Interesting! I never thought of it as a sensitivity to rejection (could this mean I have some Borderline-like qualities - (fear of abandonment)?). I always thought it as a fear of disapproval (although... after our discussion here I can see having someone disapprove of me as being a rejection of me as a person - who would love me?).

As for the stepfather situation. I'm not sure - he has pointed out things that I've done that are like my mother. I don't think he dislikes my mother - or my father. When I was in high school and struggling with severe depression and anxiety (my therapist put in the notes that I would read years later that I have an anxiety toward stepfather's approval/disapproval), I had an "Aha!" moment when I was telling my therapist about an incident with my stepfather that I had the week before. It was when I finally tried to stand up to him (he yelled at me for something totally beyond my control - and a few days before I spent very early morning all the way past midnight cleaning just my room [literally getting a cloth and wiping into the corners of base boards, cracks in the wood on the floor, etc] only to have him not acknowledge anything and to yell and scream at me for having dust under the bed) and I started to put my voice out there - and eventually had an emotional breakdown and said that I've grown to like him and that I love him (while hysterically crying) and went over to hug him and put my arms around him - he never hugged me back. In fact, he didn't even move his hands from his hips - he never acknowledged it. When my mother came downstairs he just said, "I think he's having a breakdown or something." When I was crying and telling my therapist about this - I was really in the moment and being open and she was asking me questions/saying things (that I don't remember).... when all of a sudden I said, "You know what... I don't care anymore!" And she asked me why's that - and I told her, "I don't need his approval. I can only do what I can do, and nothing more. As long as I'm happy with what I do, that's all that matters!" Instantly, a huge smile broke out and I stopped crying - I even chuckled as my therapist smiled back at me. I felt an entire feeling throughout my body - I can still remember it when I think back about it (I feel it now). A LOT of my depression and anxiety (though not all) was lifted. The therapy ended a few sessions later with school ending.


Edit - looking back at the situation where I started to put my voice out there toward stepfather. I can't help but wonder if I experienced a "reaction formation" at that moment. I went from feeling so much hate and anger toward him (which I thought was bad since I had a very strict Christian upbringing and believed anger to be sinful and felt guilty over it), and then in instant I went from "I love you" and hugging him (perhaps putting my voice out there in anger toward him was a move in a positive direction, but was so new that I felt bad about it and created a reaction formation of loving feelings toward him so that I could continue with the "I'm okay; you're the one with the problem"?). Food for thought.