How Do I Heal After an Abusive Relationship When I'm Still in Love with Him?

Long story short (I've posted about this before in a different forum so sorry if this is redundant) I am about a month out a very unhealthy sometimes abusive relationship. We both came from abusive childhoods and our baggage conflicted terribly. I took responsibility for the verbal and physical (I've hit him before and broken our things) abuse that I've done over the years. I got therapy, cut back on drinking, changed my medications, talked with him about my behavior openly and I changed. Things were okay for a while but he never got help and he started being abusive again.

I was taking Ambien at the time and it made me black out and say and do things that I didn't remember. We still hadn't talked about all the abusive incidents in the past and a lot of stuff was still bothering me and it came out in the worst way possible: during an Ambien blackout. I only remember bits and pieces but I called him a rapist (he told me in the past that he wasn't sure if I wanted to have sex with him the first time but did it anyway and he'd always wondered if he'd raped me, plus there was another incident where I repeatedly said no but he kept going). I later apologized and told him about why I called him that and he swears he doesn't remember that incident but he must have thought it was a play “sexy no” not a real no. (We used to have a lot of rough sex and we didn't have a safe word so this is feasible but I feel like he knew me well enough to know if I was enjoying it). I also told him that his stepfather had sexually assaulted me over Christmas and he felt that me not telling him for months was a violation of trust. The abuse in our relationship first started after I told him I was raped before he met me so it was pretty hard for me to tell him that his own stepfather did something like that.


Anyway there were a couple physical incidents in the last two months one in which he left bruises on my arm (he called me a liar when I told him later). We had a huge fight wherein he was verbally abusive, threw my things, backed me up into a corner and threatened to hit me, punched a hole in the wall and the cops got called. He broke up with me after that, then wanted me back and I came back because I'm still in love with him. He broke up with me again the next day and I was devastated. He called two days later and wanted me back and I said no because I can't trust him anymore.

He's supposed to call me in two weeks to see where we stand. I decided not to take him back which is really hard for me but everyone is telling me that if I do we'll just fall back into those old abusive patterns. He said in the past he'd seek therapy but it never happened and I doubt he will. He tries to minimize what he's done to me or even calls me crazy or a liar. He doesn't understand why I did what I did (calling him a rapist while on Ambien and not telling him about his stepfather) and from what I've seen he hasn't even tried. He has no empathy for me and doesn't take responsibility for himself. I doubt in a month any of this will change and even if it did it's not worth the risk.


This is the hardest thing in my life that I've ever had to do and I've been through a lot of hard things. For some reason I'm still in love with him and I can't imagine ever meeting someone who I could connect with like we used to. I can't imagine being happy without him, although now I can't imagine being happy with him either. I'm terribly lonely and I miss him all the time. He was my first love, my first fiance, the first person I could enjoy sex with (I was sexually abused as a kid and raped as an adult so sex is hard for me). I gave him everything and I feel lost without him.
I don't know many people in my area and I'm very shy and socially anxious so it's hard for me to get out and meet people. I really don't have any friends besides my roommate. I hang out with her and her friends but they're in a completely different stage of life than me so it's hard to connect. I don't get along with my family so I can't go to them for support. I do have my therapist and a DBT group but that's about it. I want to move on and I want to meet new people but it's so hard for me to trust them, especially men. It's really hard for me to pretend everything is okay and act normal around people right now. I feel like I can't even let people touch me after this ordeal and I can't imagine dating.

How do I heal from this? How do I move on with my life? How do I stop being in love with him?

That is definitely a very difficult situation to be in but if it helps, I agree it might be best for you to be apart right now. It sounds like there are a lot of unresolved concerns in his past as well and often we need to work through our own things before getting into a serious relationship.

All I can suggest is give it time. In time the pain lessens and you may be ready to try again, but do it in your own time. I would suggest staying connected with your therapist and DBT group as much as you can and maybe discuss it in therapy if you are comfortable doing so. Your T might be able to help you with strategies for managing and, in time, ways to start connecting with others again.

Also, try not to 'bury' the feelings if you can - it is ok to grieve the loss of the relationship and everything that came with it - all of those firsts. It is really hard to lose, but in time it does become easier again.

Maybe, staying not under the same roof, is a good idea, until you get the therapy necessary to move past the assault.

Worrying about safe words, well, it's fine time to create some. And communicating with a partner that it's an Ambien night, isn't a bad idea, either. It's supposed to help one fall asleep, not necessarily stay asleep unless extended release. And honestly, he needed to respect that you are taking a sleeping pill.

Perhaps, mention to your pdoc, that the ambien isn't helping you stay asleep and you are having the side effect of talking and being awake while on it, isn't far fetched, it's not made for everyone. ((there's a reason why it's called the date rape drug, and people out there voice concern when they hear that someone is using it.))

You need to feel safe when you sleep.

How to get over this? Not sure. A good amount of time in therapy, and then ask yourself, if moving on, is what you want. Time apart, because he doesn't respect you when you are in a vulnerable position.

And if you are going to entertain the rougher side of life, time to sort through those boundaries....i.e., safewords!!!! (or even if not a word, a specific physical gesture. need to be able to trust the partner you are travelling that lifestyle with)

How long have you been together with him?

We were together for almost four years, engaged for two. We're broken up now and we live separately with zero contact. I told him to contact me in a month if he wanted to for closure to try again but that would be two weeks from now and I still don't know what to do or how in the hell we'd be able to work through this. And I have no idea what he's doing or thinking right now either. For all I know he won't call. I did talk to my psychiatrist about the Ambien and I am on a different sleeping pill that so far hasn't had any ill effects on me. I just go to sleep like a normal person. I don't know if I'm going to answer the phone if he calls. I still love him but I can't be around him if he can't even show empathy for me and I certainly can't be with him if he won't get his problems with his own past and the thing with his stepfather. I don't know if we would ever have a chance again because there's so much baggage between us now and the time apart could be good and healthy or it could add more problems. I don't know. It's just so hard for me to let him go because I love him so much.

I think you need to move the deadline. 2 weeks is not enough to get used to a new sleeping medication.

I've been on the new medication for over a month now actually and it seems to be working so far. It feels completely different from Ambien and I haven't been sleep walking or having blackouts while still doing stuff. We'll see if it works out though. I didn't start getting side effects with Ambien till I was on it for a good month or so.

Bodiesneverfound, you may never stop loving him. It's good to read that you recognize you can't be together right now. How about attending a support group for women in abusive relationships? You will probably hear many women say they still love their abuser. Still loving them is why we keep going back. It's also great to hear that you are in therapy to deal with your own past.

I really want to go to one. There's one in my area but it's at the same time as my DBT group. I guess I'll just have to figure out which one is most helpful right now! There's an organization here called Project Safe that might have some other resources too. I don't know I still love him and all but I'm feeling a bit better about it because I just went out last night and got a cute guy's number! Haha... makes me feel like maybe he's not the only fish in the sea.

That is a very positive development.