Quote:
Originally Posted by Edda
I would happily watch my father being hit by a train. I would not look away. If it was legal I would push him myself.
I guess it's safe to say that I hate him.
Once I got really close to killing the ****er when I was a kid.
Since it's beyond triggering (for me) I shall not go into details about why. Suffice to say, I do not have one single good memory from my childhood and young adulthood - while I was forced to live under his roof and under his rule - and he left me annihilated and internally disfigured, unable to lead a happy and sustainably successful life or form and maintain a healthy relationship.
Since I cannot legally revenge the obliteration of the once innocent "me", my only hope is some "magical" justice; karma, "what goes around, comes around" or whatever. In other words, I hope he rots in hell.
Yes, such hatred does make me a bad person.
Tough.
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Wow, that is exactly how I feel. Some people project this hate towards them selves which I find totally mind boggling. I prefer to direct it where it is best suited, on those I hate. The same with self harm. Some people prefer to direct harm towards themselves, I prefer to direct harm on others. Some people feel suicidal. I admit I have too on rare occasions, but usually I feel more homicidal then suicidal. I differ greatly from conventional borderline people. As a male I have more narcissist and antisocial tendencies in me. Rather then using desperation, I use manipulation. I am not needy or clingy at all. But I do host the core portion of abandonment which I am simply better at hiding. I have always held high demanding high technical full time jobs, often in leadership positions. I am 110% fully functional. No one I work with would ever guess I have any personality disorders. At worse they may just say I can be a jerk some times. I part paths with conventional borderline people on a number of points. But unfortunately it is the most dominant personality disorder I have, next closest would be narcissist. I am what the book, "
Walking on Eggshells" refers to as a high functioning borderline. Good book bte for NONs.
I can't forgive or forget what my mother dragged me thru. I have one step brother, same mother different fathers. I don't really care too much for him because I see a lot of his a-hole father in him, though it does not reach a level of hate, just dislike because it's not his fault his father is a a-hole. I don't know how to resolve my issues with hate and anger. I'm not even sure I want to. I been to therapy several times in the past. Each time convinced therapists are morons and a scam artisits on the line of psychics. A total waste of my time and money. I would get the same level of help from a fortunate teller lol. Any way that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I felt talking about it may help me a little because I confide in no one in real life. Because I trust no one. People use information against each other every day.
Any way Edda, thanks for replying. I was beginning to feel like an alien here
