It seems you have a sense of impending doom that has you feeing desperate and hopeless. I am sorry that you are struggling so much. I was once in your shoes. Life was void of any hope whatsoever, but I held on for some reason. then the day finally came, the right antidepressant and therapist and it was like that magic wand I had been looking for all those years finally materialized. so there is hope poppy. don't give up. work with a pdoc and stick with it till you find your miracle too.