That's exactly how I feel! If I feel forced into it, I'm not going to want to do it at all. The problem is, I'm not sure how I'll ever be in a situation where I don't feel forced into it...at least without the other person waiting too long.

I have no idea how long it would take being in a relationship before I would feel safe enough that it would actually feel mutual to me. I don't know if anyone I potentially date would understand...as it extends to kissing/cuddling etc. It's not that I don't want to do it, I just don't want it to lead to something more before I'm ready and I know I won't be able to stop it. Would someone understand that they won't even be allowed close to me or alone with me until I can trust that they'll respect my boundaries and not go any farther than kissing/cuddling etc.? I mean, it's common for people to kiss on the first date...it's expected to get physical really fast. I suppose I wouldn't be so afraid if I could defend myself or if I could trust that someone would listen to me and consider my feelings too.

When I grew up, I was exposed to the attitude of a woman does what the guy says if she knows what's good for her (and since she's a woman, she doesn't know what's good for her, so she has to do as she's told). Case closed.

I honestly have trouble trusting that someone physically stronger than me and who is capable of hurting me, would willing choose not to hurt me. Unless he's terrified of me and I tried intimidation for a long time when dealing with male classmates in college—obviously not healthy, but I really don't know how to trust that someone won't hurt me, especially if they see as weak.