Quote:
Originally Posted by CantExplain
Could there be a part of that doesn't believe you are worthy of love?
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I think there is still a part of me that feels inherently unworthy. I like to think that it is a past version, but it's still there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CantExplain
If I read your history correctly, you have tried both passion and stability. You seem to have chosen stability. Your husband is a good man, but he doesn't sound very passionate. (Sorry if I'm out of line.) And I perceive your T the same way. Your boss seems to be another source of stability in your life.
Your job requires you to be stable, and I can see you struggling with that.
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I chose stability because I am unstable by nature. As a rule, my H is not a passionate man. You are not out of line to say so. However, his passion could be in the way he is devoted to me. When I fell apart last weekend, he tried to help me in any way he could. He does need help and asks, "What do you need me to do?" If my answer was to jump into the river from the drawbridge, he would probably do it.
Maybe this is passion (or crazy, I'm not sure). I have told him repeatedly he needs to lose weight. He finally told me one evening that he hasn't lost the weight because he knew he was enough of an arrogant @$$hole now (he's not to me or our friends, but he couldn't care less about the general public), and if he became trim, he might become even more arrogant and possibly he would start making my life hell. He said he would rather give me 10 good years and have a heart attack than 25 s**tty ones. He was in tears at this point. Once the enormity of that message hit home, I cried and cried, then went into a daze which lasted a couple of days. I mean, what did I do to deserve this love? When I relayed this story to T, she started crying a little.
T is rather passionate when she chooses to be, much more demonstrably so than H can, but she is not a stable presence. I saw her passion most when she tried to help keep me from breaking down while her life was falling apart due to cancer. I broke down anyway, but she tried. She has shown me how much she loves me in fits and spurts. I'm learning that when she is tough on me, it is actually out of love also.
My boss is also a stable presence in my life. My job does require me to be stable and some days, that is very hard for me. If I freak, my clients freak, my employees freak, and my coworkers freak. I have to stay reliable in the way of a "mother hen". I have it in me most days and I know the days I don't, I leave.
Thanks, CE, you helped me work some things out!