Physical affection?

Hey guys, I'm just wondering if this is something BPD-related or just my own personality, because this is something that I've felt my whole life and I never really thought about the possible connection until now.

Do you guys who suffer from BPD also feel a strong need for physical affection? And I'm not talking about anything sexual, but rather just the need to be touched in a loving way, whether it be hugging or cuddling or anything like that. The reason I ask is because I mean, it's something that just drives me nuts but it happens so often that sometimes I don't even really notice it.

Is this just my own personality or is this a thing amongst the BPD sufferers? I mean, I don't even understand why this is.

Lmats, I can definitely relate to that strong feeling of needing touch. And I know what you mean. It's not really a sexual need. It's a need to feel squeezed and wanted..needed..claimed...accepted and affirmed for that matter. It seriously hurts to not have someone hold me. I can say alot about this - I'm 10 weeks post breakup. But I won't hijack your thread..haha.

But I just want to say that yes, I have this too. I have a hard time not experiencing rejection in the presence of people who don't touch much. For what it helps, I will say that for me, what it is seems to be this need for physical proof of something along the lines of affirming that I am in fact loved, wanted, desired, etc., and, vice versa.

Thanks for posting this, Lmats

My husband has BPD and has a HUGE need for physical affection, and like you said, not necessarily sexual. It is almost insatiable at times and it seems as if no amount of demonstrative affection truly "fills" that need, probably because it really isn't about the physical touch -- there are bigger issues at hand.

As someone on the receiving end of this need, I can say that it can be overwhelming to have that kind of "demand" and expectation on me all the time. I mean, sometimes I just need my own "bubble", and the effect is that I tend to cringe at the need after awhile rather than want to respond, so his fears of not getting enough affection backfire on him and become a self-fulfilling prophecy unfortunately.

Definitely. I think it's reassurance that someone is there?

Phew, I'm glad I'm not the only one! There's always so much comfort in knowing that other people know what you're experiencing.

I was once diagnosed as bpd but told recently that I don't fit the criteria. However, I really really relate to this. I'm going through it now--can't stop pining for hugs, touch, a hand on the shoulder anything

I can relate to that. Don't know what it is. I just feels good to be held and loved.

Me too. When I sleep next to someone whether it be my bf or even my daughter, I need to feel them close to me. My daughter lets me hold her hand, because she gets warm easily so doesn't like to be cuddled for prolonged periods of time. Idk why it is, maybe I like feeling connected? Idk but I definitely do have a strong need for touch, with me its specifically skin though, like when he holds me I will lift my shirt slightly so that bf's hand touches the skin on my stomach as opposed to resting on my clothing. I also do the same if my arms are around him, I place my hand on his skin, arms or abs it doesn't really matter. I just want to actually feel him there... I've never really given it much thought before now though.

hmmm. Maybe that is why I tend to be a bit of a "huggy" type person.

I'm kind of the opposite tbh. Physical affection isn't something I crave, and if i do then it has to be on my terms! If I do want a hug and I don't get one though I get pretty pissed off.

Quite honestly I think this is a personal thing and unique with every individual. TBH I am very hands off and although at appropriated times It's nice to have physical affection its not something that I require very often. I am very much a person with the traits of BPD but I don't think that the physical thing is related to the disorder at all.

I don't really crave physical affection... maybe I've grown accustomed to not living with another adult/companion for 10 years. Cyber hugs are great! And I hug my kids anytime I can!

Ideally, if I have a cuddly partner someday, I think I would like that.

I do crave physical affection sometimes, but as secretwhisper posted on my own terms. When I'm in a relationship with some than you best believe I'm a touchy kind of person some girls love it, some girls hate it. It might just be part of your personality, my theory is that it has to do with a lack of affection and bonding in childhood.

I'm very touch centric too, but the sex part always gets in the way. I want to snuggle, be told I'm loved and kissed but I have to high of a sex drive to keep it there. My abandonment issues cause sex and love to get all jumbled and confused. Before I was married I would "fall in love with" any woman I slept with.

For the most part yes. There are other times when I do not want to be touched at all. I am lucky that both my husband and son like to cuddle. I will be said when my son stops wanting cuddles, he is 8 so I suspect sometime soon.

Technigal

I am the same way, very hug-centric. I wonder if this might tie into the fear of abandonment? Maybe the physical contact could be reassuring in some way that this particular person isn't leaving? idk, just thinking.

I LOVE affection! I love hugs especially

I think you're right luvmydog the physical contact proves they're there and haven't left.

Good question.

Honestly - yes.

I have only had one girlfriend (For reasons that have to do with BPD = lol).

In my (limited physical) relationship experience - the best feeling I've ever experienced was while in close proximity to her. I felt safe, nurtured - accepted - loved.

That whole bit about not being able to fill the void inside - well that kinda went out the window when I was in physical contact of any kind with my girlfriend.

I truly felt at ease about everything while holding hands, or cuddling under a blanket with her. It was an amazing experience. I know for me that I could easily misinterpret these feelings with something that it is not - which is that it CAN fill my void. Nothing could possibly fill the void inside - but to answer your question - physical contact with my girlfriend (in ANY way) was the closest thing I've ever experienced to feeling whole.

Makes me sad

I feel the same way with my husband. I love holding hands with my husband, it makes me feel grounded. At the hospital I had 3 doctors, an OT, numerous other patients and a security guard all comment on us holding hands.

I truly hope you get to feel those feelings again.

I am happy you can find that solace with your husband - even if it is temporary - it's still something important in your life and obviously you're aware of it's importance. Power to you if you can have a healthy balance in knowing your husband is there - but knowing that you do not need him at all times. Pat yourself on the back for recognizing this in yourself - because from the sounds of it - you've done very well to manage your emotional and physical connection with your husband, while still maintaining healthy boundaries in the relationship!

My biggest hope is that someday: I can find a way to feel whole - without the need of someone else. (When I get close to someone - I get too close for comfort - invade boundaries - then end up alone)

I know from personal experience, that if and when I get that physical / emotional need met - it has always been while in close proximity to another person. The problem for me (And I'm assuming alot of BPDer's) - is that: the moment I find myself requiring another person to get that physical and emotional need met = I'm sent into upheaval and my world is thrown upside down when that person is not around.

Knowing that one should set oneself up for success - it's easy to see the answer to my BPD...

In all honesty - my wise mind says: I know it is probably best if I am alone for the rest of my life. But my emotional side says: no - I can't possibly be alone... The crux of that proposition is: My worst fear IS quite literally - to be alone... Yet - I know that my life will be better (despite the pain of loneliness and emptiness) if I am forever alone... Therefore, my own personal life will only ever get better if I can live out my worst fear to the utmost extent...

((THIS IS MY OWN PERSONAL DISCOVERY - IT IS NOT A REFLECTION OF ALL AFFLICTED WITH BPD - AND IT IS NOT ABSOLUTE. THERE IS HOPE FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP))

It's sad that sometimes, coming to accept something about oneself requires the use of such black and white terms - given that with BPD - black and white thinking should be avoided and confronted from within. However, I do realize that everyone is their own being - everyone has their own individual needs, wants and desires - and everyone has a wide range of intensity behind these needs, wants and desires. In saying this, I have come to the conclusion that, "I," need to be alone... Whether this is the sign of a healthy BPD mind - or an unhealthy one - it is yet to stand the test of time.

BUT - I DO know that it IS possible - that someone I meet - could potentially handle my insecurities - accept the rapidly changing boundaries that are em placed - and manage a relatively healthy relationship with me.

In saying this - I have learned skills that can sometimes - help me to provide similar feelings of emotional and physical connection that other people can and do fulfill. I try to self soothe everyday. Some days I can, some days I can't.

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz

"and haven't left"............. Those words really hit home.

I have been diagnosed as BPD and I wonder if terribly low self-esteem is common with my fellow-BPDers.?.?.?

Thanks everyone! I completely and utterly relate to all of that! Fortunately, my husband also naturally enjoys giving and receiving touch and affection now and then, and has managed beautifully to take on board my need for skin touch even through the night ... Now if he could just take on board my need for verbal affirmation now and then ...?!!

Useless me I was once told by a T I had the worst self esteem they'd ever seen in their 30+ year career… wasn't sure what to make of it then, or now really :/

For sure I know exactly what you mean ,,I crave it ,, even the slightest touch,, my partner is not the touchy kind maybe once twice a week but I usually have to ask that makes it even worse, like I am forcing him YUK I turn it into he doesnt love me or he doesnt like me for some reason, terriable cycle I put myself in BUT I have 2 dogs that love me no matter how bad I look in the morning!!