I've almost come to terms with how I've felt all these years. Its almost like I'm ready to die. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, so that's not on the table. I think about it along but the thoughts don't linger. My life is just pointless, to me anyway. I'm 40 and spend each and every day alone, outside of work. I am seeing a therapist and a psychologist and I'm still trying little things to make myself feel more positive.

No single event brought this on. Its just genuine self-hated. And its been this way for 20 years. I think what Im saying now is that it seems I'm at peace with this and I could be gone tomorrow and not be scared.

Trying to stay alcohol free, seeking help from religion, trying a logical outlook, even online social forums. Nothing, and I get older and my self-hatred more permanent. The worst feeling is, and many of you will agree, is not looking forward to anything. If others of you feel the same, let me know how and what this means for this stage. Thanks