I guess I always thought that there was a magic formula - if I could just find it - my depression, my ED, my anxiety would vanish as if in thin air. That for the first time in my life I would be "like every one else". I wouldn't have the "taint" of sexual and physical abuse that has made me so different - without me even realizing that I am different.
That I could go from being totally "unlovable" to "loveable".
That the people closest to me would ask and how do you feel - do you need something. Instead of me being their support beam.

There has a come a time in my life, now, that I know that is never, ever going to happen.

I will forever wonder "why" it is that way. What do I lack in my "makeup" that forgoes that ever happenning. I've spent the last few days binging and passing out, binging and passing out.

And, no I haven't driven, I wouldn't dream of hurting another soul.

There isn't anything that anyone could say that would make a differenence, I think those times are the scarest. I can wish and want with all my heart - it just isn't going to go away.