Well admittedly, this is a cross post from the bpd section, but you guys here have been so good about me venting and whining here even when its a bpd trigger that I feel its only right to share some positive bpd related news with you

So most of you know how love causes me instant destablization, this is related to that issue

Anyway, been wondering for a while why bpd is so ugly with bf. It was never this full on with ex bf who donated sperm to my daughter and whom I dated at tender age 18 till 24 and was convinced I would end up marrying, should he miraculously stop being a drug addicted abusive jerk (which he wasn't in the beginning, I'm not THAT dense) but yeah, I didn't spew venom at him and he deserved it

I mean I had my moments, but they were rare and not as wild as now. But with bf omgeeee I'm batshit crazy wearing "normal lady" costume! Which is a tiring gig might I add...

First I thought its because this is true love, but that makes no logical sense as I was inlove with jerk of an ex too, and disorders can't differentiate between what's true and not and cannot present itself accordingly!!!

So I started thinking about how the relationships differ and it was suddenly obvious

Ex is possessive and clingy therefore I never had reason to fear any abandonment. Hell I knew it was an issue, but it didn't come up in that relationship (obviously not when he routinely threatened to kill me if I ever left) I did however suffer identity disturbance ALOT, which thankfully is now mostly if not completely a non-issue in my current relationship! And him (ex) being my first real bf, I honestly didn't even know how deep my rabbit hole was.... Silly silly naive little Alice.

Current bf I don't see him as often as we'd like (he works and studies and lives an expensive distance away) so that in itself was my first real full on bpd trigger. I felt so unimportant, so insignificant. Bf behavior is so the opposite of clingy and possessive ex, so its quite an emotional and mental adjustment to convince myself that just because he doesn't feel the need to "stalk" me, doesn't diminish his love for me.

The adjustments are slow, tedious and difficult, but finally trusting him emotionally (that he loves me and doesn't want to be without me) is slowly challenging my thought processes, proving them wrong one by one. And while this is a harrowing process for me, it is also a very healthy one as I don't have a T and been therapying myself