What goes up must come down (random?)

I did it. Despite how hard and pointless it seemed, I forced myself out of bed. I did my make up, I cleaned a little since I had no homework, and I even watched the Bucs lose to the Jets. I know that sounds like easy enough, but here lately, it's anything but. I feel disgusted with myself and whenever I am around other people I feel like I know they are thinking the same thing. Plus my mind races faster than I can talk so I sometimes sound ridiculous or can't keep track of my thoughts. It's embarrassing. I also feel like the ones closest to me could care less about what I think or say, so why waste my time talking to anyone? yeah I know; I am beginning to withdraw myself from people, but if they aren't making me feel worthless, dragging up my disorder, or pissing me off, then they aren't home.

Lately to keep myself from going into an even deeper downward spiral, I have started making a daily to do list. It works alright for insuring my homework gets done but anything else just seems to get deleted. The things that seemed important enough to keep me up for hours the night before, seem insignificant and unimportant the next day. Sometimes it's almost discouraging .

I have tried setting goals as well but I just can't seem to keep up with them. I really wish I could get help for all of this, but all of my options have denied me thus far. I am going to try and start reapplying tomorrow I suppose (although the darker part of me can't help but wonder 'what's the point?'). I am still optimistic about this forum though, and hopefully once I am able, some of the chats on here. Everyone else around me either doesn't understand BPD, or would rather use it against me, so hopefully, by chatting with others who understand, maybe I can pull myself out of the start of this depression.

Well done for getting out of bed, getting up and doing things. It sounds like you are really trying to not let this beat you. Give yourself some credit for that. Its not an easy feat.

Do you have a T or pdoc to help you with some coping techniques and if required meds adjustment?

Its really hard when you are down, even when people suggest things they can seem impossible. One thing that has really helped me is to get outside every day. Get some sunshine for a little while. Even in the lowest of lows this helps clear my head a little so I can then keep on fighting. I am super lucky I live in a place with a lot of sunshine but Im sure if you just sat outside for a morning tea or coffee that would be just as beneficial.

Keep posting, there are a lot of people that can relate to you here

You did a lot today, I know the effort you spent in doing so, . Be gentle with yourself, tell yourself things in the same way you would if you were talking to your friend who was feeling the way you are now. Are you under a dr's care? If so, give a call in the morning and see if you can be worked into the schedule? If not, you mentioned homework, is there the school clinic you can go to for help? I know how hard it is when you feel down, I want to say I am proud of the efforts you are making to fight back.

Hi & welcome. I hate the teetering feeling between hypo/mania & depression. Wondering if it's going to stable mode or mixed or the depression pit.
I make lists too, never ending they seem. Lately I don't give a hoot if it gets done or not - that's not good, cuz I put it on a list for a reason. Ughh. Hang in there. Don't go into depression if u can stop it!

I make lists on my android smart phone. I use the calendar app, and I have another app called colornote for grocery lists, things to do, stuff to remember, etc. Without these lists I'd be lost.
I have a password on my phone, and I also password the important things in colornote, like my lists of things to tell my pdoc, my doc, my meds, etc.
With colornote you can make check lists and check things off as they get done. Checking something off is a pretty good feeling. Even if you can't get it all done, you did get something done.
My memory is getting really bad, and I think it's because my mind races, and there's too much to think about.
And I lose pieces of paper. I write a phone number or directions or something down, and then a week later when I need it, the paper is gone, just gone. I live alone so I don't know where I could have put the paper. ???

I forgot to say that if you get out of bed and get one thing accomplished, even just a shower, it's better than staying in bed all day.
You did accomplish something. It's one step in the right direction.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, is my motto.

No, I do not see a doctor and I tried the school clinic, and I just didn't like anyone there. But thanks =] Today was a bit better, I had school work to keep me busy, and despite a few snags, I just sat outside and said 'hey look, the grass is pretty green on this side', for every negative thought. Every little bit counts right =]

Oh, an thanks of course everyone for the kind words

I'm glad today was a better day (((big ol' hugs)))