People

Feeling down today.

I'm afraid I'm going to end up a hermit. I think that, the older I get, the more I dislike people in general. People just upset me. I spend a lot of time alone (not really by choice for the most part, but I don't do a lot to change it these days, either) and when I do go out into the world to run errands I usually return to my home frustrated. Today I had to go to the Comcast (cable company) service center, which is about 2 miles from my house, and in that time I encountered so much stupidity on the road that I almost turned around and came home. That's not even counting the crap that happened on the way home. Some idiot pulled right out in front of me, nearly causing me to hit him and just waved at me when he did it. Then there are the people who can't navigate a 4-way stop because they're on their cell phones...and etc. I know that there is always stupidity on the road, but I work with the public...I encounter it every day. I'm glad I'm really good at hiding how I really feel or I would definitely be out of a job. For some reason my patients really like me. Hmmm.

And I used to really care deeply for people, more than I probably should have, but I can honestly say that there is no one left in my life that I value. It's sad, but it's true. When my guy friend broke our friendship back in June, I cried and everything the night he did it but then I was just over it. I guess I was just so used to friendships ending by that point, you know? I was thinking about it today, and couldn't believe it's been over two months since our friendship ended. And...huh...I've spent most of the summer alone. I think I've gone out with a friend maybe three times.

I read an article today which said that half of people polled would save a dog from an oncoming bus instead of a foreign tourist. I would definitely save the dog; it has nothing to do with the person being foreign. I definitely prefer animals over people.

Anyway, this post is kind of rambly. I'm just frustrated, sad and kind of lonely...

I really feel you about disliking people in general and thinking you're going to end up a hermit. I've been isolating myself from most people on purpose lately because I just can't stand all the meanness and back-stabbing and just plain stupidity. I feel like people in general only care about their wants and their needs and will stop at nothing to make themselves feel like they got what they wanted, no matter how many people they have to mow down to do it.

I ask myself the question "where have all the nice people gone" all the time and don't get much of an answer. I have, however, found some genuinely nice people here that actually do think of others in addition to, if not instead of, themselves. We may never meet in real life, but it helps to know they are here just the same.

There are nice people on here. It is hard for me to get on here sometimes because I don't find internet relationships all that fulfilling, but PC is pretty much all I have at this point. I spend the day on the computer or watching TV, ya know? Or sleeping, but I try not to do that to much or my schedule will get all out of whack and I won't be able to sleep when I'm supposed to.

Right now I hate people (men) just for being ugly, not just physically ugly just all around unattractive and only being able to click with a very-very minuscule portion of them.. I got drinks with this guy and all he did was go on and on about brewing beer and drinking beer and I just was not into him.. I went out with this hipster guy, we sorta clicked cause I'm into music/local ****, but I feel like I've dated the same guy 10 times before- like do I REALLY wanna date another guy whose favorite band is the White Stripes? Then I hung out with this truck driver who looked very attractive from his pictures but he wasn't at all what I expected him to be when we met- he was a small dude.... like I really just want to find someone to replace Chris but I don't think I can, he is the nicest, kindest, gentlest guy ever, he's attractive and funny and bright.. he's just him and I'm mad that there aren't more people like him. I guess I should be happy that he still wants to be friends but I'm not. I don't think that I care that I don't have very many friends right now... I want something deeper, I want affection, intimacy, someone whose always there, someone to hang out with everyday.. I want Chris, everyone else sucks.

I remember what this was like from when I was dating. I haven't had a boyfriend since 2009, but I remember what it was like when I'd date someone for a while and then we'd break up and I'd try to date again and it'd just be futile because no one else was going to be like the person I'd just broken up with. I don't click very quickly with men and so for me to form an attachment well enough to date someone is really big, and when it ends it is devastating for me. These days I don't even have a sex drive to speak of (like, zero--the thought of even kissing repulses me anymore) and I don't like myself well enough to try to present myself as a viable option to the opposite sex so I don't see myself dating at any time in the near future. I used to be pretty (or so people tell me), intelligent, witty, and fun but I've lost a lot of myself in this last little breakdown (since my last hospitalization in November). These days I don't put makeup on or really do my hair unless I have to go to work. It's a good day if I shower on a day off. (My thought is why? I'm leaving the house to go to the store for 45 minutes, tops. Who gives a s***?)

Anyway, I got off topic.

I get what you're saying about not clicking with men, only I don't click with most people anymore. I used to click with people--though it was tough--but I really don't anymore. This frustrates me, but I think I'm rolling over the point of frustration into the realm of resignation. My T alluded to the fact that it's because I hate myself, and it never occurred to me that I do hate myself, but I guess it's true. It's tough to click with other people when you dislike and second-guess all of your actions and everything that comes out of your mouth. Sorry--that's really negative and depressing, but I guess it's true. Wish I knew what to do about it.

I don't click with anyone in general either, my social anxiety makes it very-very difficult.. I've gotten to the point of not speaking and didn't even say much to my ex when we hung out. I have a couple friends but I don't feel like hanging out with them most of the time, I'm just too sad and have nothing to say anymore.. I just take up space and waste peoples time.

I feel attractive physically, well sort of.. I've gained some weight so I don't feel as attractive as I used to but people say I'm attractive. Although personality wise I feel repulsive, actually my friend kinda told me that I'm not that attractive in the personality department the other day.. he said he wasn't certain that I could keep a house clean even if that was the only thing I had to do and was basically saying I wasn't responsible or together.. which really ****ing hurt. I feel like most guys would be okay with ****ing me but none would ever be in love me, that seems to be the trend for me.

I'm just not a "people-person". I don't have any tolerance at all so I tend to stay in my bubble.
My lovely husband has just had a forced holiday from work for two weeks and went back yesterday and I'm finding it a bit tough not to have him around. He's the only adult I can be around for long periods.

I also have problems with ppl...even when feeling good I struggle to some extent. Its just part and parcel of our illness. With the right help though it will get better, it just sucks real bad in the meantime.

Over the years (32 now) I've accumulated 5 ppl that are in my little bubble. I tend to ignore the rest of the world and know I am safe in this bubble. At times I withdraw from them but they are always there when I come back. I sometimes panic that they wont be but so far they always are.

I think having too many ppl in your life is too much hassle. I prefer to have few ppl in my life.

People are over-rated!

I've been feeling this way more intensely recently, which isn't good. I think its to do with lack of trust in people, everyone is out for themselves in this lifetime. However, what good is being in a bubble for the rest of your life either? This is a debate which i've been torn over lately.

sorry you are feeling poop x

I think bubbles are good for while you are not able to deal with 'the real world'. Eventually it needs to be popped but not until you have the right tools...IMO

~ many hugs to you keena ~

I know how it is, going out and when I'm not very controlled every single driver besides me is an idiot and a maniac. I know all too well but there is one thing about me being older that is a good thing. I've learned a bit more how to let it go.. let is roll off my back a bit more. The thing is, there will always be dumba^^es out there. There will be 101 ways to irritate S4 everyday and then some. Knowing this I just try to go out not with the expectation that it's all going to irritate me but that knowing that it's a given they are nubs out there, I can brace for "impact" so to speak That's just me, I'm not saying or implying it's easy.

it's easy to shut off and distance and not care, but dont' let it happen, don't harden your heart. For every friend out there that is good for you, and to you, there are 10 lame jerks that will hurt you but even in that all the good friends you make will be worth the weeding through the muck to get to them. I promise. i have just a handful of real friends that have stuck through thick and thin.. that dont' judge me, that know how I am and love me just the way I am... but it's a short list. For those friends, yes, I would do it all again to find them again if I had to.

As for the dog, unfortunately.. I would save the person first then the dog if possible but I would prefer both... In spite of the crap that's been dumped on me time and again, people are worth it. complete isolation would be not a life worth living at all...

Absolutely agree - in my case anyway..

I don't click with men. I completely unerstand this hahah. I click with women better than men for the most part and I don't mean ones that I'd like to be romantic with.

Dating is a foreign subject for me. You'd think that I've dated before since I've been married 2x but honestly I have never even experienced it. never asked a woman out, never actually just gone on a date not a single time. Weird huh?

Does not compute.

How in the world did you end up married if you've never asked a woman out? Did you just...end up at church (or the Justice of the Peace) one day and decide to be married? Tee-hee. No really, though, I'm curious.

Oh God can I can relate to this. A belief that humanity is going down the toilet is so pervasive and is making me more and more lonely.

Good luck cheekychops
Fluey x