Wow! There's a lot going on here, and it goes deep.

I'm not an expert on relationships. Some of my relationships work, and others don't work no matter how hard I try. I suppose that applies to everyone, but I'd like to know sooner which relationships to give up on!

But I digress. Sorry.

Could there be a part of that doesn't believe you are worthy of love?

PS:

If I read your history correctly, you have tried both passion and stability. You seem to have chosen stability. Your husband is a good man, but he doesn't sound very passionate. (Sorry if I'm out of line.) And I perceive your T the same way. Your boss seems to be another source of stability in your life.

Your job requires you to be stable, and I can see you struggling with that.