I never told her about that one....the plan...cause I am pretty sure even she, the other woman, didn't know about it. I am pretty sure that my fantasy laden escapee hatch of a brain come up with that one all on its own (per se) and I hadn't made it that far. I had begun hinting around at meeting and it was met with caution. She wasn't sure since she was newly divorced and (I suspect) he was either abusive or controlling.
What she did find out about was how deeply emotionally I was given over to her...I just let it all pour out in messages to her and posts on her wall and the like. Since it was a place where I assumed only members could go, I held nothing back.
But the ex was able to get an alias and I didn't "protect" my messages so anyone could read them and she was an anyone...and read the messages and saw the pictures and I broke her heart into tiny little pieces. She (the ex)wanted that kind of emotional connection between us...it just came with so many conditions and expectations. She couldn't just let me be me...it's like she wanted some disney like relationship where her prince charming sould sweep in and be her perfect prince! So I just wasn't thinking clearly and made a huge mistake...but in some crazy way I am glad she read them since she pretty much ignored my other cries for help in our relationship (while I was equally busy on ignoring hers). Just like in 1992 when I spilled the ugly truth to her about that insane tryst I was in, it was a combination of regret, anger, humiliation, and relief.
I think a part of me is relieved that she already has met someone else and they seem to be getting along. She really is deserving of love and a good man. I am a good man..really I am. I hate all the ways I have lived and don't ever want to put anyone else thru that pain again. It will begin with me finding someone who just wants to be the woman with me first, and not being afraid to tell someone its just not going to work and then find someone else.
But first I have to deal with my own truth...it will set me free, but first it will make me miserable.