Hey there, so new at this but don't know what else to do. I don't even know where to begin. But I feel as if I am going to lose it if I don't try. I have always held in my emotions. Always. I have just suck it up and moved on. I got yelled at a kid to stop crying and friends would make fun of me if I did, so I don't cry. And lately, I have been so incredibly bogged down that I can cry easily, which is not me. I don't even cry at tv shows or movies. And lately, I have been. I don't truly cry for friends that have died, I had a friend who died suddenly, I shed a few tears and that was it. I just, today had a not so close friend die of cancer at 28 and I want to bawl my eyes out. I haven't and I won't.
I sought help once but couldn't keep up the therapy due to finances. But one thing is for sure. I am emotionally flat. Words she used. Basically I can feel is sadness and anger. Rare occasions I can feel happiness and others. But mainly is just those two. Nothing clicks. I tell my parents I love them but I have no idea how it feels. That's me.
And I don't have very many friends. I have some close friends but I keep them at distance, I don't let anyone know how much I struggle on a daily basis. I wear my mask damn well. I guess I just need this to get some things out. And I will probably make this too long for anyone to want to read and give opinion or advice.
Anyway, I have tried antidepressants but I feel that I have built such a mental block that pills are even going to help. I didn't feel any better, I even started exercising but still felt dragged down.
I feel so much disappointment its hard to manage. I can't confront or go somewhere without feeling anxious. Once I know someone I don't mind be blunt and confrontational but strangers, the anxiety is annoying cause I can't get things done.
Well I am going to close my mind now, I have said to much, I feel like a cry baby now since there are others so much worse off than I . And I know once I feel like this I have to stop. So if you made it this far into reading my sob story, thank you. I have a lot to get off my chest but I am maxed out at the moment.
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