SingItOutGemini, what you have written is very triggering. I strongly urge you to go to your nearest ER or to call the suicide helpline: (800) 273-TALK. There are a bunch of other help/resource lines you can find in the stickies posted in the main depression forum. I actually had to call the suicide hotline above just today and they really helped me out. You are NOT a waste. Please get some help and hang in there.