I did it. Despite how hard and pointless it seemed, I forced myself out of bed. I did my make up, I cleaned a little since I had no homework, and I even watched the Bucs lose to the Jets. I know that sounds like easy enough, but here lately, it's anything but. I feel disgusted with myself and whenever I am around other people I feel like I know they are thinking the same thing. Plus my mind races faster than I can talk so I sometimes sound ridiculous or can't keep track of my thoughts. It's embarrassing. I also feel like the ones closest to me could care less about what I think or say, so why waste my time talking to anyone? yeah I know; I am beginning to withdraw myself from people, but if they aren't making me feel worthless, dragging up my disorder, or pissing me off, then they aren't home.

Lately to keep myself from going into an even deeper downward spiral, I have started making a daily to do list. It works alright for insuring my homework gets done but anything else just seems to get deleted. The things that seemed important enough to keep me up for hours the night before, seem insignificant and unimportant the next day. Sometimes it's almost discouraging .

I have tried setting goals as well but I just can't seem to keep up with them. I really wish I could get help for all of this, but all of my options have denied me thus far. I am going to try and start reapplying tomorrow I suppose (although the darker part of me can't help but wonder 'what's the point?'). I am still optimistic about this forum though, and hopefully once I am able, some of the chats on here. Everyone else around me either doesn't understand BPD, or would rather use it against me, so hopefully, by chatting with others who understand, maybe I can pull myself out of the start of this depression.