[Gabu]

I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. The increase in my Prozac from 20 to 40mg seems to be responsible for my insomnia, as it feels like whenever I'm awake and not already falling asleep, I toss and turn and feel agitated. I'm bouncing my leg as I'm typing this right now. Though today I went to a family reunion and a baseball game, and that was a lot of fun. I found myself talking a lot, which is pretty unusual for me, and it's overall been a very satisfying day. Now to just get to sleep.

I started outfirst thing this morning very very down....wanted to cry..no weep...and as usual just a few tears down my cheeks and then other distractions and its over. The despair is still there, just no more tears, no crying. All this just in and between a couple of posts.
I hate the endless bouts of despair and hopelessness.
I KNOW I am supposed to be hopeful and positive, but how do you convince yourself to be that when you don't FEEL it?!?

[herethennow]

i hate this feeling. so so much.
just want to bawl my eyes out.

[bluedolphin92]

Today at the grocery store my mom asked me, "Why do you seem so sad all the time these days?" I just kind of shrugged my shoulders because I'm still not really sure how to tell her about how I feel, plus the middle of the grocery store isn't really the best place to talk about that sort of thing. She then went on to ask me if I hated being at home and hated being around her and my dad. I said "no" because I mean...how the hell else am I supposed to respond to a question like that? But the truth is that I DON'T really like being at home or around them for any length of time. I wouldn't use the word "hate" but well...I definitely need to get away from them. I'm just starting to realize how different I am from them, and how much I need to be more independent. Plus my dad's immaturity and my mom's co-dependence really start to wear on my nerves. I feel sometimes like they are toxic to me, like they make the problems I already have even worse. Getting away from them would be a refreshing change. I think getting out of state is the only way to do that. At my current school they'd guilt me into visiting them, and I'd still have to deal with summers at home. Transferring out of state would mean I wouldn't have to visit as often, and could stay on campus during the summer.

It's so difficult because every time my parents say something like that, it makes it harder for me to tell them I want to transfer out of state. But at the same time, it makes me even more certain that transferring out of state is what I need. I've only been home for a little over a month and already I'm not sure how much more I can take. I feel terrible for feeling the way I do about them. They've always been good to me, and I still love them very much. I just can't stand being around them.

[happy 2 b here]

You seem to be struggling so hard with this issue -- your profile page says you are 20 years old -- the same age my daughter was, when she moved out and into a place with her best friend. She had been talking about it for a few months, so, maybe that was her way of preparing me for the change. I would have been quite happy if she had chosen to stay home a little longer -- she was my last child to move out -- empty-nest syndrome was looming!!

It was her life -- her decision -- all I wanted, as does any parent, is for her to be happy. That was 13 years ago

It is your life -- it should be your decision -- you are feeling the stress of your parents' relationship, and it is not healthy for you

If moving out of state is financially possible for you, I would bet that you would love to be in a place of your own, on campus -- as a parent, I would certainly understand and support my adult child's wanting to do this.

[Witchy Woman]

this is my first post to this forum. I got up feeling fairly good. Finally got my mother on the phone, she had been having problems with her service so it wouldn't ring when people called in. After talking with her for an hour I have lost all motivation to do anything. I feel completely exhausted, all I want to do is go to sleep. Maybe when I wake up I'll find it's all been a bad dream.

[phaset]

Still feeling crappy. I wish I could relax and enjoy a movie or something, but I can't get out of my head.

bluedolphin, I think going away to school was good for me. I can't say it was good for my grades, but I had tons of experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I'd love to live on campus again. If you want to do it, go for it!

[SingItOutGemini]

I feel list a waste. Like I can't contribute to anything or anyone in my life. Ideas? I need help staying afloat today...

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by SingItOutGemini

I feel list a waste. Like I can't contribute to anything or anyone in my life. Ideas? I need help staying afloat today...

SingItOutGemini, what you have written is very triggering. I strongly urge you to go to your nearest ER or to call the suicide helpline: (800) 273-TALK. There are a bunch of other help/resource lines you can find in the stickies posted in the main depression forum. I actually had to call the suicide hotline above just today and they really helped me out. You are NOT a waste. Please get some help and hang in there.

Just as I was down in the depths of despair less than 24 hours ago, now I am back to my righful old self. Not that it's a good thing being my rightful self, but it sure beats the hell out of all that despair.

[angryworld]

Nortriptyline complely ineffective, pain making me stupid crazy. Will probably be awake all night and miserable in the morning.

[Melinae]

Laughing like crazy last night seems to have "evened out" my system and today I felt completely myself. Interesting

[tigersassy]

Weekend was ok. Back to work today... could be interesting.

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by Witchy Woman

this is my first post to this forum. I got up feeling fairly good. Finally got my mother on the phone, she had been having problems with her service so it wouldn't ring when people called in. After talking with her for an hour I have lost all motivation to do anything. I feel completely exhausted, all I want to do is go to sleep. Maybe when I wake up I'll find it's all been a bad dream.

Glad you are here. Some days the only "hugs" I get are from this website. It helps. There are people in life who drain the life out of us. I understand.

[lindammarie]

The double whammy... Not only am I depressed, but depressing people aren't very likable. I wish someone wanted to be around me...

[tokiwartooth]

I feel like all I do is go around in circles and never get anything accomplished.

[Bark]

Saw my psychologist today for the first time in over a month. Felt like I wasted the time that I had; apparently I said things I had already mentioned before. Funny thing, she asked me what my goals for therapy were. I mentioned working on my coping skills... and then my mind blanked out. I honestly had no idea what my goals were. My darn memory. Now that I think of it, maybe the medication is messing with it. It's happened before. Then again, my memory isn't good enough to know if it's happening again. :P I wonder if there's a test I could do to keep track of my memory.

Then again, there was some good. It's nice to talk to someone, and she gave me a tip or two to deal with my sister. And sometimes I need to hear someone saying that I have a good idea, or that I've been through a lot, or whatever. I find it hard to accept compliments, but I love receiving them. Makes me feel that maybe I am a bit good at something.

[bluedolphin92]

Finally told my parents about wanting to transfer schools. I'm not entirely sure how I was expecting them to take the news but I guess they took it alright. They even seemed to understand my wanting to distance myself a bit from them, which kind of surprised me considering some of the stuff they say sometimes. Their biggest concern seemed to be how we'd pay for it. I'm sure I'll be talking with them about this issue a lot more in the coming weeks.

One thing my dad said that I thought was kind of interesting was that I could possibly take some time off school and start working for a bit. This is actually something I'd kind of considered, since I really have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life at this point. If I had money, I'd take a semester or two off, move out on my own, and try to figure some things out. Now if only I could win the lottery, haha.

A pretty weird day for me today. I would say that it was a weird day because I let myself make it that way. I woke up very early this morning. It was an hour and a half before I really had to get up for work and I couldn't get back to sleep.

Just before I woke up I had a weird dream. I dreamt that I was a kid back home taking a walk and a dog met me and really liked me. The dog followed me home and wanted to come in the house but my parents didn't want the dog to come in. I remembered that my parents never wanted to have a dog. That dog's fur was shaved off a the rear half of his body. Must have had some kind of surgery. For some strange reason whenever I have dreams about my old house and parents, it's rarely pleasant.

When I got out of bed, the sun was very red. And then it got cloudy. At work, my mind was constantly filled with bad thoughts. I kept thinking that something terrible is going to happen to me. Like I will have some kind of catastrophic health issue. I really obsessed about it. It drove me crazy.

Nothing much at night.

Ahh my life....its cyclical. I mean I already know how the next 20 years is gonna go, just like the last 20 after my manic episode and crash. Just like the first 20, starting at birth.
When I get 'round to the good part again I am gonna really live it up since it will be my swan song....no way in hell it'll ever get back around again.

[bronzeowl]

Feeling horrible. When are the problems ever going to stop? All these problems and not a dime to fix them. Falling into a depression again. Not too surprising. I always come here when I am.

[Nammu]

Worried about a physical symptom, when I looked it up everything points to complications w/ my back. I guess my plans for tomorrow are now to call the doc.

[nicolerose]

i woke up, had lunch by myself
went to a class
walked around with a girl 7 years younger than me, that i had met the other day
unfortunately afterwards it got a bit "boring", we didnt have too much in common, and we kind of ran out of things to talk about and i dont think we'll be meeting up again.
i make an effort to try to meet people but they all go badly.
got back, surfed online, tried to fix my computer, because i accidentally deleted my photos since the last 6 months the other day and didnt notice it until yesterday, i did this in the morning too, but no luck

yesterday i woke up had lunch alone then went walking around by myself
i looked around in some shops but didnt buy anything
i went to a subway got a soda for less than $2 then started to write in a journal.. then i moved to a starbucks and started to write more there, i think i wrote a total of 2 hours. i did feel a little better but then afterwards i started to think about all the things going on and i feel overwhelmed that i dont know wahts going to happen in my life

[herethennow]

wasn't feeling good ystd so i si-ed. and i guess that's why i'm staying afloat today.
but one thing's for real though: i'm really finding meaning in this volunteer work i'm doing.. so that's a good sign.

i'm just disappointed with myself though for breaking my no-si streak..... hope this doesn't make me spiral downwards. *sigh*

[lindammarie]

I feel like everyone hates me. I feel like if they are supposed to like/love me, they say they do, but they really don't. I don't blame everyone for hating me.