Mother will not speak to me

I don't have a fear in seeking therapy. I welcome it. Unfortunately, I cannot speak to someone yet. I am hoping to be able to if god willing everything is ok after the baby is born.
I did read your original post before you deleted it.
My hope was when finding such a great place to post like this was to be able to release what was on my mind, read what others had to say and hopefully be able to get a better grasp on things temporarily. It has worked greatly for me. This was a good step in the right direction because I have never opened up to anyone about my life before.

I am glad that this place has helped you, and opening up has worked. Personally I do not see much in the way of you moving forward, you write with such depression, admit that you spend days in tears, you can't handle things, you're still bitterly disappointed in everything, hold so much resentment and you have a fair bit of self-pity. Sorry the last bit sounds really harsh, but when you write things like why you wonder why your husband married you etc, that is self-pity. Life has given you such a blow, I do not take that away from you and I do really feel for you, but I just think because you're so fragile, so very depressed that you really should seek therapy. I do not understand the wait if you welcome it - therapy takes time to work, so the longer you leave it, the longer you will feel rotten for - doesn't make sense. It doesn't matter if you stop when the baby comes along, you can just go back after a while - you'd have made a start and even that thought that you're going to be happier one day can give a little lift.
Life IS full of absolutely horrible bits at times, nothing we can do really can stop that - we do not control all circumstances or how people act with us. All we really do have is ourselves, and how we react to those things. I just think that you need help asap to learn how to react better, for your own sake.

I am glad you read the post before. I took it down because it's frustrating. Because I am not in the thick of depression, I can see things differently to you, and I find it very frustrating to read your way of thinking because it can be so greatly improved with some help. You're stuck in a bubble here, yet it can be helped if you get going and seek help. I do understand depression and how it can change a person and the ability to ever think things will get better, but so many people here have spent time to try and help you, therapy and coping methods has/have been suggested loads of times, stories have been shared, positive vibes have been given and a shoulder to cry on too. But these months on, I do not see any spark in you - because of depression you seem to be going around in circles - bad feelings about everything, blaming people, and looking for others to take the pain away. But they can't do this unless its conditional, you yourself are responsible for your own happiness and learning how to cope, to get stronger. I feel is the only way you are going to feel better and feel better is what you deserve.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. Maybe this is my issue, but I get frustrated with people who do not help themselves - depression sure can stop a person doing so, but you reached out here and asked for help, so surely you wanted help to start?

I do get riotgirrrl point here, Baker.

There are limits in what a forum can do.
A forum is a great place and this forum, particularly, is a great place with great people. But it has limits.
There are 18 pages, EIGHTEEN pages of posts, they're an awful lot. You felt our participation, appreciated our advice and nearness, still you're not happy in the least. One post you blame it on your mom and the next one you blame it on your husband. You certainly have reasons to do so, but you can see for yourself that you are not moving forward.
I guess that's because you need dedicated help, something more precise and specific than what you get here.

Your big issue is that you just let go of your mom's hand. Similar experience as when you did it for the first time when you where a little girl. Now the world is too big a place for a little girl that let go of her mother's hand, she needs another hand to hold on to. And it cannot be 20 hands from a forum. It must be one. You must build trust between the 2 of you, you must set goals and then face all the trials and errors of a therapy.

I do feel for you too, but i told you everything i could and i could read 100 more of your posts like the one you just posted and i couldn't add one word to what i already said.

You are feeling so alone and depressed because you've just cut the cord and that's a big leap. Now there's some healing to do, come consciousness to be gained on all the processes that went on in your family, some work to do to build yourself up as in independent person, because your family did not help you do that.
A forum cannot do that.

A forum just can't.

Bonnie,I just wanted to thank you for all the advice you have given to me. Yes, its true, there are 18 pages to my drama. I kept adding to it because I felt safe to let go of what was in my mind. It has greatly helped me cope through those times i felt like i had no one to talk to. Believe it or not I go back and re read what insight was offered to me from time to time.
You are so right, I need to examine my feelings and continue to strive for independence. I have been making progress even though I sometimes have episodes where I want to give up. It is a struggle, but I am confident that no matter what life goes on and I will have to make the best of what I have been dealt. I will conquer my issues one by one. I can't be in denial any longer. I can't be afraid and I have to do this for myself and my family.
I am concentrating right now on having this baby and praying that she will be safe and healthy. I am consuming my time with actually for once being happy about it, and letting go. I have been so scared to let others know about this baby on the way because of all the complications that I became a hermit. I am blessed, and I know that I've made it this long we have a good chance of making it through together. I have released those bottled up feelings and have shared the baby news with a few people already. I am so pleased. I feel so good about it. I'm not hiding any longer.
So again, take care, and thank you.

If in a depressive funk, now, why wait, to talk to someone? When the baby comes, will there really be time, in the day, to schedule a weekly session with a therapist?
What if you ended up with Post-Partum depression, and you don't have doctors lined up, to immediately help you? It can sometimes take 3 months of waiting to get into a prescribing physician, and it could take a while to find a talk therapist?

baker I hope you are doing well physically and emotionally. I think you are so very gracious and strong in accepting these last responses from riot, Bonnie, & healing. I can tell you it would have ... well actually it has scared me off. Although I had not yet been comfortable enough to open up and seek at least some compassion from others here, I was feeling it was a safe place to do so without being scolded for not jumping up and "fixing" myself. If they don't like 18 pages why do they bother to come back just go to another thread. I think going back as you said and rereading what others have said can be helpful. You are in a different frame of mind each time you read something and are able to think about what has been said or suggested to sort out what might work for you. I applaud you for just being able to get it out here, even rereading your own words can be helpful I would think. Take care of yourself, my prayers are with you.

Failureatlife, have you ever seen someone in pain, who's reaction to something bad is actually making things more painful? Have you ever seen someone so wrapped up in pain that kindness, help, listening over a period of time doesn't seem to work and you see them cry, unable to cope with anything?
To me, Baker seems to be heading towards a nervous breakdown. And it's avoidable. ITS AVOIDABLE. Have you never heard of the term of 'tough love'? It's something that is quite often applied when all else fails and sometimes it means someone hears something they really do not want to hear. Perhaps it is not my place to say anything like it, but this is who I am.

I cannot speak for Bonnie, (though I would guess she never meant anything mean) but my writing wasn't complaining about 18 pages, I wasn't jumping on Baker, I was trying to say how it is. That is there is nothing more that anyone can do, she needs to take over now and get herself some much needed help. Don't you see that at all? This isn't a popularity contest, I don't really care what you think of my post, or if Baker ends up hating me, because the only thing important to me here is that Baker gets help and starts getting her life back together. Nobody deserves to be crying all day, feeling that awful, just nobody.

Failure at life, scared off? How was this response, not meant in a most compassionate way?

((((Baker)))) dear...I am sorry I wasnt able to respond sooner. I have been grieving for the loss of my boy, and also dealing with a lot of emotions regarding my job.

First and foremost, the most important thing is to take care of you and baby. Whatever you have ro do.

I am sorry things arent great at home right now with H. I hope you will find some peace there soon. Stress really can have an affect on your and baby's health.

It took a lot of strength and bravery to confront your mother. She can pray for you and baby until the cows come home but basically I think all she is doing is not being there for you. Continuing to not be there for you. And leaving it up to a higher power to take care of things,.so she doesnt have to deal with it. It is her way of showing you, your own mother, that she is limited and will not and cannot be there for you.

I believe so strongly in the power of prayer and love when it is genuine and caring. Hell, I never would have made it these past months without it.

But I have to be honest, if my mother said that to me, without lifting a finger or making any sort of effort, I would be hurt, insulted and furious. You deserve more sweetie.

The only problem is, every person has limitations of what they can do. It isnt their fault, it is their sickness. And when it comes to family, it hurts x 100. And all the tears, those crocodile tears... they mean squat. They arent meant for a lost relationship. They are meant for the person (our mothers) crying for their own perceived victim selves. Making it all about them. Once again.

Please stay strong and dont fall for the trap.

At the same time, I encourage you to stand up for yourself and speak up for yourself.

I know how much you want to go to T. It was a gift straight from heaven for me. I was finally able to put some perspective on things and then focus on my own growth. If you can, go now. Forge a trusting bond with a lovely T that will nurture you and support you before baby is born. A mom figure would be ideal. It is crucial too that you express that you are very depressed and stuck in a cycle of pain. It will be more important than ever to have that support after baby is born. For both of you

Please keep writing and reaching out and giving us the opportunity to support you.

Perhaps you CAN start a new thread, too, like I did for Kitteh "The daughter / mommy that could"

Rose

Oh Rose, I am so sorry to hear this news from you. I thank you from the bottom
Of my heart for responding, and I will sincerely pray for you and keep you in my thoughts. God bless you, and again thank you.

QUOTE=Rose Panachée;3189731]((((Baker)))) dear...I am sorry I wasnt able to respond sooner. I have been grieving for the loss of my boy, and also dealing with a lot of emotions regarding my job.

First and foremost, the most important thing is to take care of you and baby. Whatever you have ro do.

I am sorry things arent great at home right now with H. I hope you will find some peace there soon. Stress really can have an affect on your and baby's health.

It took a lot of strength and bravery to confront your mother. She can pray for you and baby until the cows come home but basically I think all she is doing is not being there for you. Continuing to not be there for you. And leaving it up to a higher power to take care of things,.so she doesnt have to deal with it. It is her way of showing you, your own mother, that she is limited and will not and cannot be there for you.

I believe so strongly in the power of prayer and love when it is genuine and caring. Hell, I never would have made it these past months without it.

But I have to be honest, if my mother said that to me, without lifting a finger or making any sort of effort, I would be hurt, insulted and furious. You deserve more sweetie.

The only problem is, every person has limitations of what they can do. It isnt their fault, it is their sickness. And when it comes to family, it hurts x 100. And all the tears, those crocodile tears... they mean squat. They arent meant for a lost relationship. They are meant for the person (our mothers) crying for their own perceived victim selves. Making it all about them. Once again.

Please stay strong and dont fall for the trap.

At the same time, I encourage you to stand up for yourself and speak up for yourself.

I know how much you want to go to T. It was a gift straight from heaven for me. I was finally able to put some perspective on things and then focus on my own growth. If you can, go now. Forge a trusting bond with a lovely T that will nurture you and support you before baby is born. A mom figure would be ideal. It is crucial too that you express that you are very depressed and stuck in a cycle of pain. It will be more important than ever to have that support after baby is born. For both of you

Please keep writing and reaching out and giving us the opportunity to support you.

Perhaps you CAN start a new thread, too, like I did for Kitteh "The daughter / mommy that could"

Rose[/QUOTE]

I don't see a problem with having a single thread. Some people start a new thread every time they go to the bathroom - is that "better"?? I dont think so. The site maximun is 100 pages. Then you must restart.

I'm glad to hear your mum started talking again, such as it is. Now if h can calm his end down a little! And I wouldn't worry about being able to get in to see a doctor post partum - you and baby are the most fragile members of our society at that point, no? Unless you're the type to have the baby and then go back to working in the fields

(((Hankie)))) you are the best! Your responses make me smile i thought it would be a good idea to start a fresh thread, like starting a new chapter of a book. It helped me with Kitteh...it helped me focus on the positive and put the worry and hurt behind a bit. xo

Thinking of you!

((((Baker)))) checking in