say anything if he saw the cuts, only if he saw me with a blade.

Miguel'smom, thank you for that list. It seems really useful. I did some safety plans and crisis planning and stuff in hospital, but I think it needs updating... I don't think I can fill it out honestly right now though. I'm at the point I have really impaired judgement and know it.

On the plus side, I'm moving out of his place next week and into my own. (Note, his place has like 9 people living in a 3 bedroom apartment) I'm really hoping that helps things and things just go back to being more stable.

Sorry that was so long...