My lifetime of struggles

I know many people have experienced much worse then myself, but lately I keep asking myself how much can I handle...

I cant think of many positives from my childhood, I tend to try to block it out. I was diagnosed with multiple disabilities at 6 years old. I grew up in a abusive house. My dad, on drugs was abusive and very volatile. My mom did little to stop this, as she was dealing with her own problems, including alcoholism.

One of my biggest problems, high functioning autism, led to me being harshly mistreated in school, by my peers and by many uncaring teachers. In high school, I was getting into fights, had no friends and was very depressed. After graduating, I had to transition to the working world. I had little support and was left to sink or swim. Unfortunately years of depression led me to sink, and at my lowest, I attempted suicide several times.

Somehow I slowly pulled myself out of that hole. I slowly found my talents, built some confidence, and was on top for the first time in my life. I had many ups and downs over the years, many short relapses into depression, but got to the point of enjoying life.

I made it to a point of feeling extremely strong, physically and mentally. Then one day (almost two years ago) I ended up in the hospital with serious health problems. Talks of heart problems and needing a pacemaker. I didnt know how to handle that, it was numbing. Many months and many tests later it was decided I didnt need a pacemaker, and with some medication I could return to functional again. I was feeling great again, medication was working great, and while I still had problems, I felt like I really dodged anything serious. I could live with it, not that big of a deal.

Beginning of July, I ended up in the emergency room. Thinking they would just run a few tests, and that I would be fine, I will never forget the nurse coming into my room to tell me that I was seriously ill and that I was going to be admitted to the ICU. My time in the ICU was surreal, they kept me highly medicated and comfortable. Days later, my vitals were under control and I was released from the hospital.

During my stay in the ICU, I kept feeling like I was not being told the whole story of what was happening. I later figured out that was the case. No one wants to give a young guy bad news, especially if they are not totally sure. I have had many tests, many doctors visits, but not many answers. One day a nurse called to give me test results, and she slipped up, thinking I already knew previous results. A phone call that made me realize I am facing life threatening problems.

Ultimately we are not totally sure what all is happening. Parts of my body are shutting down, things are progressively getting worse. I am facing the likelihood of some major surgeries to try to get things working again. I am hoping that somehow I dodge this one, that I can make a full recovery. I am in so much pain and feel in such bad shape, I am questioning how much can a body take over a lifetime, how much can I handle.

Hi there and Wow wee, that's sure a lorra lorra stuff going on and has gone on. However it does sound as though you are being looked after well by your medical team. You've been a member for quite some time I think so you'll already know there's lots of places here where folk can identify with you, or at least some of your problems. It's good you were able to write all of these issues down, even though it does seem a great deal. You must be strong to have got this far and I just wanna wish you well, do stay with PC and your friends 'cos I'm sure they are all here for you. HUGS. x

Do not be scared. We cannot control the future in any way.
If you let anxiety dominate you, it's going to be much more complicated.

You want to live and this is a good thing, a very good thing. A lot of people don't know what to do with their lives.
So stick to your will and to positive thoughts. Just as you found ways to get out of your black hole when you were younger and with less opportunities, you will find your way now.

Don't panic, stay concentrated on the good you built and the good you want in your life.

You already learned and practiced the biggest lesson in life: that you can turn bad into good.

No panic, no anxiety. Watch yourself in the mirror and smile. Remember yourself of everything you have done up to now. You've done miracles once, you can do miracles twice.
Please stay positive. Fight bad feelings and thoughts with all your might.

Hang in there. There is still hope that they can get everything turned around again. Just keep the faith.
Gayle

RoadracerWelcome!!I hope you can continue to be positive, it sounds like you got through all of that with your positive attitude so far and congradulations for you on that!!I will pray for you!

Thanks everyone

I have been getting threw the day emotionally okay, but as soon as night hits and I am sitting alone, my mind wonders, I get very depressed and have many negative thoughts.

For way to long I have needed to get help for anxiety and mental health issues, but have yet to be able to ask for help. I am sure being depressed is not helping healing.

You touch my heart and thank you for sharing your story. I grew up in a very violent alcoholic home so i know you had to grow up fast. I have suffered a lot in my life but i truely beleive we suffer to prepare us for something great we can't yet see. Maybe you have suffered to be an inspiration to others because you sure are to me. My nephew is autistic and so from what we have learned health issues are common more
He is seven and it seems he's in and out of the hospital a lot
And no it doesn't seem fair but he is such an inspiration. He followed me everywhere when my husband died died and one day i was at my worst and he looked at me out of no where and said Aunt G your a butterfly you gotta move on you gotta have a dream. Truely touched my heart and pulled me from a bad place. There's something big meant for you so never give up. Try to find something you enjoy to occupy your mind at night. Example i love to paint. I'm not good at it but it still relaxes me. Maybe you could write a book I for one think your life story is worth telling
what are your favorite things to do?

I will give you a hug and hope you do get better. I am amazed at how strong of a person you are a lot of people would have given up along time ago trust me as a fellow person with a horrible life.