Don't know where to start.

Hey there, so new at this but don't know what else to do. I don't even know where to begin. But I feel as if I am going to lose it if I don't try. I have always held in my emotions. Always. I have just suck it up and moved on. I got yelled at a kid to stop crying and friends would make fun of me if I did, so I don't cry. And lately, I have been so incredibly bogged down that I can cry easily, which is not me. I don't even cry at tv shows or movies. And lately, I have been. I don't truly cry for friends that have died, I had a friend who died suddenly, I shed a few tears and that was it. I just, today had a not so close friend die of cancer at 28 and I want to bawl my eyes out. I haven't and I won't.
I sought help once but couldn't keep up the therapy due to finances. But one thing is for sure. I am emotionally flat. Words she used. Basically I can feel is sadness and anger. Rare occasions I can feel happiness and others. But mainly is just those two. Nothing clicks. I tell my parents I love them but I have no idea how it feels. That's me.
And I don't have very many friends. I have some close friends but I keep them at distance, I don't let anyone know how much I struggle on a daily basis. I wear my mask damn well. I guess I just need this to get some things out. And I will probably make this too long for anyone to want to read and give opinion or advice.
Anyway, I have tried antidepressants but I feel that I have built such a mental block that pills are even going to help. I didn't feel any better, I even started exercising but still felt dragged down.
I feel so much disappointment its hard to manage. I can't confront or go somewhere without feeling anxious. Once I know someone I don't mind be blunt and confrontational but strangers, the anxiety is annoying cause I can't get things done.
Well I am going to close my mind now, I have said to much, I feel like a cry baby now since there are others so much worse off than I . And I know once I feel like this I have to stop. So if you made it this far into reading my sob story, thank you. I have a lot to get off my chest but I am maxed out at the moment.
I

Hello Miller ~ I actually know how you feel. I was depressed for so long, that I couldn't feel anything either. Absolutely nothing.

When I finally started treatment, it was hard to get any emotions back, as they'd been stuffed for so long. I was in therapy for quite a long time and I don't think I ever got my emotions back completely.

Can you return to therapy now? If you can, I'd advise you to try it again. Your medical doctor can advise you who the best therapist is. Ask him about it.

Also as far as an antidepressant, you might just be hard to treat. That's me too. I usually need higher dosages than usual. You might need that too. It's worth a try -- talk to your doctor about it. You have to be your own advocate. No one else will do it for you. For instance if 20mg of Prozac doesn't work, have him increase it to 40mg. That would probably work! If not, have him increase it even more! It's all in the dosage! Believe me, an antidepressant DOES make you feel better!!! I've been on them for 40yrs now, because I've been depressed since I was a very small child and I'll be on them til I die.

Don't ever give up -- like I said, you have to be your own advocate. God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Hello & Welcome, Miller3136.
Something's changing. Why now? Are you reaching the end of your resilience? (No need to reply to these questions.)

Please continue to post whenever you want and feel you can handle it.

Miller- Your story sounds a lot like mine. I almost feel that I could have written it. And I cried when I read it. I've been finding some comfort in venting and I just found this forum, which I think is amazing! I read the posts, make a comment, get some of my stuff out there and cry. I feel better after! I'm only just discovering my depression and have never before had anyone to talk to that understood what I was going through. Those people are here. Keep posting and I think it's ok to cry while you do it.

Thank you for your advice. Once I find a job that actually pays well I could probably afford to go back. I didn't even think about having the dosage increased. It didn't work and I just said screw it. As far as emotions, thank you because I have felt so alone. No one around me is like this so they don't understand. And you are definitely right about being my own advocate. Sometimes I get anxious about that kind of stuff but best thing to do would be to suck it up and speak up. Thank you so much for sharing.

I agree it is comforting to vent. Holding so much in is really damaging. I thought I was tough, that I could handle it and never break. I discovered my depression when I was going through an abusive relationship. I had been this way since I can remember but it worsened then. I understand its okay to cry just really hard to get to that point for me. And thank you for being so open and sharing. Appreciate it a lot.

Hi Miller. This is my first post. I just joined today. I also feel so tired and so empty inside. I place tons of guilt upon myself because I don't feel like i'm "supposed" to feel. I feel like I am not capable of loving anyone. I hardly cry anymore. I wish I could feel happiness or even interest in anything. Wearing that mask each day is exhausting. I'm going to ask my doctor for a medicine change, but not until mid June because that's his next available appointment I too keep people at a distance, even my best friend. I will never let anyone know what is truly in my mind because I am afraid of their judgement. I am hoping this forum will be a safe place to talk with others. I am glad you posted, I feel so many of the same things you do. I hate it when people say "hang in there" but i'm going to say it: hang in there! One day at a time.