I want to text my T, telling her I want to terminate...but i dont?

Although these feelings are perfectly understandable, I'd imagine it's important to not only explore your feelings and be open about them - but also consider taking ownership of them. It's not about T as much as it is about your expectations.

Thanks Willowleaf. You are right, we can never get what we want from texting, i dont think. Thanks for the hugs, they are really appreciated.

mixedup- i think maybe i am expecting too much of my T

It may be helpful to think of it in terms of what's in your control.

Be curious about your feelings and explore where they stem from. What other times have you felt this way?

One thing I find interesting is that for every person that's in the same situation, their reactions can be totally different. Some would be grateful that their T checked in. Others would be horrified that they were contacted outside of session and hate the idea of their T's being concerned at all. Some would have reacted the same way as you. And yet others may know that without asking for something specific, they would not expect to get anything more back. That's kinda how we know it's "our stuff".

What needs do you have, and how can you get them met? Ultimately, the goal is to get them met outside of T, so who can you reach out to IRL? Are there things that you can say/do that will help you, reassurances that you can provide to yourself.

I know that many times, when I start to spiral, the negative thoughts come roaring in....and it takes a lot of work to be able to tap into my rational mind, so that I can base my feelings on facts rather than what's triggered for me.

It sounds like the between session texting is both helping you and hurting you. It can be, of course, an instantaneous validation of emotion, source of comfort, etc., but in the long run I wonder if it's hurting more than helping.

I suppose ultimately the goal is to be able to carry your therapist with you between sessions, to be able to not only remember but feel in your bones that she still cares about you even when you are not in contact, even when she's not there in front of you. Though even for people who are generally able to do this, there will always be times when we regress and it becomes difficult again. Part of the process, as they say.

Maybe until you get there, you need extra support between sessions, but I think it's important to keep the ultimate goal in mind and for the texting not to be an end unto itself. If you have trouble carrying her with you, and regulating your emotions, then I can see how it could be a source of great elation as well as abysmal depression -thus dysregulating you, one way or the other.

I know you want to continue being able to text, and maybe it's good for you for the time being, but it might be a good idea to talk to her about expectations, its effect on you, and long-term goals.

Thanks mixedup and ultramar.

When i first read your replies, i felt really hurt, like you were telling me that my needs ARE too much...but i am glad that i decided to think over and reread what you had said, as i am actually in agreement.
I am going to wait until my next appointment and then discuss it with her, if that's what i need to do.

I actually re read her text messages too, and i think she said what any therapist would say in that situation. I don't know why i got so angry with her...i think its because, in my head,she 'made' me face stuff that i have kept hidden for so many years (about 20 years) and i don't know what to do with that.

Maybe you're less angry at her for 'making' you share that with you, than for leaving you to deal with the intense feelings afterwards?

I think you already know this, because you put it in quotes, but she can't 'make' you do anything -and maybe you talking to her about this actually indicates a healthy level of trust you have built with her.

Maybe keep in mind that there's no 'bad guy' here, as much as it may seem so. You are not too much for her and she is not abandoning you by not being continually available for you. There's no one to blame, either yourself or her.

That's a good insight. My version of this is that I'm mad at my T because he "knows stuff about me". Yeah, I intellectually get that I actually told him everything he knows, or allowed him to observe it. I get that it's wrong to blame someone for this, and I even get that it's been good for me to have a witness to my history and that he's so good at allowing me to do this that I've said more about it than in previous therapies, and that has been so very healing to me.

But Murphy's Law of Therapy would suggest that your T will be unavailable just when you need it most. My T and I talked about how tough it was for me to reach out for help, and then I had something difficult coming up and we talked about how I could call him if I wanted or needed to. It was something time sensitive, and he told me that he'd be available within a few minutes during a particular time frame, and I did call within it and left a message with his receptionist. I never got a call back because he didn't get the message.

But phones do drop texts and voice mails and emails on a regular basis and the other thing is that T's cannot constantly be plugged in, they would burn out so fast. So while 5 hours sounds like a long time, it's really a pretty fast response if you put your phone down or have a busy day.

I wonder if it would help you to have a discussion about what you can reasonably expect via text, and what's okay to text or not, and when you might get a response. This might help you understand that there is a line between too "needy" (although I personally don't think that people's needs are a problem) and appropriately "needy." I doubt you've crossed that line yet, but information is power, and knowing how your T uses her texting and emailing and what not might help you understand that it's probably not about you, it's about her.

And one thing you've learned from the 5 hour thing is that you can actually tolerate the uncomfortable feelings, and you might actually be empowered to be able to tolerate them for longer next time because of this experience. Silver lining and all that.

I just want to agree with mixedup-emotions. Just voicing how you are feeling can really help. Your T can help you get to the bottom of it.

I've said that I feel like quitting, when it's been really hard. I've also said that I feel needy and apologize. All it ever leads to is more discussion and a deeper understanding....which I think is the point of therapy.

Maybe you could open things up by saying "I don't want to terminate, but I have this really strong desire to tell you that I do.....I don't understand it?"

I told mine that I spent a large portion of the week fantasizing about quitting in the most mean obnoxious ways I could come up with. He was more than happy to discuss that reaction.

To be totally honest, I kind of did exactly this yesterday. I didn't say I wanted to quit. I said I felt like I didn't want to come back. I think the reason my T never just says: "Fine, that's up to you," is because I never actually say I'm quitting. I say I feel like I want to, or I feel like I don't want to come back.

So I was on this thread talking about the dangers of fishing for the response you want while doing exactly that. I'm not proud! I think one of the key things here is learning to tolerate feelings of neediness which perhaps were met with indifference or negative responses when we were kids. I don't know about anyone else, but those early attachment/relational patterns mean I expect to be rejected, invalidated, or told off for complaining. I have a belief system that says my T will get angry with me if I open up and talk, and that he thinks I'm worthless and doesn't care.

The thing is, believing you're worthless is a defence mechanism that develops in childhood so you can survive living with parents who don't care for you as well as they should. It enables you to survive, but it's very damaging. My T is trying to get me to let go of these beliefs and I am resisting because if I stop believing I'm worthless I have to start really seeing that other people have treated me badly.

My T did text me and ask if I wanted to come back and talk to him. I said I was confused, angry and scared, and I didn't want to, but I probably should. I'm going to see him on Friday and (because I still can't let go of the belief that he doesn't or shouldn't care) I'm really nervous.

*sigh* i have woken up back in 'i want to quit' mode.

I have decided NOT to quit, but to give myself a week off from therapy, as i think it would be good for me to be able to learn to rely on myself instead of T.

Anne- i think you are right, i need to have a conversation with my T about what is/is not appropriate in regards to texting. At least i will know what that line is.

wotcermuggle- i think thats going to be my opening sentence in my next session with my T, as it just says exactly what i am feeling. Thank You. This emotional stuff is so hard to deal with.

pbutton-I think the openness and honesty is the best way forward.

Oh tiny, you have just described me/my childhood to a tee. This is what my T is always saying to me. I can SEE it, i can see it makes sense, but i just cant apply it to myself...that probably sounds so stupid.

I am going to give myself next week off. I will do the decent thing, and call her instead of text her (no crossed wires then), and tell her that its just because i need to give myself time, but that i WILL be back.

I just desperately wish that i could close the lid on all of this emotional stuff, and forget it all.

HealingTimes, I think this isn't the time to take a week off. If you're still feeling like this, I honestly think you're just going to get more upset if you take a week off - I know I would anyway. I would suggest going for just one session to discuss this stuff in person with your T before deciding what to do.

It doesn't sound stupid! Applying it to ourselves means facing the fact it happened and that's hard.

I was struck by the fact that you said you want to take a week off so you learn to rely on yourself and not your T. If you were at a different point in your therapy I might say different but I'm not at all convinced you should take a week off. Is this really what you want - or what you think you should want?

Does taking a week off mean the stuff goes away, or will it leave you alone with the stuff? I am just asking these questions to ensure you think about what you want, everyone is different but I know if I took a week off in this situation I would simply be sabotaging myself.

I am not really sure of the answers to your questions, tiny.

Is this really what i want? I don't know. I don't think so. What i really want is to never have to talk of this again (and by 'this' i mean the subject we spoke about last session), but that's not an option, unfortunately.
I know that taking a week off will mean that i am alone with the stuff, but i also feel like i might need that time to get my head around things...i don't know, i am confused

I find that the times I want to quit or cancel T are the times when I need to be in T. It's excruciating to work up the courage to speak up and say exactly what I've been going through...but ultimately, T is there to help me work through it and I generally leave feeling so much better that I went, instead of holding onto those feelings for another week. Also, while it's fresh (and painful), is the best time to access the stuff that's needed to work through it.

Thanks mixedup.

I have left an answer phone message on her machine to say i wont be attending next weeks session. I feel OK about that, as i truly do think that i need some time to get my head around things.
I know my T wont call me and ask for me to come, i know she will leave it up to me, and that's OK (so why am i waiting for the phone to ring???).

I think i am going to journal about the whole thing, and then take it with me when i go again. I think that's useful.

I desperately wish that i could un-say the things that i disclosed in our last session, then i wouldn't feel the need to undo all of the hard work that i have put in

Can you tell her that you're not ready to get further into these issues and need to come back to them in a few weeks?

Hi Tiny

In my heart of hearts, i know i have to talk about it. I believe its all interconnected with my depression and ED, and that in order to recover i need to discuss it.
I am just going to see what my writing comes up with. Quite often when i journal about stuff, it becomes clearer to me.

I am so so stupid

HealingTimes, you are not stupid. Far from it.

Thanks Tiny.
This therapy stuff us so hard.

It is, but it's worth it.

I don't think it's an either/or, either you depend on the therapist or only on yourself. It will take time, but I'm sure you will eventually be able to find a balance between depending on her and depending on yourself, both at the same time. Depending on her isn't a 'bad' thing, and depending only on yourself I don't think is necessarily a helpful thing. We all need other people, no shame in that. I think it's a matter of balance. You'll get there, baby steps!

(((((Healing))))))
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain! Your emotions after disclosing something very difficult are completely understandable. Your T understands this, evidenced by the fact that she texted you to see if you were okay. It is normal for someone to want to miss a session after a big disclosure. I think that there is plenty of time for you to talk about the boundaries of texting, etc. To me, the biggest issue you are facing is feeling exposed and needing reassurance, and trust me when I say that this is a very common reaction. I feel like maybe you are panicking not wanting your T to see your "needy" side, and that you are not seeing her out of feeling exposed/and not wanting to be seen as being needy. I don't know if I am close at all here, but if so, suppressing these feelings and taking a week off could possibly escalate your fears. If you are doing this for a different reason, please disregard what I am saying. My wish for you is that you would take what you have written here and go in and read it to her, or call her and read your fears over the phone. I am in bits is a vague description, I am petrified of seeing you after the disclosure, I feel exposed and vulnerable. Also, I am terrified of overwhelming you with my emotions, is more specific in telling her what you need. I think that asking her to call you so you can get this off your chest would really be beneficial. From what I see, you need to have your emotions and feelings of vulnerability validated, and you need reassurance to feel safe. Your emotions completely make sense, even your wanting to terminate, because clearly this is terrifying for you. If you call your T and tell her specifics, it will be so relieving and healing for you. I think after you deal with your feelings and accept them, that if you still feel a need to text/call T, then you can deal with that then. To me, the need to contact is a surface behavior, and your other feelings are the root. You address the root of the cause, and the surface behaviors will lessen. Just my opinion, though. Please keep us posted.

Thanks Ultramar. I guess you are right, i will find that balance in time.
It has taken me years to learn to rely on, and trust, my T, and now i feel i shouldn't have bothered. I have calmed down and tried to think of it rationally, but i still feel the same.

Thanks antimatter, i think you are pretty much on the mark with your comments.
My problem is now a matter of pride. I know i made the wrong choice in cancelling the session and saying i wont contact her for a few weeks, but i would feel embarrassed to call her now, for 2 reasons:

1- She will probably be sick and tired of me, and i dont want to inconvenience her and make her think i am a pain in the rear end (even though i am)

2-she will obviously know that i freaked out about the disclosure.

Out of those 2 reasons, its number one that worried me the most. I dont want her hating me because i am too needy

I dont know what my next step should be