Quote:
Originally Posted by ultramar
I don't think it's an either/or, either you depend on the therapist or only on yourself. It will take time, but I'm sure you will eventually be able to find a balance between depending on her and depending on yourself, both at the same time. Depending on her isn't a 'bad' thing, and depending only on yourself I don't think is necessarily a helpful thing. We all need other people, no shame in that. I think it's a matter of balance. You'll get there, baby steps! 
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Thanks Ultramar. I guess you are right, i will find that balance in time.
It has taken me years to learn to rely on, and trust, my T, and now i feel i shouldn't have bothered. I have calmed down and tried to think of it rationally, but i still feel the same.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
(((((Healing))))))
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain! Your emotions after disclosing something very difficult are completely understandable. Your T understands this, evidenced by the fact that she texted you to see if you were okay. It is normal for someone to want to miss a session after a big disclosure. I think that there is plenty of time for you to talk about the boundaries of texting, etc. To me, the biggest issue you are facing is feeling exposed and needing reassurance, and trust me when I say that this is a very common reaction. I feel like maybe you are panicking not wanting your T to see your "needy" side, and that you are not seeing her out of feeling exposed/and not wanting to be seen as being needy. I don't know if I am close at all here, but if so, suppressing these feelings and taking a week off could possibly escalate your fears. If you are doing this for a different reason, please disregard what I am saying. My wish for you is that you would take what you have written here and go in and read it to her, or call her and read your fears over the phone. I am in bits is a vague description, I am petrified of seeing you after the disclosure, I feel exposed and vulnerable. Also, I am terrified of overwhelming you with my emotions, is more specific in telling her what you need. I think that asking her to call you so you can get this off your chest would really be beneficial. From what I see, you need to have your emotions and feelings of vulnerability validated, and you need reassurance to feel safe. Your emotions completely make sense, even your wanting to terminate, because clearly this is terrifying for you. If you call your T and tell her specifics, it will be so relieving and healing for you. I think after you deal with your feelings and accept them, that if you still feel a need to text/call T, then you can deal with that then. To me, the need to contact is a surface behavior, and your other feelings are the root. You address the root of the cause, and the surface behaviors will lessen. Just my opinion, though. Please keep us posted.
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Thanks antimatter, i think you are pretty much on the mark with your comments.
My problem is now a matter of pride. I know i made the wrong choice in cancelling the session and saying i wont contact her for a few weeks, but i would feel embarrassed to call her now, for 2 reasons:
1- She will probably be sick and tired of me, and i dont want to inconvenience her and make her think i am a pain in the rear end (even though i am)
2-she will obviously know that i freaked out about the disclosure.
Out of those 2 reasons, its number one that worried me the most. I dont want her hating me because i am too needy
I dont know what my next step should be