Quote:
Originally Posted by poptart316
Right now I hate people (men) just for being ugly, not just physically ugly just all around unattractive and only being able to click with a very-very minuscule portion of them.. I got drinks with this guy and all he did was go on and on about brewing beer and drinking beer and I just was not into him.. I went out with this hipster guy, we sorta clicked cause I'm into music/local ****, but I feel like I've dated the same guy 10 times before- like do I REALLY wanna date another guy whose favorite band is the White Stripes? Then I hung out with this truck driver who looked very attractive from his pictures but he wasn't at all what I expected him to be when we met- he was a small dude.... like I really just want to find someone to replace Chris but I don't think I can, he is the nicest, kindest, gentlest guy ever, he's attractive and funny and bright.. he's just him and I'm mad that there aren't more people like him. I guess I should be happy that he still wants to be friends but I'm not. I don't think that I care that I don't have very many friends right now... I want something deeper, I want affection, intimacy, someone whose always there, someone to hang out with everyday.. I want Chris, everyone else sucks.
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I remember what this was like from when I was dating. I haven't had a boyfriend since 2009, but I remember what it was like when I'd date someone for a while and then we'd break up and I'd try to date again and it'd just be futile because no one else was going to be like the person I'd just broken up with. I don't click very quickly with men and so for me to form an attachment well enough to date someone is really big, and when it ends it is devastating for me. These days I don't even have a sex drive to speak of (like, zero--the thought of even kissing repulses me anymore) and I don't like myself well enough to try to present myself as a viable option to the opposite sex so I don't see myself dating at any time in the near future. I used to be pretty (or so people tell me), intelligent, witty, and fun but I've lost a
lot of myself in this last little breakdown (since my last hospitalization in November). These days I don't put makeup on or really do my hair unless I have to go to work. It's a good day if I shower on a day off. (My thought is why? I'm leaving the house to go to the store for 45 minutes, tops. Who gives a s***?)
Anyway, I got off topic.
I get what you're saying about not clicking with men, only I don't click with most people anymore. I used to click with people--though it was tough--but I really don't anymore. This frustrates me, but I think I'm rolling over the point of frustration into the realm of resignation. My T alluded to the fact that it's because I hate myself, and it never occurred to me that I do hate myself, but I guess it's true. It's tough to click with other people when you dislike and second-guess all of your actions and everything that comes out of your mouth. Sorry--that's really negative and depressing, but I guess it's true. Wish I knew what to do about it.