The only time I referred to being "good" was when I brought up the way the current situation reminded me of my childhood. I was using "good" to refer to the rules that were set in my family, by the adults. I didn't mean to imply that there are objective "good" and "bad" ways to be, especially now as adults. I was trying to express that it felt unfair to me, as a child, when I "followed the rules" and was punished, while my sister broke the rules and was rewarded. I had no say in what rules those were; I was just trying to find a way to get attention/praise as a child, but it was always elusive.

I was not trying to assert any standards for how people should behave in their own lives. I was only trying to assert standards for how I want to be treated in my relationships. I suppose my friend did fail to live up to my standards, but that was because she treated me poorly-- not because of how she behaves in her own life, in ways that do not affect me.

I just want to add a clarification about what was in my e-mail to my friend. I didn't point out her personal flaws, or her shiftless ways, or ask her to change how she conducts herself in her private life. I only reiterated my boundaries, and told her how it affects me and our friendship when she violates those boundaries. I told her that I felt hurt and disrespected by her latest boundary violation, and that I could no longer continue this pattern with her. I told her that I needed to protect myself, but that I still cared about her as a person and I wished her nothing but the best. I also told her that I was willing to talk about this, if she wanted to.

I realize that I cannot have expectations about how she responds to my letter; that is up to her. I have no say in that. If I feel disappointed by her response (or lack thereof), that is MY issue-- and that is something I can talk about in my therapy. I do have the right to my feelings though, since feelings just "are"; we don't get to choose how we feel. I admit that I felt upset when my friend didn't say "I'm sorry for violating your boundaries." I realize that is MY issue, not hers, and that I would be better off if I didn't have that reaction. It does not help me to feel upset. So, I'm working on processing that with my T in the hopes that, next time something like this happens, I won't feel that way. But I don't think I'm wrong for having my feelings. I think it's understandable to want someone to say "I'm sorry" when they have been inconsiderate and disrespectful towards you. I don't think those are judgments; I think those are facts. When you tell someone "this is my boundary; please do not do X" and they do "X" anyway, I think that behaving in an inconsiderate and disrespectful way towards you. For instance, my friend knew that I keep my phone on at night because my father is ill and I need to be reachable in the event of an emergency. So, every time she would call at 3am or 4am, I would jump out of bed and run to the phone, terrified that something happened to my dad. And, instead, it would be her, drunk dialing me. She even told me that she called me BECAUSE she knew I kept my phone on for my dad, so I'd be the most likely to answer. I told her how much that hurt me-- that she was willing to wake me up in the middle of the night and intentionally let me think something happened to my dad, just so I'd answer and possibly bail her out. I did want her to understand how it made me feel when she violated my boundaries, and I was hoping that she would apologize. I also realize that it's not productive for me to have those hopes or expectations. I should focus solely on myself; setting my boundaries, and handling my own feelings. That's something I'm working on with my T. So, maybe, next time, I'll be able to do that.