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  #1  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 01:38 AM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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I worked at a restaurant/bar from the end of January until the end of May this year (almost four years). During my time there, I never had a problem with any of my coworkers. I was even told that when the owners had a meeting with the general managers and restaurant managers, that nothing but good was said about my work there. One of the managers even said that I was one of the best employees that they had for that position - and he didn't want me to leave (even joked around that they weren't going to accept my two weeks notice, that I'm not allowed to leave, etc).

Since that time, I've gone in to eat there almost every other day (if not every other day). During this last month, I've spent well over $200 there in dining out.

Yesterday, I knew that my checking account was low (however, I got paid on Friday today from new job). I checked my account balance online, and it said that I had $12.29 as my ledger balance as well as my available balance. The food item that I wanted was $9.75, I planned on leaving a $2.00 (20% tip), which would leave me with a balance of $0.54. However, my card got declined. I told them that I had almost $13.00 available and that I checked the account online before coming here, and so I told them that I would run tot he ATM on the next block and take the money out myself. However, when I got to the ATM and printed a balance inquiry, it said that I only had $4.50 available.

I went back into the restaurant and told the server that, and that I didn't know what was wrong. Her face turned red and she didn't know what to do; she just sort of stood there. Another server overheard, and he came over and said, "Awe; you came here to eat and you got no money! What are you going to do?" I then told him about checking online before I came in, and he said that if I told him that $3.50 was available, that he would have believed me since that would be the almost $13.00 - the food item and that it would have been a problem with their register. He told me to hold on that he'll go get the manager on duty.

The manager on duty came over and asked me what's going on. I explained the situation to her; she ended up paying for the cost of my meal. She told me that I owe her the money before I can come back in here and eat and drink. She said that if I ever do this again - that I can't eat here from then on. She told me that I owe the female server a big tip, that I have to give her a minimum of $5.

I felt embarassed, angry, and hurt over the entire situation. The male server basically called me a liar when he said he would have believed me, and he made it seem like I intentionally came in to eat with no money. Then the manager on duty made it seem like I may plan on doing it again when she "If you ever do this again..." and like I chose to do it on purpose this time - and I was angry that she told me I had to leave a tip and how much (I always tip 20%-25% even for bad service; but I don't believe a waiter or restaurant should ever comment on tips or require them).

I'm wondering if they knew me, if they felt comfortable saying those things. Would they have said those things if I were not a frequent and used to work there? Did they say those things because they truly believed that I came in intentionally without money? How come they would not give me the benefit of the doubt - I've known them (worked everyday for four months and have been coming in more now that I'm not working there). Would they say them to another frequent? Does it show that they do not respect me?

I felt embarrassed during every part of this ordeal; and even two other patrons witnessed (they looked over as their faces turned a bright red - were they embarrassed for me? were they pitying me? did they think that I was a bad person who did come in with no intentions of paying?). I left with my heart racing, heavy breathing with shortness of breath, and it was all that I could think about - I kept replaying the situation in my head. I had to journal and write down everything that was said.

I even went back online and printed my bank statement, which showed that I had $12.29 available.

I went in today with my money, a $20 bill actually. I explained to the manager on duty that I was not happy with what was said yesterday - that I felt really embarrassed when the server said things like -you have no money- -I would have believed you...- and she asked me, Oh... why do you listen to him? He has no money either..." I even showed my printed bank statement to her and told her that I didn't intentionally come in and eat knowing I didn't have money to pay - that it was an honest mistake. She said that she didn't want to see that (even though she took her time looking at it) and that she only wanted her money. I gave her the $20, and she said things like -I don't want to take all your money- -where did you get this? do I need to see if it's counterfeit?- I just looked at her and shook my head. I told her that I won't be coming back anymore - that this will be my last time there. I told her it's a shame since I've become a regular there - and she said that's why she thinks it's ridiculous (was she saying ridiculous for me to not come back? or ridiculous that I come there everyday?). When I told her that I didn't like that she said "If you ever do this again..." she told me that I misheard her - and that she said I can't eat there until I pay that... and I told her that's not how I remember it - and she told me that I'm remembering wrong and that's not what she said... we kept going back and forth (with me repeating that's not what I remember) until eventually I told her that she's entitled to her own opinion and that it doesn't change my memory of what she said. I then told her goodbye and left. She didn't say any of this in a mean manner - she said it rather lightly like she was kidding or trying to get me laugh (like with the counterfeit comment). the whole time her face was red.

I had to go back in and get my keys - and I believe another server may have been discussing me with some patrons at the bar as she became quiet and stared at me when she saw me.

I'm thinking about taking this issue to the general managers tomorrow.

What do you guys think of this situation? How would you have handled it? Would you go back and eat?

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  #2  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 12:44 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
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It sounds like you still have a lot of you invested in that restaurant and those people. I don't know why you quit/"moved on" and yet still go in there so often. If I had a bank account that registers only $12.29, I would not be spending $200/month eating out (especially in only one place).

I don't see what issue you think the GM can solve; you had a bill you could not pay, for whatever reason. The "how much" issue is a your bank and you issue and you imposed it on the restaurant, where it does not belongs and want to worry about who said unkind things to you (who cares, you don't work there anymore!) when you were having financial difficulties and causing a problem for others.

If you don't like what people say to you, how you are treated, do not associate with those people! Get your money management in order so you do not have to be embarrassed again (keep a spare $20 in your wallet?) and leave those people to themselves and their attitudes. If they treat other customers like that they will lose customers. Nothing said to you was "wrong", just perhaps unpleasant/unkind/not something you think you would have said if you had been in that person's shoes. Technically they could have had you arrested?
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Thanks for this!
Pepsiholic2013
  #3  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 02:55 PM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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Hi Perna! Thank you so much for your reply! I was beginning to think that no one was going to reply and that perhaps I made a post that was too long and too detailed.

You are right that I do have a lot invested in that restaurant (personally and financially). I moved on because I was offered a full-time position in a financial firm making a lot more money. I used my first paycheck to pay off credit cards, car insurance, and some bills (parking and medical) from when I was unemployed from October 2012 - January 2013 (when I started job in restaurant). Hence, why I only had $12.29 available in checking account on Thursday, but decided it was ok to go out and spend the remaining amount (however, my direct deposit for second paycheck of new job came through yesterday, which was Friday). I do believe that in hindsight it was best to not pay off so much at once and to keep some money saved for an instance such as this - which is what I'm doing this paycheck. After this paycheck, I will actually be able to save almost a few hundred a month (I've already worked out a budget with a financial adviser).

As for spending $200 a month eating out in one place; I only eat one meal per day and then eat snacks (that I bought at grocery store - like a can of storebrand Spaghettio's for $0.79) for the remainder of day. I usually get the specials, so the meal price is no more than $6 and $5.

As for who's issue it is - it is indeed my issue. However, I checked my bank account balance online at 12:00 PM and then left to eat. The card got declined at 12:30ish, and I went to the ATM and got the printout of having only $4.50 available. I had not spent any money between then - and when I got back to work and checked online again it showed the $12.29 available balance. All of my recent transactions were accounted for. On Friday, you see that I got my direct deposit added onto the $12.29. There were no transactions between then; the next transaction was an ATM withdrawal to get the money that I owed the restaurant. I talked to the bank, and they do not know what went on. They said I wasn't showing any pending transactions - although they are wondering if a hold was placed on account from a recent transaction (even though it showed the exact amount of purchase being debited).

I also eat at this restaurant so much because it's diagonal from my house by two blocks (I live in the city). I've got to know the other frequent customers that go there everyday; we frequently eat with each other.

As for causing problems for others; that wasn't my intention. I was upset by what manager said, and when I went to go back and tell her that the whole thing was embarrassing (they know where I live, I go there everyday, they have my personal information and drivers license copy since I used to work there) - she made things worse for me by trying to make me laugh by asking if she needed to check to see if the bill was counterfeit!

I don't think the GM can really do anything other than apologize and make me feel heard - and I don't want to add fuel to the fire by GM talking to them about it.

Thank you for giving me an outside view of things Perna!
Thanks for this!
Perna
  #4  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 03:27 PM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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I'm actually a psychology student and have done a lot of my own reading (it's a serious interest of mine; currently reading books by James Masterson, Heinz Kohut, etc).

I have been thinking about this a lot more; as well as my post here online. I've come to believe that I posted this online because I wanted outside confirmation that I was "right" (or "good") and the others were "wrong" (or "bad") - I was questioning myself and wanted the approval of others (this forum).

I initially felt angry when I read Perna's response - it wasn't what I originally wanted to hear; but then I began to think about it and see the truth in what Perna said. I actually feel calmn now.

I normally don't stick to something when I'm faced with conflict - and the fact that I shared my feelings with the manager was a big step for me (was it right? was it wrong? who knows - I'm going to see it as a step) since I normally would not have done that. The fact that I stuck with what I said was also something that I normally would not have done - I normally would have agreed with her and changed my stance to hers.

After pondering the situation further, what sticks out the most to me are the red faces (the light red face of the manager, of the two servers, and the really red faces of the two patrons that witnessed the ordeal). I'm reminded of an incident when I first went to live with my mother and stepfather - I was walking up the steps one morning and moved over to let stepfather go past me. He said something nasty to me, and I went to tell him that I was letting him go past me and he cut me off (with a dark red face) and shook his head back and forth and moved his arms from side to side and said, "No! No! I'm not in the mood for it this morning..."

The "red faces" and feeling like a deer stuck in headlights really bother me.
Thanks for this!
Perna
  #5  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 03:42 PM
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unaluna unaluna is online now
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Then this IS interesting. It's probably like what they say about marriage problems, it's not about the money at all. It's about how come all of a sudden they dont know you or trust you? Why did you become a stranger in your own home - when your stepfather moved In? Why didnt you have any goodwill to fall back on? These are the questions im hearing repeated in this situation, now that you explained your history more. You have good insight. I love masterson, I have several of his books. And of course kohut
Thanks for this!
Perna
  #6  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 04:05 PM
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Vossie42 Vossie42 is offline
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OP: I think the restaurant treated you horribly regardless of your history with them. What they said isn't the issue. I'm sure the people you talked to were simply stating restaurant policy regarding this particular situation. They have to apply the same policy to everyone who can't pay regardless of why they can't pay. The issue is HOW they expressed themselves. And it was simply horrible. Rude, humiliating, and incredibly bad customer service, and bad customer service means bad publicity which means fewer customers. The diners who witnessed this may have believed you made an honest mistake and were shocked at how you were treated. After all, it could happen to them. Congrats on sticking to your guns!

In case you didn't know, when debits and credits hit your bank account, the bank will process the debits before the credits. This is how people wind up with overdrawn accounts due to making purchases while the account balance is so low - even if the bank statement says you have enough money to cover the purchase. Nasty, huh?
  #7  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 05:07 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pepsiholic2013 View Post
I normally don't stick to something when I'm faced with conflict - and the fact that I shared my feelings with the manager was a big step for me (was it right? was it wrong?
I am reminded of when I forgot a bag with a couple cans of $0.43 cat food at the grocery store and called the store manager and yelled at him because the clerk had packed my 5 items in like 3 bags (and the one with the cat food, the "reason" I'd gone to the store in the first place, got left behind :-)

I laugh now because as annoying as it is to lose the $0.86 worth of cat food and have to go back out to a store to get some, calling the manager is a bit much?

The other thing I get out of my odd "urges" that are over the top is to realize it's not about the cat food, for me it's usually a projection of some other anxiety and the "anger" at the cat food thing is easier than facing and fixing the anxiety situation.

Perhaps your new job is scary or being down to $12.39 is scary, etc.? Anger is what "motivates" us to do something else, it's an action feeling; I know when I get feeling helpless, that's when suddenly I start feeling the angriest about something completely different. It's energy producing.
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  #8  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 05:25 PM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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hankster and Vossie42, thank you for your replies! The issue that I am discussing here is not about the money at all (I can handle that); it's about how I was treated. I understand that there's policies and that they may have been sticking to them; but the other comments were very unnecessary (except for, if I ever do this again then I'm not allowed to eat there). Especially the comments the second day when I went back in to speak to manager.

That's a very good question hanskter; I feel as if I was treated as if I were a patron who came in the very first time to eat and not someone who worked there for months (and I left on good terms) and has eaten there almost every day. How come the manager felt so comfortable saying things like that? Or even "Should I check to see if it's counterfeit?" "Oh, him... why are you listening to him? He doesn't have any money either."

As for the stepfather thing - he didn't move in with me. I was raised by my great-grandparents in another state. I moved in with my mother and stepfather when I was sixteen - my stepfather did not want me there and said that he hasn't ever liked me and could never like me (a friend overheard him say this to my mother).
Thanks for this!
unaluna
  #9  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 05:42 PM
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unaluna unaluna is online now
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Oh okay - so your stepfather - well obviously you are half your mom and half your dad. So did he not like the half that reminded him of your dad, or because you were too much like your mom? I guess the exact details or comparison to the restaurant situation dont matter as much as you figuring out - this makes me sensitive to rejection (or whatever) Or I have a repetition compulsion for xxx. Like I had to figure out what role was assigned to me in my family - unfortunately I was pretty good at ignoring the obvious. Now when they call, my t has to re-remind me.
Thanks for this!
Pepsiholic2013
  #10  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 06:19 PM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna View Post
I am reminded of when I forgot a bag with a couple cans of $0.43 cat food at the grocery store and called the store manager and yelled at him because the clerk had packed my 5 items in like 3 bags (and the one with the cat food, the "reason" I'd gone to the store in the first place, got left behind :-)

I laugh now because as annoying as it is to lose the $0.86 worth of cat food and have to go back out to a store to get some, calling the manager is a bit much?

The other thing I get out of my odd "urges" that are over the top is to realize it's not about the cat food, for me it's usually a projection of some other anxiety and the "anger" at the cat food thing is easier than facing and fixing the anxiety situation.

Perhaps your new job is scary or being down to $12.39 is scary, etc.? Anger is what "motivates" us to do something else, it's an action feeling; I know when I get feeling helpless, that's when suddenly I start feeling the angriest about something completely different. It's energy producing.

Hmmmmm.... I really liked this reply as it has given me something to think about. I do have some anxiety about the new job - since I work with very high-net worth people (and I'm from a low class/lower middle class family). The job is actually very simple though - and I don't have any anxieties about my performance (the anxiety focuses on my clothes not being as "good" as the people in the office, I don't have as nice of a car, I don't speak with the speech patterns of the other people, worried that I won't have as much class as the other people and make social blunders, etc). These aren't worries that are present all the time - and I've actually got really comfortable being there. I don't think it was the $12.29, since I knew I got paid the very next day for two weeks of work in my new job (which is A LOT more money than I had been making).

Perhaps calling the manager is a bit much; much like the cat food incident (I hope that one day I can look back and laugh like you at the situation). So what could I be angry or scared about now that I'm projected it into the situation and others at the restaurant?
  #11  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 06:36 PM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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Originally Posted by hankster View Post
Oh okay - so your stepfather - well obviously you are half your mom and half your dad. So did he not like the half that reminded him of your dad, or because you were too much like your mom? I guess the exact details or comparison to the restaurant situation dont matter as much as you figuring out - this makes me sensitive to rejection (or whatever) Or I have a repetition compulsion for xxx. Like I had to figure out what role was assigned to me in my family - unfortunately I was pretty good at ignoring the obvious. Now when they call, my t has to re-remind me.
Interesting! I never thought of it as a sensitivity to rejection (could this mean I have some Borderline-like qualities - (fear of abandonment)?). I always thought it as a fear of disapproval (although... after our discussion here I can see having someone disapprove of me as being a rejection of me as a person - who would love me?).

As for the stepfather situation. I'm not sure - he has pointed out things that I've done that are like my mother. I don't think he dislikes my mother - or my father. When I was in high school and struggling with severe depression and anxiety (my therapist put in the notes that I would read years later that I have an anxiety toward stepfather's approval/disapproval), I had an "Aha!" moment when I was telling my therapist about an incident with my stepfather that I had the week before. It was when I finally tried to stand up to him (he yelled at me for something totally beyond my control - and a few days before I spent very early morning all the way past midnight cleaning just my room [literally getting a cloth and wiping into the corners of base boards, cracks in the wood on the floor, etc] only to have him not acknowledge anything and to yell and scream at me for having dust under the bed) and I started to put my voice out there - and eventually had an emotional breakdown and said that I've grown to like him and that I love him (while hysterically crying) and went over to hug him and put my arms around him - he never hugged me back. In fact, he didn't even move his hands from his hips - he never acknowledged it. When my mother came downstairs he just said, "I think he's having a breakdown or something." When I was crying and telling my therapist about this - I was really in the moment and being open and she was asking me questions/saying things (that I don't remember).... when all of a sudden I said, "You know what... I don't care anymore!" And she asked me why's that - and I told her, "I don't need his approval. I can only do what I can do, and nothing more. As long as I'm happy with what I do, that's all that matters!" Instantly, a huge smile broke out and I stopped crying - I even chuckled as my therapist smiled back at me. I felt an entire feeling throughout my body - I can still remember it when I think back about it (I feel it now). A LOT of my depression and anxiety (though not all) was lifted. The therapy ended a few sessions later with school ending.


Edit - looking back at the situation where I started to put my voice out there toward stepfather. I can't help but wonder if I experienced a "reaction formation" at that moment. I went from feeling so much hate and anger toward him (which I thought was bad since I had a very strict Christian upbringing and believed anger to be sinful and felt guilty over it), and then in instant I went from "I love you" and hugging him (perhaps putting my voice out there in anger toward him was a move in a positive direction, but was so new that I felt bad about it and created a reaction formation of loving feelings toward him so that I could continue with the "I'm okay; you're the one with the problem"?). Food for thought.

Last edited by Pepsiholic2013; Jun 29, 2013 at 06:42 PM. Reason: Added a new perspective at the bottom that I just realized.
  #12  
Old Jun 29, 2013, 06:37 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
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Ah, an "embarrassment" of riches? I remember when I was living hand-to-mouth and would have $4.37 balances and then married my husband and suddenly had $3,482.63 balances? Maybe you don't feel "worthy" and a bit like a fraud suddenly making all that money and here these people "saw" that and called you on it?

You think you're "pretending" but they don't know anything about that, but it rubs it in because you cannot prove they're wrong to yourself; you literally did not have money for the bill right that moment ("But he's not wearing any clothes!")

That could be why the "joke" of lending you money to pay the bill did not make you feel better and like the person was an adversary instead of a former colleague/"friend"? You went from job A to job B but here you are in the "middle"; A doesn't want you and you can't prove you belong to B.
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  #13  
Old Jun 30, 2013, 04:30 AM
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Now that you've had this financial embarrassment, what would you do, differently, in the future?
  #14  
Old Jun 30, 2013, 11:12 AM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna View Post
Ah, an "embarrassment" of riches? I remember when I was living hand-to-mouth and would have $4.37 balances and then married my husband and suddenly had $3,482.63 balances? Maybe you don't feel "worthy" and a bit like a fraud suddenly making all that money and here these people "saw" that and called you on it?

You think you're "pretending" but they don't know anything about that, but it rubs it in because you cannot prove they're wrong to yourself; you literally did not have money for the bill right that moment ("But he's not wearing any clothes!")

That could be why the "joke" of lending you money to pay the bill did not make you feel better and like the person was an adversary instead of a former colleague/"friend"? You went from job A to job B but here you are in the "middle"; A doesn't want you and you can't prove you belong to B.
Perna, yes! When I had to go back into the restaurant after checking the balance at the ATM, I did feel like a fraud and when I explained how much was available at the ATM, I did feel like I was exposed (naked) and that everyone saw me for what I was. Exactly what that is, I do not know.

I am a bit confused by some aspects of your reply. Specifically that I think I am pretending and that they saw that (even though they don't know anything about that) and called me on it.

Also, to (sort of) change the subject. Since you and I both interested in psychoanalysis/object relations, last night I recalled two memories that I do believe are linked to the feelings I had in the present situation.

The first (and more recent) occurred in the seventh grade (I'm now 23 soon to be 24). A girl (a friend) told me that she had to tell me something, and I replied, "What's that? You're boyfriend got you pregnant?" I was attempting to be funny and make her laugh - we went to a Christian school and the girl was very shy and quiet and sweet (everyone was also really perverted that year with jokes). Looking back I realize that it was a horrible thing to say - I've learned from the mistake. She went and told our teacher, and the teacher called me in and wanted to know why I would say that, if I knew that is slander and that she could sue me (which angered me, how on earth could a "friend" that I've known for years just ignore all the relationship we had built and sue you over something that was said). I had the deer stuck in headlights feeling (anxiety) and was not able to look teacher in the eye. I felt very ashamed and I felt very angry toward the girl and the teacher - but would never show it or express it (since being angry to me then was sinful and did not fit in with my "nice" image of myself that I had in my head).

The second incident was a few years prior to that when I was probably 10-12. It was on a playground in the town that I grew up in, a small child walked up to me and said, "Look Mommy! A big baby!" and held his arms out to me like he was going to hold me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed - I also had that same deer in headlights feeling. I got so angry toward the child and the mother - I imagined myself or my family yelling at her for failing to properly raise a child. I quickly ran in the opposite direction. I stopped going to playgrounds, public pools, doctors offices with small children. I felt very anxious and uncomfortable when around children - I hated them and wanted nothing to do with them. I was very critical toward the parents in my head (how could you let your child speak so loudly, how on earth could you let snot run down your child's nose, how on earth could you let your child wander around the waiting room and speak to people?).

Typing the second incident now reminds me of another memory around the same age. I was always much smaller than my peers (at one point in middle school I only weighed half of what the other guys weighed and I've always been short). I'm also very weak - even now I can't even do one push-up. I was at my mother's house for the summer and we had a small pool in the backyard that my younger brother (by two years), the son of my mother's friend (younger than ten at the time), and I were all playing in. Eventually somehow, my mother's friend's son ended up on top of me and kept jumping up and down not realizing what he was doing. This kept me underwater - and I was choking. I began to panic. To make matters worse, my younger brother of two years was under me. I tried pushing the boy off my back - but he would just jump again on me. This kept me underwater, and my brother under me in the water. We both were really choking when he finally got off me. I ended up getting in trouble - with both my mother's friend and my mother. I got grounded and had to sit out that day because I apparently "intentionally tried to drown my brother." That was not my intention (I was scared during the incident), I didn't want to drown him (and looking back on this - I feel so angry... wtf!? Why on earth would I try to drown my own brother? And if I did, then you both failed as adults - and a parent - when you didn't take me to a psychologist/psychiatrist after that incident!). No one took my side, no one even considered my version of the events. No one believed me - not even a consideration that I could be right. I was wrong from the beginning -set up for failure (possibly). I was told that I'm the older and bigger one, and that I need to grow up and stop blaming Chris (the boy on top of me) for the incident. Chris received no punishment.

No idea how they both original memories and the third memory related to the second one are actually related to this incident.

Sorry for such a long response! I realize that I'm extremely long winded and bogged down in details!
  #15  
Old Jun 30, 2013, 11:15 AM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
Now that you've had this financial embarrassment, what would you do, differently, in the future?
I'm going to save more money now and not cut myself so short so that I will have something to fall back on. I was not able to save before because during unemployment I was not able to make enough money to cover basic living expenses (and depleted the few hundred that I did have) like rent, car payment, car insurance, groceries, etc. When I worked at the restaurant - I was just barely able to make my monthly expenses. Now that I have a new job, and I'm netting A LOT more than I was grossing before - I can actually save a few hundred per month. I also will probably go to my bank's ATM to withdraw money so I can have the physical cash on hand.
  #16  
Old Jun 30, 2013, 12:59 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pepsiholic2013 View Post
I am a bit confused by some aspects of your reply. Specifically that I think I am pretending and that they saw that (even though they don't know anything about that) and called me on it.

Also, to (sort of) change the subject. . .

and I replied, "What's that? You're boyfriend got you pregnant?" I was attempting to be funny and make her laugh
Not a change of subject! :-)

I think a 180 degree turn of events in your financial/personal world happened faster than your "Self" can respond. When I said you were pretending, I mean your thoughts/feelings/unconscious self has not quite gotten use to the fact that you are now actually rich and famous. So, when you are shown to not have money at the moment, your thoughts/feelings/unconscious self is horrified that what you know intellectually is "fact" may not actually be so and you may be deceiving yourself. You can act confident and order an expensive meal with only $3 to spare in your account because you "know" you are getting paid later and all will be well but then things did not turn out that way.

However, the other people can't see inside of you so don't know all this is going on. They do not know you are acting confident or why and you do not know how to continue to be confident. Hence, you feel attacked by other people's words doubting you and your motives. If you know yourself and your motives well, it's like "Your mother wears combat boots!" -- crude, rude, and uncalled for but it doesn't distress you.

The other side is shown with your "your boyfriend got you pregnant?" response to your friend. I thought you were going to say you guessed right and she was pregnant You said it as a joke because you did not believe it could possibly, in your wildest dreams, be true of that friend. However, as you see, there's a whole lot going on underneath with other people and other people's responses are not based on what we think!

The responses of the people in the restaurant are theirs and based on their perceptions and what is going on underneath for them, not on who you are or how stellar a worker and friend you have been over the years, etc. I often (or almost always :-) forget that about other people.

Look at my original response to you and your initial feeling about it. As you know NOW I'm not a horrible person out to bust your chops. As I know now, you aren't an "idiot" who can't manage his money and see the "obvious". I responded to you, not with questions I had (I didn't have as many as I should have or state them as questions to get information; I know it all and my questions were to "help" you see the "flaws" in your thinking :-) but with my $0.02 opinion stated as if I knew your situation in its entirety. You responded emotionally to my lack of knowledge but were capable/wise enough to back off from how you felt and look at what I asked and see if what I said might actually be used to help you, to heck with the arrogant, condescending idiot behind those questions
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  #17  
Old Jun 30, 2013, 01:12 PM
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unaluna unaluna is online now
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Re the kiddie pool incident : sounds like the babysitters ie the parents were not doing their job that day and blamed you. And it does sound like you somewhat relived the feelings the restaurant day.
Thanks for this!
Perna
  #18  
Old Jun 30, 2013, 02:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pepsiholic2013 View Post
And if I did, then you both failed as adults - and a parent
That's why they could not see any other scenario besides their own incorrect one. If they had, they would have been "wrong" and they would have nearly seen two boys endangered because they were not paying sufficiently close attention to three boys roughhousing in the pool.

Young children may scream "I wish you were dead!" at their parents but don't "mean" it even though they also do. Your mother and her friend used the "intentionally" in the same manner; you would not have had an adult's intent, you were trying to "win" or were angry at your brother, etc. something of that nature is probably what they thought? You did not drown your brother (in their eyes) so using such strong language is in the "almost doesn't count except in horseshoes. . .and hand grenades" category; in your case, the hand grenade one because you knew the truth and they did not and their lack was hurtful to you.
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  #19  
Old Jul 04, 2013, 03:01 AM
jan16th jan16th is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pepsiholic2013 View Post
I worked at a restaurant/bar from the end of January until the end of May this year (almost four years). During my time there, I never had a problem with any of my coworkers. I was even told that when the owners had a meeting with the general managers and restaurant managers, that nothing but good was said about my work there. One of the managers even said that I was one of the best employees that they had for that position - and he didn't want me to leave (even joked around that they weren't going to accept my two weeks notice, that I'm not allowed to leave, etc).

Since that time, I've gone in to eat there almost every other day (if not every other day). During this last month, I've spent well over $200 there in dining out.

Yesterday, I knew that my checking account was low (however, I got paid on Friday today from new job). I checked my account balance online, and it said that I had $12.29 as my ledger balance as well as my available balance. The food item that I wanted was $9.75, I planned on leaving a $2.00 (20% tip), which would leave me with a balance of $0.54. However, my card got declined. I told them that I had almost $13.00 available and that I checked the account online before coming here, and so I told them that I would run tot he ATM on the next block and take the money out myself. However, when I got to the ATM and printed a balance inquiry, it said that I only had $4.50 available.

I went back into the restaurant and told the server that, and that I didn't know what was wrong. Her face turned red and she didn't know what to do; she just sort of stood there. Another server overheard, and he came over and said, "Awe; you came here to eat and you got no money! What are you going to do?" I then told him about checking online before I came in, and he said that if I told him that $3.50 was available, that he would have believed me since that would be the almost $13.00 - the food item and that it would have been a problem with their register. He told me to hold on that he'll go get the manager on duty.

The manager on duty came over and asked me what's going on. I explained the situation to her; she ended up paying for the cost of my meal. She told me that I owe her the money before I can come back in here and eat and drink. She said that if I ever do this again - that I can't eat here from then on. She told me that I owe the female server a big tip, that I have to give her a minimum of $5.

I felt embarassed, angry, and hurt over the entire situation. The male server basically called me a liar when he said he would have believed me, and he made it seem like I intentionally came in to eat with no money. Then the manager on duty made it seem like I may plan on doing it again when she "If you ever do this again..." and like I chose to do it on purpose this time - and I was angry that she told me I had to leave a tip and how much (I always tip 20%-25% even for bad service; but I don't believe a waiter or restaurant should ever comment on tips or require them).

I'm wondering if they knew me, if they felt comfortable saying those things. Would they have said those things if I were not a frequent and used to work there? Did they say those things because they truly believed that I came in intentionally without money? How come they would not give me the benefit of the doubt - I've known them (worked everyday for four months and have been coming in more now that I'm not working there). Would they say them to another frequent? Does it show that they do not respect me?

I felt embarrassed during every part of this ordeal; and even two other patrons witnessed (they looked over as their faces turned a bright red - were they embarrassed for me? were they pitying me? did they think that I was a bad person who did come in with no intentions of paying?). I left with my heart racing, heavy breathing with shortness of breath, and it was all that I could think about - I kept replaying the situation in my head. I had to journal and write down everything that was said.

I even went back online and printed my bank statement, which showed that I had $12.29 available.

I went in today with my money, a $20 bill actually. I explained to the manager on duty that I was not happy with what was said yesterday - that I felt really embarrassed when the server said things like -you have no money- -I would have believed you...- and she asked me, Oh... why do you listen to him? He has no money either..." I even showed my printed bank statement to her and told her that I didn't intentionally come in and eat knowing I didn't have money to pay - that it was an honest mistake. She said that she didn't want to see that (even though she took her time looking at it) and that she only wanted her money. I gave her the $20, and she said things like -I don't want to take all your money- -where did you get this? do I need to see if it's counterfeit?- I just looked at her and shook my head. I told her that I won't be coming back anymore - that this will be my last time there. I told her it's a shame since I've become a regular there - and she said that's why she thinks it's ridiculous (was she saying ridiculous for me to not come back? or ridiculous that I come there everyday?). When I told her that I didn't like that she said "If you ever do this again..." she told me that I misheard her - and that she said I can't eat there until I pay that... and I told her that's not how I remember it - and she told me that I'm remembering wrong and that's not what she said... we kept going back and forth (with me repeating that's not what I remember) until eventually I told her that she's entitled to her own opinion and that it doesn't change my memory of what she said. I then told her goodbye and left. She didn't say any of this in a mean manner - she said it rather lightly like she was kidding or trying to get me laugh (like with the counterfeit comment). the whole time her face was red.

I had to go back in and get my keys - and I believe another server may have been discussing me with some patrons at the bar as she became quiet and stared at me when she saw me.

I'm thinking about taking this issue to the general managers tomorrow.

What do you guys think of this situation? How would you have handled it? Would you go back and eat?
You worked there for almost four years, with glowing comments from the management and got along well with your co-workers, yet they treated you as if you never worked there . I would have mentioned that fact , as well as being regular customer that always left a generous tip. Personally, I think they resented you coming back and having to "serve"you. The slip up with the money was what they needed to really throw the slopp at you. Taking this up with the G>M> would be a waste of time as well as continuing to patronize the place. They do not seem to like you. Perhaps they are jealous you left for something better and they are stuck because they are unqualified for anything better. Time to move on and not spend so much time over a $12 slip up.
  #20  
Old Jul 09, 2013, 10:57 PM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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I am happy to report that I have stuck to my word and have not returned to the restaurant, nor have I attempted to reach out to anyone in an attempt to form a connection with my past (if that makes sense).

Recently I had a few drinks at another local bar, and the men that I were talking to said that they noticed that I seemed distracted. In fact, I was actually thinking about what went on at the restaurant. I told them what happened making sure to state facts and not evaluative opinions; it turns out that the three of them are frequents at my former workplace and have been friends/known my boss for many many years. One of these men looked me up on Facebook and sent me a friends request on Sunday, which is the day that they usually spend the most time there (not aware of this since I didn't work that day) - so I'm wondering if they were there...

However, I am also friends with two people that currently work there (I was friends with them before; the one they hired since he was my friend and I told them about him when I put in my two weeks notice). The guy friend went into work today and saw that he was only scheduled to work today, and that the two other days that he works they have him down as requesting off. He did not request off. He asked the other manager (not the one that I had my problems with) and he said that the guy friend (who is employee that took my place) will know what's going on when he talks to the other manager (the one I had problems with) when they see each other next. A coworker told the guy friend that he can't say anything about what it's about but that when he does have the talk with the other manager that he'll know what friend this involves too. Luckily, the friend (current worker) started a new full-time job this week and was only working there nights three times per week.

The other employee that I talk to there (knew long before working there) said that she overheard a female bartender say something about me to which another bartender yelled loudly that he hopes I never show my face again in that restaurant because he wants to punch me in the face.

In addition, I am hearing that the gossip going around to my former coworkers and the frequents at the restaurant/bar is that the reason I haven't been in for such a long time is because of my behavior; that I was so bad that the employees had to gather me and escort me out of the restaurant and for this I'm no longer allowed back in. None of that is true.

I believe that the manager I had issues with and some of the employees may be insecure in the workplace, and that to cover up for their deficiencies (like how the manager I had issues with treated me those two days) that they are setting out to sabotage me/set me up for failure. I'm not able to defend myself against them, to voice my side of things to the patrons or workers, etc. I feel like I'm being the one made out to be the bad guy.

I'm not sure I know how to handle this situation now... I feel like the s--- has hit the fan and been flung everywhere... where do I start to clean u p this mess? How do I clean it up? I feel a bit overwhelmed by it now, and I wish that I could just make everything better. That it would just go away... but it's not. and that makes me depressed.
  #21  
Old Jul 12, 2013, 05:46 AM
Pepsiholic2013 Pepsiholic2013 is offline
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So now the place is accusing the other host of walking out without paying for a beer... we discovered this when they were bragging about it to each other and the frequent patrons! So another host (we're still friends) ended up paying for it with $5... will this craziness ever end!?
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