Long story short (I've posted about this before in a different forum so sorry if this is redundant) I am about a month out a very unhealthy sometimes abusive relationship. We both came from abusive childhoods and our baggage conflicted terribly. I took responsibility for the verbal and physical (I've hit him before and broken our things) abuse that I've done over the years. I got therapy, cut back on drinking, changed my medications, talked with him about my behavior openly and I changed. Things were okay for a while but he never got help and he started being abusive again.

I was taking Ambien at the time and it made me black out and say and do things that I didn't remember. We still hadn't talked about all the abusive incidents in the past and a lot of stuff was still bothering me and it came out in the worst way possible: during an Ambien blackout. I only remember bits and pieces but I called him a rapist (he told me in the past that he wasn't sure if I wanted to have sex with him the first time but did it anyway and he'd always wondered if he'd raped me, plus there was another incident where I repeatedly said no but he kept going). I later apologized and told him about why I called him that and he swears he doesn't remember that incident but he must have thought it was a play “sexy no” not a real no. (We used to have a lot of rough sex and we didn't have a safe word so this is feasible but I feel like he knew me well enough to know if I was enjoying it). I also told him that his stepfather had sexually assaulted me over Christmas and he felt that me not telling him for months was a violation of trust. The abuse in our relationship first started after I told him I was raped before he met me so it was pretty hard for me to tell him that his own stepfather did something like that.


Anyway there were a couple physical incidents in the last two months one in which he left bruises on my arm (he called me a liar when I told him later). We had a huge fight wherein he was verbally abusive, threw my things, backed me up into a corner and threatened to hit me, punched a hole in the wall and the cops got called. He broke up with me after that, then wanted me back and I came back because I'm still in love with him. He broke up with me again the next day and I was devastated. He called two days later and wanted me back and I said no because I can't trust him anymore.

He's supposed to call me in two weeks to see where we stand. I decided not to take him back which is really hard for me but everyone is telling me that if I do we'll just fall back into those old abusive patterns. He said in the past he'd seek therapy but it never happened and I doubt he will. He tries to minimize what he's done to me or even calls me crazy or a liar. He doesn't understand why I did what I did (calling him a rapist while on Ambien and not telling him about his stepfather) and from what I've seen he hasn't even tried. He has no empathy for me and doesn't take responsibility for himself. I doubt in a month any of this will change and even if it did it's not worth the risk.


This is the hardest thing in my life that I've ever had to do and I've been through a lot of hard things. For some reason I'm still in love with him and I can't imagine ever meeting someone who I could connect with like we used to. I can't imagine being happy without him, although now I can't imagine being happy with him either. I'm terribly lonely and I miss him all the time. He was my first love, my first fiance, the first person I could enjoy sex with (I was sexually abused as a kid and raped as an adult so sex is hard for me). I gave him everything and I feel lost without him.
I don't know many people in my area and I'm very shy and socially anxious so it's hard for me to get out and meet people. I really don't have any friends besides my roommate. I hang out with her and her friends but they're in a completely different stage of life than me so it's hard to connect. I don't get along with my family so I can't go to them for support. I do have my therapist and a DBT group but that's about it. I want to move on and I want to meet new people but it's so hard for me to trust them, especially men. It's really hard for me to pretend everything is okay and act normal around people right now. I feel like I can't even let people touch me after this ordeal and I can't imagine dating.

How do I heal from this? How do I move on with my life? How do I stop being in love with him?