I'm not very liked on this trip

I feel like I'm accepted here for being so open about my past, which is super cool, but I also feel ostracized by everyone.

I'm nice and I'm pretty and people notice these things about me. But they also harp on everything in me that they don't like. I get shunned for being constructive in workshops and no one goes out of their way for me like they do other people. Also, I feel like everyone thinks I'm weird.

Today, I got completely ditched when I had plans with someone. I told an inappropriate joke and immediately apologized for it. My personality and sense of humor is just different from everyone else here, even though everyone can admit that I am a sweet, strong girl.

I'm sick of feeling the need to warp my personality to fit in. I honestly think that I am more understanding, thoughtful, caring, informed, better at communicating, mature, honest, braver, and more willing to admit my faults than most. These are good traits! Should I try to fit in, or be a loner until I go home? I don't even know if I can undo the damage.

I now I'm far from perfect, I just want to be happy being me. I don't get as mad at people for being themselves as long as they are nice to me. I like me. Why can't others?

Why dont you try thinking less often about yourself and more about other people? I would think everyone is in pretty much the same spot as you, strangers in a strange land. Im only saying this because this post sounds like I could have written it. When I took a Dale Carnegie course, I was like, why am I not getting an award? Im a better speaker than anyone else here! The week that I finally acknowledged there were other humans in the room worthy of my love and consideration was the week I finally got my award. It feels to me like you need to "see" the other people and worry more about them than yourself.

What are you basing that off of? I am always asking people questions, I wait for people and look out for their safety when no one else does, and take tons of time and consideration into other people's work. I saw people going out and asked if I could join them and they said yes and then failed to get me. I apologized when I made an off color joke. I am constantly complimenting people and trying to get in with their plans. What else am I supposed to do here, exactly?

Sorry.im just basing it on how your post sounds.

that's fair

Unknowingly, you're probably hurting others more than you realize. It's not what you intend. I totally believe you probably do have all the good traits you say you have. Something's missing, though. Either you get more sensitive to the feelings of others, or you pay the price in being ostracized, which you are not liking.

I have lived your story . . . and I still live it. I tell the occasional inappropriate joke. It's unwitting, on my part. Only after, do I realize how flat it fell. Then I just about want to cut my tongue out. Yeah, I'm more honest and brave and all that stuff. I'm also more lonely, and the world isn't going to carve out a special niche for me.

Hankster is not picking on you. I believe she feels your pain. So do I. You probably are a really worthwhile person. You probably do care about others. I, too, am caring. However, I'm here to tell you my painful experience. One insensitive remark can outweigh a ton of good that you do. Trust me. I've lived this. The price we pay for having a different slant on things can seem awfully high. It is. It's tragic. Also, we don't want to be phony.

It took me going into a partial hospitalization program for me to learn how I was coming off to others. Decent person though I am - and I AM - I still had this pocket of flippancy in my personality that came off a lot more aggressive to others than I had any idea. People will not put up with it. And they won't bother telling you, either. They won't explain, so you'll understand. The world will leave you to figure it out . . . or not.

To some extent, I'm guessing. I just sense that, in some way, you seem over-confident. That can come off as unattractively cocky to others. That was my own story, so I am baring my soul to share this with you. Lonely is the worst way to live.

I guess that my thing here is that I'm not sure at which Cost-Benefit stage to stop at. I'm not sure when I should be altering myself and when I should be like "I am me, if you don't like me, too bad". I'm not lonely, but I feel defective for being unliked all the time which hurts just as much. I have friends at home who love me and tell me I don't need to change and if people don't see the good in me, then they aren't worth it. My therapist is baffled at how people react to me and tells me not to worry about it because I am just mature for my age and things will even out in a few years.

I am a confident person and I am also a very insecure person. However, I feel that my insecurities lie in people insulting me for traits that I find admirable in myself. Why should I have to change the good in me to fit in? I'm honest and I'm an activist.

Just the other day, some kid was being racist and I told him straight out that he was, but I didn't insult him for it. Another kid told me off and said that I "didn't have to make fun of him" and I explained that I wasn't and that I was pointing it out because I'd appreciate if people told me when I was being offensive. Then they proceeded to talk about how "disgusting" fat people are. Why should I have to become spineless and a bigot in order to fit in?

Also, if people are not willing to be understanding with me, then why should I exhaust myself to understand them? I'm not perfect, but I'm at the point where I'm wondering if I should ditch my T's advice and quit trying to make friends with people.

I know that I can always count on having people who love me, but how do I cope with being despised by everyone? Everything I do pisses people off. I write a poem that sounds like another poem and another poet hates me for it. I start seeing a guy and his ex hates me for it. I stand up for what's right and get ridiculed for it. At what point should I just be content with my own company and quit trying to be liked by people who act on a lower moral/maturity standard than I do?

I'm not trying to be conceited, but I'm not sure how else to say it.

I'm glad that you have people who love you and that you don't feel lonely. That's a lot to achieve. Maybe you're fine just the way you are.

All you can really do is be yourself, if you feel you are putting on airs for others, that is not a good thing, but we all have to deal with others and alot of times it means we do have to watch our words, as we don't see each others facial expressions etc.. on here.

bottom line, we are who we are at the time we are being that,,, and people are not ours to control. if you like you, that has to be enough. if you don't like what comes your way, move. take a stand, decide: change or accept the way things are.

this is what experience has taught me, i'm just sharing. i have changed a lot in the last few years, and i like to think of it as improvement. i get better responses from others, too, they find me easier to tolerate. i was insensitive, to say the least, and critical. who needs that in their life ? not me..

accept and be accepted~

That flippancy, may be, what my mom meant about how I deal with others, sometimes. But, before I was even in PC, on the highway, this morning, I was contemplating the need to catch more flies with honey, than with vinegar! Why do I want to catch flies?

Do I honestly, turn others off, with what I have to say?! Is that my problem or theirs? If someone around me, doesn't have the cojones to say, you know what? I felt a little dismayed with what you said, then wouldn't this world be a lot better? Of course, I try my best, to be sensitive to what I say, and how I say it, but if people can't be honest and forthright, to begin with, why would I want them in my life.

There's that old saying, that as the years roll on, you'll be able to count your real friend on one hand.

Walking tall, with one's held high, is no reason to cast stones. Just sayin'.

That's how I took, the OP.

When someone is "confident" in themselves or has a tendency to be "very organized and in control", that often can be a "turn off" to others. Often the body language that goes along with "I am happy with myself and organized and in control" can be "intimidating" to others. We cannot see ourselves and the kind of messages we give off like others see us, so often we do things we are very unaware of that "turn others off and towards a thinking of "oh there she is miss know it all perfect". It could remind them of a "controlling and opinionated parent even though that is "not your intention". Being a very organized self satisfied person can send a message to others that you are too "judgmental". This is something that can happen to anyone who is confident and organized. People often do not want to be around anyone that can remind them of their shortcomings or areas they struggle with and don't want to have it pointed out to them in someway. High achievers tend to be "lonely" and do not realize "why".

OE

Love this post!! And then it comes down to the great philosophical question, does a high achiever, who cannot help their confidence levels, lower their body language and change to appease others??

I know my answer...

Sounds like you need a better class of losers to hang out with - Randy Travis. Seriously, why do you engage with racists? You're not going to change their minds. It's probably something psychological, where you're trying to say that something in your life shouldn't have been that way, and given what you've told us about your past, I do agree. It's repetition compulsion, where you're trying to get it to come out differently this time. I never "grew out" of mine. Try DBT, being mindful, and find a really intelligent, philosophical t when you get home. And keep in touch. there are people here who get what's going on with you.

I agree with this. As a "high achiever", I am lonely, but at least I have a pretty good idea why (at least for myself). My philosophy is that you know you're doing something right when people dislike you (not ALL people of course, but not all people should like you either). If you're good at anything or are smarter than average etc. etc., there will be people who don't like you. It's unfortunate, but in my experience has turned out to be true. I've also found that hanging out around people older than me (by a generation or two) helps as well as they are less prone to petty jealousy (at least in my limited experience). I would just suggest if you're more mature/smarter/etc. than people your age, focus on becoming friends with people who are similar in maturity/intelligence etc., despite their age.

Also, I've spent a lot of class trips (don't know if that's what this is, but it at least sounds similar) being alone most of the time.

Sometimes honesty can be over-rated. Just because an opinion we hold is honest does not mean it needs to be expressed. I don't have to tell someone that I really hate what they are wearing. I doubt if you go around doing that either. Well . . . a lot of things can be looked at in the same way. If I don't like someone's way of thinking about an issue, I don't absolutely have to blurt that out to them. I can just listen. Or - I can move away from them so I don't have to listen to them.

This is something that I'm really working on hard myself. I've gotten myself agitated trying to respond to things people say that I disagree with. Now I tell myself, why get myself hyped up? I don't have to respond to everything. That gets tiring. People don't need to know what I think about everything. It's called using discretion in speech. It's not a case of being phony or changing who I am. I'm learning that I have to let other people be who they are, too.

This has been really helpful! Thanks so much guys!

I get called intimidating, confident, and articulate a lot like its an insult. A lot of the people I'm friends with admit to thinking I disliked them or being afraid of me for a while.

Open Eyes, I think I'm going to assume that doing me is A OK and just try not to let being disliked get me down so much. I am getting better at it. Its a slow, slow process.

Hankster, believe me, I typically don't associate with racists. I didn't pick the people I'm with. I'm studying abroad for a month. I've been hanging out with them less and less because though they are nice people, I can't deal with the arrogance, lack of regard for others, and I drink more than I should when I'm around them.

Before I moved to university, I never had these types of problems. My friends were all older and now they are my age or younger. It sucks at times.

Here's my game plan:

don't worry about how other perceive you unless it is work or school related
decide that the primary thing I need to fix is self-disclosure and making hefty
expectations
appreciate who I have and don't mind it when I'm alone.

How does that sound?

Studying abroad sounds like a great experience. Maybe get to know something about the locals. Try to bring back some memories you'll be glad to have. Self-disclosure is something that it is good to be careful about. Being at university can help you to evolve a lot into more of who you really are. I'm sure there are a diversity of people there. It may take some looking around to find peers you can fit in well with. Having friends is an important part of having a satisfying life. You can find them. Good Luck.

Thank you! I leave in two weeks though, so I won't stress on the friend thing too much =p