I do get riotgirrrl point here, Baker.

There are limits in what a forum can do.
A forum is a great place and this forum, particularly, is a great place with great people. But it has limits.
There are 18 pages, EIGHTEEN pages of posts, they're an awful lot. You felt our participation, appreciated our advice and nearness, still you're not happy in the least. One post you blame it on your mom and the next one you blame it on your husband. You certainly have reasons to do so, but you can see for yourself that you are not moving forward.
I guess that's because you need dedicated help, something more precise and specific than what you get here.

Your big issue is that you just let go of your mom's hand. Similar experience as when you did it for the first time when you where a little girl. Now the world is too big a place for a little girl that let go of her mother's hand, she needs another hand to hold on to. And it cannot be 20 hands from a forum. It must be one. You must build trust between the 2 of you, you must set goals and then face all the trials and errors of a therapy.

I do feel for you too, but i told you everything i could and i could read 100 more of your posts like the one you just posted and i couldn't add one word to what i already said.

You are feeling so alone and depressed because you've just cut the cord and that's a big leap. Now there's some healing to do, come consciousness to be gained on all the processes that went on in your family, some work to do to build yourself up as in independent person, because your family did not help you do that.
A forum cannot do that.

A forum just can't.