I am happy you can find that solace with your husband - even if it is temporary - it's still something important in your life and obviously you're aware of it's importance. Power to you if you can have a healthy balance in knowing your husband is there - but knowing that you do not need him at all times. Pat yourself on the back for recognizing this in yourself - because from the sounds of it - you've done very well to manage your emotional and physical connection with your husband, while still maintaining healthy boundaries in the relationship!

My biggest hope is that someday: I can find a way to feel whole - without the need of someone else. (When I get close to someone - I get too close for comfort - invade boundaries - then end up alone)

I know from personal experience, that if and when I get that physical / emotional need met - it has always been while in close proximity to another person. The problem for me (And I'm assuming alot of BPDer's) - is that: the moment I find myself requiring another person to get that physical and emotional need met = I'm sent into upheaval and my world is thrown upside down when that person is not around.

Knowing that one should set oneself up for success - it's easy to see the answer to my BPD...

In all honesty - my wise mind says: I know it is probably best if I am alone for the rest of my life. But my emotional side says: no - I can't possibly be alone... The crux of that proposition is: My worst fear IS quite literally - to be alone... Yet - I know that my life will be better (despite the pain of loneliness and emptiness) if I am forever alone... Therefore, my own personal life will only ever get better if I can live out my worst fear to the utmost extent...

((THIS IS MY OWN PERSONAL DISCOVERY - IT IS NOT A REFLECTION OF ALL AFFLICTED WITH BPD - AND IT IS NOT ABSOLUTE. THERE IS HOPE FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP))

It's sad that sometimes, coming to accept something about oneself requires the use of such black and white terms - given that with BPD - black and white thinking should be avoided and confronted from within. However, I do realize that everyone is their own being - everyone has their own individual needs, wants and desires - and everyone has a wide range of intensity behind these needs, wants and desires. In saying this, I have come to the conclusion that, "I," need to be alone... Whether this is the sign of a healthy BPD mind - or an unhealthy one - it is yet to stand the test of time.

BUT - I DO know that it IS possible - that someone I meet - could potentially handle my insecurities - accept the rapidly changing boundaries that are em placed - and manage a relatively healthy relationship with me.

In saying this - I have learned skills that can sometimes - help me to provide similar feelings of emotional and physical connection that other people can and do fulfill. I try to self soothe everyday. Some days I can, some days I can't.

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz