Epiphany

I've almost come to terms with how I've felt all these years. Its almost like I'm ready to die. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, so that's not on the table. I think about it along but the thoughts don't linger. My life is just pointless, to me anyway. I'm 40 and spend each and every day alone, outside of work. I am seeing a therapist and a psychologist and I'm still trying little things to make myself feel more positive.

No single event brought this on. Its just genuine self-hated. And its been this way for 20 years. I think what Im saying now is that it seems I'm at peace with this and I could be gone tomorrow and not be scared.

Trying to stay alcohol free, seeking help from religion, trying a logical outlook, even online social forums. Nothing, and I get older and my self-hatred more permanent. The worst feeling is, and many of you will agree, is not looking forward to anything. If others of you feel the same, let me know how and what this means for this stage. Thanks

I don't really know what to say, but that's nothing new for me.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I feel the same way. Even though I'm only 18, I've been this way for so long, it's like I never learned how to be happy. I wouldn't mind dying.

I know I don't want to die, and if God wanted to take me he can take me whenever he wants not when I want. I think I know what you mean Steve, that you've come to grips with everything right now so you think God will take you. Maybe it is just that you are entering a new phase of your life. You are more at peace with your past? You feel like you don't know what the future holds? You have nothing to look forward to because of your situation? You're right, it is just a new stage in your life, you can decide what you can do for the rest of your life, you've made it this far, so look into something that interests you and try to attain new goal. This could mean volunteering somewhere, get a part time job, attend AA meetings as you mentioned trying to stay acohol free.I hope and pray you will find your "nich".

I cant imagine what it would be like to struggle with it that young. Those years are confusing enough without that weight of depression. I wish you the best.

Steve,

I felt that way for a long time... It did get better though. I think one of the nastiest aspects of depression is that it doesn't allow you to see how things could ever get better... Depression feels like it's going to last your entire life.

One metaphor I found helpful was this: I was feeling very depressed one day. I had to take a flight for work, and the weather mirrored my mood - grey, drizzle, low clouds, dark. I was almost crying on the plane because I felt like I was never going to be better. And then... The plane broke through the clouds and it was suddenly sunny... The tops of the clouds were pure white and the sky was pure blue... And I realized that even when my mood was cloudy, the sun was still there above the clouds... And from then on I remembered that depression changes just like the weather. The rain never lasts forever.

I wrote a book about my experiences, with stories like that one and a bunch of other tips and tricks I learned from nearly a decade of major depression. It's called "Beat Your Brain at its Own Game" and you can borrow it from Amazon free if you have a Prime account. If you don't have a Prime account, let me know and I can send you a copy.

I hope that's helpful... Best of luck!

.Andrew.

I appreciate where you are Steve.

I'm okay with dying too. Even tho I don't want to rush the process. I'm coming to terms with the fact that if I'm trying to follow Jesus, anything that comes into my life is for someone else. God allows things or circumstances into my life so I can be there for someone else that's going thru the same thing.

I'm working in not hating my circumstances - my depression, my anxiety, my memory issues, and the fact that I'm 40 something, and have no handle on how my own mind works...

I have mad ninja skills (as my son would say) when it comes to troubleshooting just about anything mechanical, pneumatic, hydraulic, our electronic. I can fix just about anything, and I feel privileged to have that gift.

But, I have to really push myself most days, and find a reason to keep on keeping on. It's been worse lately. I'm not sure what's up.

Hang in there Steve. We may be messes, but, we have God's promise that he will finish that which he's started in you and me.

woundedhealer7

Sent from my GS3.

Thank you. I wish you the best, too.