Social situations always trigger me.

Last night I went to a wedding. It was a friend of my boyfriends, a guy in one of his bands and I had only met them once or twice, but I was flattered I got invited and since my boyfriend was singing at the wedding I thought I'll make myself go (even though I would usually run from these sort of occasions)

The day was nice and fun and the wedding was really sweet but I could not stop hating on myself all day. Watching a couple get married, having loads of people there, and seeing a normal couple, with loving family and friends around made me so depressed. As I listened to the speeches from their parents and close friends I couldn't not help but look around and think i will never have this. The parents of the couple spoke of their wonderful qualities, achievements and successes. The friends spoke of a long term friendship with so many memories, people loved the couple, and everyone was happy and social. I started getting panicy and tuning out. My mind filled with hatred and regret, disappointed and sadness and I filled up with more and more red wine. ( I abuse alcohol on a regular basis) I thought to myself my parents would never say such things about me as they are disappointed in me and I have not succeeded in anything. Ive failed my way through life, ended up in bad situations with bad jobs, nothing but drama, mental illness and a string of bad relationships to define me. Then I thought if I got married, who would I invite, I have no friends. People keep dropping out of my life like flies. I always feel uncomfortable at weddings, birthdays, christmas, baby showers, etc for they are lives I will never know and feel I can not relate too. I got very anxious last night and my boyfriend could see me dropping off into my own dangerous mind. I thought how I don't belong in this sort of social group, I don't belong in any social group and that I'm better off alone. All I could picture for 15 minutes was me running away, leaving me partner and starting a new life, where people didn't know me and I would never have to attend any of these social situations again. I spent all night wishing I was someone else, the bride, her sister, the girl sitting next to me at the table, anyone but myself. Anyone who had a normal life, with people around the, and were not so consumed by pain, and hurt and anger and regret. I am so very lucky to have the partner I do. He is my soulmate and I love him to the moon and back, but I'll never feel deserving of him or feel i'll fit into his life, a normal life. He does accept me for who I am and my condition, but some days I feel it would be best to leave him as I can be so awful and needy and dramatic, and he deserves only the best.
Sorry for the rant, think it was all over the place. Just wanted to express a situation that triggered me last night. All i wanted to do was leave the wedding, come home and cry. And I did just that.

how old are MissRed if you dont mind me asking? x

aw sorry you had a rough night when people are in love families tend to see that and will say more kinder things at weddings unless their drunk then you get rude speeches.

if u have someone who respects you for you run with it their isn't that many decent people out there. u got it good

Missladyred,

I think you described your feelings really well. I've felt like that a lot, I've never felt normal. I've always felt like I've been outside of it all. I couldn't be normal if I tried and DO feel absurdly uncomfortable at 'normal' social events. I never know what to say, I know I will never be the way they are, why should I bother? I know I can't relate to any semblance of normalcy... I don't think it's just feeling 'normal' for me though. I think I can't relate to happiness, that's the truth of it for me.
When I see people being happy and content I can fall easily into a pit of despair and torture myself in my own head. I FEAR I will never have happiness...ever. How could I be happy? I have this disorder, I can't relate to others, I have no extended history of happy memories.

It's hard for me to have judgment prior to an event though because I am horrible at integrating...How do I even know not to go when I won't know how I'll feel when I'm there?

I know it's so hard ladyred (((big warm hugs))) to you. At the very least we all have eachother and we know what it's like. It SUCKS. Well, at least we're not all alone while it sucks

I've heard people with BPD described as the great outsiders. Actually, it was by Dr. Linehan herself in a documentary on BPD that I saw recently.

I've felt this exact same way more times than I can count. I've lost most of my friends, haven't had a significant other in years, and my family has abandoned me because they have no idea how to deal with my illness and shy away from mental illness. Usually, I am able to accept my life reasonably well; this is what I have and I need to be happy with it. When I get around normal situations like this and see people so happy, it makes me compare my life to theirs and I see myself lacking so much it only breaks my heart. I have no one to spend holidays with. I usually volunteer to work Christmas and Thanksgiving because I never, ever have plans to spend these days with anyone. I will probably never get married, and my birthday is one of the loneliest days of the year. While I do have friends, I want so much more for myself. I want people to be close to me and to love me. It's a rough feeling. You're not alone.

I'm 30 years old. Although I feel so left behind in life and feel as though I am still learning basic things, like human interaction, that I actually feel 15.

Thanks Stratocaster. Hugs are well received and much needed. Glad to know I am not alone and others feel the same and struggle with these situations also.

The great outsiders hey, well that is very fitting indeed. Have felt like that for as long as I can remember. If only we all lived close to each other and we could all hang out and be outsiders together.

Thanks for the message, and glad I am not alone. Omg birthdays, I hate them! I've had so many that people haven't showed up to, so i don't bother with them anymore. I didn't want a 30th last year as I knew it would be depressing and no one would show, so I skipped town with my sister to ignore it was my birthday.
It's just made me think how it would be cool for some of us to send each other birthday cards on our birthdays to cheer us up. Everyone loves a parcel in the mail, and I love sending them.

Miss, I can totally and utterly relate with the trigger of a social event. I am glad you shared that post. It's so difficult being in a situation and feeling so alien to it all.

Miss, I feel for you, I honestly do and I understand.

Can I just ask, and I not sure you feel same but do those situations make you feel unsafe? What I mean is…when I at social event, I feel like an alien, plus, nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. That's what I mean about unsafe. Plus, when drinking away to make myself more sociable I end up crying…nearly every single time. I know I am a freak.

I am in my thirties also, well, the wrong side of 35! You know a bit about me by now anyway Miss! I am in relationship 16yrs but it doesn't feel like a relationship anymore…it feels like he is caring for me and he has said that too.

Oh, and another thing about what you said about feeling like a teenager trying to interact etc. I cried reading that because I feel that too…I often think I am part of the 'Peter Pan Gang'.

It is so frustrating that I in a totally different timezone to you guys.

Another thing…does anyone experience extreme anxiety, panic etc months before the actual social event itself? I am physically sick with the thoughts of impending social situations.so self conscious…so exposed etc.

Do you get that?

Miss, big hug

Kind of off subject but... I'm reading all of these posts of everyone who says that they have no friends (or very few friends) but all of you have a significant other. How did this work out for you? I am way past the point where I'll meet someone in my everyday life, and doing online dating anymore I can't even get past the first few emails. I just... don't even know how to do it anymore. I don't understand how, if it's difficult to make friends how one can have a significant other. It's seems that I've lost out on that in life.

Hi misskeena…that's a very good question! I often wonder why he still with me. Well here is a bit of my story… I live in a small town and met my partner when I was young… maintaining the relationship is extremely difficult and I'm not even sure where we are at the moment. But, I honestly think it was meeting at young age and then it kind of grew, every time he has threatened to break up I have clung to him, begged him, promised I would change etc.

So not sure how that weighs up on the relationship scales!

16yrs later…he needs out but I need him! The longer the relationship goes on the harder it gets to try and go it alone. Even though I still feel alone…does that make sense?

I have mentioned before that he has said he feels more of a carer than anything else. That makes me so sad. I feel so sorry for him. Maybe this reply isn't very helpful…because this not a very healthy relationship but just thought I'd share.

Hang on in there misskeena, I hope you will find what you are looking for. Even though we may not believe it we all deserve love.

Significant other? (looks around) Oh, yeah. I've never even had a conversation with a boy I'm not related to! But seriously, that's an interesting observation.

Honestly I didn't go looking for it or anything. We kind of just met by chance. She just understood me and I felt like I understood her. That's a really vague answer but... yeah.

Thanks for the reply Beautiful. Sounds like we are on the same page as I understand what you mean. I definitely feel like an alien when at social situations and feel trapped! ( the ridiculous thing is there have been times when I've lost reality for a while and thought perhaps I really WAS an alien as I just have never felt I fit in with his world)
I end up crying most times too. Usually I can wait till I get home and my partner has to deal with it, but sometimes I can't and ill run to the toilets and cry into my head for ages.
Glad I'm not the only one who feels the same about feeling like a teenager. Its like I've grown older in body but i still feel lost like a 15 year old. Im still finding out how people work, stuff 10 year olds understand. Perhaps being bullied for many years from the age of 7 right through high school made me wary of people and unfamiliar with they way they work.

Leading up to social events i am a wreck! For many years i had to be drunk before i left the house. Now I'm doing things less intoxicating these days but some days i will have major panic attacks, freak out so much and half the time i wont up up attending as I have worked myself into a state there is no coming back from. Its a horrid thing. Sorry you go through it too. Hugs to you!!

MissKeena. I had given up all hope and accepted id never meet anyone. Ive done internet dating for years (coz im so socially awkward) and met a bunch of nasty men or ones that ran for the hill as soon as I got too close to them. I guess when I'm single I'm somewhat confident coz i pretend to be ok. I met my match but i hid my true self really well for a while. As lame as this may sound i think the fact that he is the ONE, helps everything. Everyone other relationship ive had has been awful. Ive caused a lot of drama, (but i also had a few abusive men when i was younger) and i thought i was too messed up for anyone to ever love me. My partner is truly one in a hundred and when my illness came out, he actually didn't run. The first one who didn't and saw the person behind the illness. Ive caused some hard times, but its because of him im getting better.
Don't give up MissKeena. This is a girl who hated herself so much that I was really to end my life, but one day I met someone who showed me my light. Something no one has ever done. I can tell you're a caring person. I know it might sound easy for me to say this, but if I can find someone, anyone can, its just a matter of time. And if i can meet someone who accepts my illness and all my issues, you can too, and you are deserving of it too. Sorry for the rabble.

dont be so harsh on yourself.we are not god,neither we are evil.
we are just human who make big mistakes.

even if no one person is present in yr wedding its better to acknowledge that,after all u two are happy,u dont need meery speeches and a lots of friends to have a wedding.its just customary to have these but actual love does not need these.
dont hurt yrself in this way,u care for yr bf.its evident.u r alive,yr bf loves u.give him a fighting chance.jst remember u have to come out of the drama triangle..that needy greedy love.
im trying hard too.
my family doesnt like my soulmate.her family doesnt like me.
so perhaps we will have a handful of friends in our marriage.
dont be sad.
i have made too many big mistakes too..im jst working harder to avoid any new BIG mistake.
i know my girl loves me n i wont disappoint her.god give u strength for bearing this pain.n thanx for sharing.i know there is someone who have the same problem like me.