Sounds like you need a better class of losers to hang out with - Randy Travis. Seriously, why do you engage with racists? You're not going to change their minds. It's probably something psychological, where you're trying to say that something in your life shouldn't have been that way, and given what you've told us about your past, I do agree. It's repetition compulsion, where you're trying to get it to come out differently this time. I never "grew out" of mine. Try DBT, being mindful, and find a really intelligent, philosophical t when you get home. And keep in touch. there are people here who get what's going on with you.