I know many people have experienced much worse then myself, but lately I keep asking myself how much can I handle...

I cant think of many positives from my childhood, I tend to try to block it out. I was diagnosed with multiple disabilities at 6 years old. I grew up in a abusive house. My dad, on drugs was abusive and very volatile. My mom did little to stop this, as she was dealing with her own problems, including alcoholism.

One of my biggest problems, high functioning autism, led to me being harshly mistreated in school, by my peers and by many uncaring teachers. In high school, I was getting into fights, had no friends and was very depressed. After graduating, I had to transition to the working world. I had little support and was left to sink or swim. Unfortunately years of depression led me to sink, and at my lowest, I attempted suicide several times.

Somehow I slowly pulled myself out of that hole. I slowly found my talents, built some confidence, and was on top for the first time in my life. I had many ups and downs over the years, many short relapses into depression, but got to the point of enjoying life.

I made it to a point of feeling extremely strong, physically and mentally. Then one day (almost two years ago) I ended up in the hospital with serious health problems. Talks of heart problems and needing a pacemaker. I didnt know how to handle that, it was numbing. Many months and many tests later it was decided I didnt need a pacemaker, and with some medication I could return to functional again. I was feeling great again, medication was working great, and while I still had problems, I felt like I really dodged anything serious. I could live with it, not that big of a deal.

Beginning of July, I ended up in the emergency room. Thinking they would just run a few tests, and that I would be fine, I will never forget the nurse coming into my room to tell me that I was seriously ill and that I was going to be admitted to the ICU. My time in the ICU was surreal, they kept me highly medicated and comfortable. Days later, my vitals were under control and I was released from the hospital.

During my stay in the ICU, I kept feeling like I was not being told the whole story of what was happening. I later figured out that was the case. No one wants to give a young guy bad news, especially if they are not totally sure. I have had many tests, many doctors visits, but not many answers. One day a nurse called to give me test results, and she slipped up, thinking I already knew previous results. A phone call that made me realize I am facing life threatening problems.

Ultimately we are not totally sure what all is happening. Parts of my body are shutting down, things are progressively getting worse. I am facing the likelihood of some major surgeries to try to get things working again. I am hoping that somehow I dodge this one, that I can make a full recovery. I am in so much pain and feel in such bad shape, I am questioning how much can a body take over a lifetime, how much can I handle.