Cutting, and no one cares...

Or at least no one has noticed.

I never use to cut. I've been super careful to avoid anything that could cause me harm for years. But this depression I've started binging on drugs, and self harming. I've been slicing up the inside of my ankle for two weeks now, and no one has noticed. Not even my boyfriend, who I live with, and sleep next to every night.

I tried to tell him because I felt bad because he couldn't even tell despite me suddenly doing drugs that I was depressed, and I started crying and telling him that I'd started cutting, and he fell asleep and didn't remember in the morning.

I feel like ****. I can't stop, and I don't know why. I'm scared because I've seen so many people go through this, and I've dealt with depression before, and I know that I shouldn't and that it will hurt my boyfriend when he does figure it out, but I just cant stop.

And I really needed to tell someone, so thank you.

do you have a t? can you talk to someone that can help bring you back to balance?

Not really. I have a T, but it's temporary and it's not until next tuesday... and I don't want her to be mad at me.

Switch, i really don't think that your T will be mad at you... more concerned. can you tell your boyfriend straight up? i think you'll feel better and relieved to get it off your chest, and he'll be able to support you.

--Sam

My therapist wasn't mad when I told her. She was just there to help me find better ways to deal with stuff. If your boyfriend was half asleep he might not have remembered the conersation. Maybe he saw the cuts on your ankle and thought they were accidents or something. I would talk to your T about it.

A lot of family don't know how to bring it up even if they notice. You need to tell your T how bad your depression is. The marks and drugs show how bad it is getting. If you need to write it down and hand it to T. You may want to write your own crisis plan so you can have control over things. You should probably give T one. You want to have as much control if things get worse

Mine has:
1. The following symptoms indicate that I am no longer able to make the decisions for myself, that I am no longer able to be responsible for myself or to make appropriate choices:
2. When I clearly have some of the above symptoms, I want the following people to make decisions for me, see that I get appropriate treatment and to give care and support:
3. I*do not*want the following people involved in any capacity, in my care or treatment(list the names and optionally why you do not want them involved):
4. Who can visit?
5. Preferred medication and why?
6. Acceptable medications and why?
7. Unacceptable medications and why?
8. Acceptable treatments and why?
Unacceptable treatments and why?
10. Preferred treatment facilities and why?
11. What I want my supporters to do if I'm a danger to myself or others?
12. How I want disagreements between my supporters settled?
13. I (give/do not give) permission for my supporters to talk with each other about my symptoms and to make plans to assist me.
14. Indicators that supporters no longer need to use this plan

no one deserves to be in pain.....we all go through tough times, and we all need someone to care about how we really feel. i hope you get better and find a healthy way to fight depression

I talked with my boyfriend last night.... he said he remembered, and that he's noticed, he just doesn't know what to do. He said he wants me to stop, but it sounded like he was just saying it, like stating a fact that should be obvious. And then he just left it. He didn't ask with what, where, when, or anything that could help him stop me. It just made everything hurt worse.

RANT: I know he loves me and cares about me. But I spend half my time telling him to get going, get out of bed, do the dishes for your mom like you said you would last night, call this person, you have an appointment today, you haven't eaten today, #$&%! It's like I'm his daytime and crisis worker not his girlfriend...

And I know he's sick, and I know he's not getting help and that's NOT HIS FAULT, because no doctor wants to take him, and he cant afford therapy, and he can't afford any type of support, and he can't really afford his meds, and they're not working anyway, but still.... I wish he actually cared enough to do something instead of just avoid the topic and hope I make it better.

I really want to tell T... but I'm so scared. I don't know how to bring it up, and I canceled our last two appointments (admittedly I was sick), so I feel like I've dropped so much since I last saw her. And I don't know how to bring it up because she worked with me while I was in hospital and saw how good I was doing when I got out. That was less than a month ago!

And now every time I feel like he doesn't care, it makes me want to cut more. I feel like he wouldn't even say anything if he saw the cuts, only if he saw me with a blade.

Miguel'smom, thank you for that list. It seems really useful. I did some safety plans and crisis planning and stuff in hospital, but I think it needs updating... I don't think I can fill it out honestly right now though. I'm at the point I have really impaired judgement and know it.

On the plus side, I'm moving out of his place next week and into my own. (Note, his place has like 9 people living in a 3 bedroom apartment) I'm really hoping that helps things and things just go back to being more stable.

Sorry that was so long...

I know where you are coming from with your bf. You have to remember that he isn't a doctor and he may not know how to help you. It sounds like he is dealing with a lot on his own, and being his crisis manager is putting a burden on yourself.

From my experience cutting (or Self harm) is a form of coping. It made all the emotional stuff (depression) I was going thru feel less overwhelming. I had to learn how to challenge the internal feelings and how I perceived events that made me want to hurt myself.

For example, I had (sometimes I still do) really low self esteem. there are times when I would get rejectedd or have some failing that made me want to hurt myself. I had to look at these experience and evaluate how I reacted to them. I would get for angry for failing and then I would direct that toward myself and obsess of negative thoughts about myself and eventual hurt myself. Afterwards I would feel less down and I guess more numb than anything. What I have to do is look at when I fail or other triggers for me. I had to learn to accept I won't be perfect at everything and sometimes people won't like me, but that doesn't mean I am worthless. If I fail at one thing, it doesn't mean I am a complete failure and without any value. It just means that I made a mistake and I can learn from that mistake and not make it again. Hurting myself because I fail isn't a positive way to handle the situation.

I think a good therapist will understand the need for self injury from some people. I think a good one will teach you how to cope with life and find more positive ways to handle the triggers or events that make you want to hurt yourself. Remember it is up to you what you talk to your therapist about. You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to or are not ready to talk about.

I spend half my time telling him to get going, get out of bed, do the dishes for your mom like you said you would last night, call this person, you have an appointment today, you haven't eaten today, #$&%!
This as how my husband was before he got the correct Dx. and medication. Can he go to county mental health?
Not saying much about is not saying he doesn't care but he doesn't know how to handle it. The best way is to blurt it out to T right as s/he asks the first questions.

Hi Switch, I hope you can be honest with your T because this is the only way she can help you. It sounds like you think you can only share good news with her because otherwise she will be disappointed? T's know that getting better is hard and they want you to share this hard stuff because they want to help you and this is the only way they can help you.

Your bf sounds like he can't even take care of himself so I wouldn't think that he could help you very much at all? It isn't because he doesn't care. It sounds like it is because he just can't.

Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?

Keeping you guys posted.

Told my T today, and it went really well. She was easy to talk to and understanding. However, she wants me to go back into hospital, but she let me have a week because I'm moving. I had to promise her that I wouldn't do anything permanent. Ie, cut too deep, or get on any new drugs. And I have to call her every day before 1 to check in. Which is fine because I'm stuck in my apartment all week anyway and have no access to anything new, and i can try not to cut too deep.

but then I had to go to group... where I absentmindedly started stabbing myself with a pencil. No one seemed to notice by the time I did, and it was keeping me grounded, but apparently my T noticed (she runs the group) and I also apparently had a doctors appointment after which I didn't remember, which meant that she told my doctor, who made it this big thing about how far I've come and why am I giving it all up now, and it's okay because everyone runs into road blocks and set back but that I'm taking it too far. They were going to make me call in every day, but I already said I'd do that with T. Though they want me to come in tomorrow and thursday to check in. The whole thing sucked. And hurt. And felt like I was under attack. And made me want to cut more.

Which is about where I am. Thank god my boyfriend was home, and in a good mood when I got back...

I feel bad about group though. I didn't mean to do that and I didn't mean to upset anyone...

I guess I can't complain about no one noticing or caring any more...

But your T appt. was good?

Yeah. T was good... really difficult, but good.

Having people care that you're hurting is a good thing, especially ones that truly can help.