Quote:
Originally Posted by IndieVisible
Wow, that is exactly how I feel. Some people project this hate towards them selves which I find totally mind boggling. I prefer to direct it where it is best suited, on those I hate. The same with self harm. Some people prefer to direct harm towards themselves, I prefer to direct harm on others. Some people feel suicidal. I admit I have too on rare occasions, but usually I feel more homicidal then suicidal. I differ greatly from conventional borderline people. As a male I have more narcissist and antisocial tendencies in me. Rather then using desperation, I use manipulation. I am not needy or clingy at all. But I do host the core portion of abandonment which I am simply better at hiding. I have always held high demanding high technical full time jobs, often in leadership positions. I am 110% fully functional. No one I work with would ever guess I have any personality disorders. At worse they may just say I can be a jerk some times. I part paths with conventional borderline people on a number of points. But unfortunately it is the most dominant personality disorder I have, next closest would be narcissist. I am what the book, " Walking on Eggshells" refers to as a high functioning borderline. Good book bte for NONs.
I can't forgive or forget what my mother dragged me thru. I have one step brother, same mother different fathers. I don't really care too much for him because I see a lot of his a-hole father in him, though it does not reach a level of hate, just dislike because it's not his fault his father is a a-hole. I don't know how to resolve my issues with hate and anger. I'm not even sure I want to. I been to therapy several times in the past. Each time convinced therapists are morons and a scam artisits on the line of psychics. A total waste of my time and money. I would get the same level of help from a fortunate teller lol. Any way that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I felt talking about it may help me a little because I confide in no one in real life. Because I trust no one. People use information against each other every day.
Any way Edda, thanks for replying. I was beginning to feel like an alien here  |
I can relate to this post very much, especially the part about nobody realizing anything is wrong with you. This is common with personality disorders, because we are ruled by a "false" self; the person who we want others to believe we are; only our families know our "true" self. I never had much luck with therapists until this recent one. But its also turning into a game of me outsmarting the therapist, my "false self" has taken over my therapy sessions and I'm too proud to admit of how hollow I really feel inside. You should probably ask for a personality evaluation from your psychiatrist IndieVisible. Do not take offense to this but I wouldn't be surprised if you had NPD. Narcissists hate therapists, you will relate very much if you
a rare case of NPD who knows he has the disorder. Most people with the disorder are unaware of their narcissism until they receive a diagnosis. BPD and NPD are created in similar circumstances, therefore there is a lot of overlap in the two diagnosis. I relate to a lot of what he says in his videos, but portions of it seem so alien to me. Like he learned skills I never picked up on growing up, things that he explains in other videos are that narcissists are unstable/insecure like borderlines. He describes the life of a narcissist to be similar to a rollercoaster. He also said in another one of his videos that you cannot get much out of therapy, all they can do (at best) is take away some roughness from around the edges.
