Missladyred,

I think you described your feelings really well. I've felt like that a lot, I've never felt normal. I've always felt like I've been outside of it all. I couldn't be normal if I tried and DO feel absurdly uncomfortable at 'normal' social events. I never know what to say, I know I will never be the way they are, why should I bother? I know I can't relate to any semblance of normalcy... I don't think it's just feeling 'normal' for me though. I think I can't relate to happiness, that's the truth of it for me.
When I see people being happy and content I can fall easily into a pit of despair and torture myself in my own head. I FEAR I will never have happiness...ever. How could I be happy? I have this disorder, I can't relate to others, I have no extended history of happy memories.

It's hard for me to have judgment prior to an event though because I am horrible at integrating...How do I even know not to go when I won't know how I'll feel when I'm there?

I know it's so hard ladyred (((big warm hugs))) to you. At the very least we all have eachother and we know what it's like. It SUCKS. Well, at least we're not all alone while it sucks