there is no magic formula - my ED has defeated me

I guess I always thought that there was a magic formula - if I could just find it - my depression, my ED, my anxiety would vanish as if in thin air. That for the first time in my life I would be "like every one else". I wouldn't have the "taint" of sexual and physical abuse that has made me so different - without me even realizing that I am different.
That I could go from being totally "unlovable" to "loveable".
That the people closest to me would ask and how do you feel - do you need something. Instead of me being their support beam.

There has a come a time in my life, now, that I know that is never, ever going to happen.

I will forever wonder "why" it is that way. What do I lack in my "makeup" that forgoes that ever happenning. I've spent the last few days binging and passing out, binging and passing out.

And, no I haven't driven, I wouldn't dream of hurting another soul.

There isn't anything that anyone could say that would make a differenence, I think those times are the scarest. I can wish and want with all my heart - it just isn't going to go away.

Freewill, I understand. It is not too late. I am often feeling fatally trapped by "E.D." Do you know (of course you do) how stinking disgusted I feel when it's at the worst levels? (You do of course.)

It feels like I'm trapped in a hellish body, and is excrusiating physically, and mentally. But (here's the ringer girlfriend!) NOT SPIRITUALLY!!!!!! After meditating (considerably and "EXTREMELY" (with emphisis) I have gotten myself out of the "FEELINGS LOOP WHILE RIGHT SMACK DAB IN THE CENTER OF THE WORST E.D. EPISODE"

I actually did something that actually totally began working BIG TIME anyway for me. May I share? I got a big fluffy teddy bear (not too big but big enough) and placed it between my solor-plexis and pelvis, (my digestive tract) and crushed down over top of it. I lay on it to decompress two things: 1) my jangled nerves and soul sickness 2) to take pain out of my gut, especially the uppermost area near my solorplexes. (That particular part, feeling meaty causes the MOST physical distress and triggers THE greatest mind torment EVER-Call it Hell and I am being nice. ) So anyway, laying on the pillow thing takes feeling out of that whole area. (It allows me to go on TOTAL vacation from E.D.)

Another thing, my stomach muscles are weak ones. (I have memories from very young years of this evidence) I have TONS AND TONS OF PAIN JUST FROM EATING ANY THING AT ALL (I think that the expanding of the tissue in my obdemin muscles is more painful than most.) Anyway I finally remembered it and went to a medical supply store and bought a stomach brace. I put it on ALOT-Just about every two days and all (an have to put it where I can find it when I feel better (not bloating and sore) so I can run for it the next time I am in a HUGE FIX BECAUSE OF THE MUSCLE PAIN IN MY STOMACH MUSCLES, which comes so much, I have been in Hell.

I am still billemic as ever but working and chipping away day by day and hearing from you and others on the E.D. board is great. I.M. me whenever.

(((((((((safehugs))))))))))) if you would like them freewill. please hang in there. things can get better eventually. please talk to your T if you have one.
be gentle with yourself as you can,
biiv

you're right in saying there is no magic formula - i think that too many ppl make the mistake of expecting to be saved. I used to believe in magic formulas too . I used to fantasize about them as some righteous consequence of all my suffering, that there was some glorious world all on the other side of this where I would finally be freed of all my pain. And once this happened I would be all better and everything that happened before would be gone. Just like that.

The good news tho, is i still got better, it just didn't happen in the way i expected. That one glorious moment of enlightenment where the rain clouds opened up to let all the sunshine in and I suddenly understood never came. Yes, I got better, but it did not happen in the way I expected. I was anticipating a miracle cure. But there was no fairy who waved her magic wand and transformed my life, no knight in shining armour who came galloping in and saved me. Instead, like depression and anorexia, being well just gradually snuck up on me. What happened was for a number of years I kept on swimming back and forth between the river that separates sick and well, unable to decide which one to stick with. Eventually I made a conscious decision to get well and tried my best to stick with this decision. It was not easy – often I’d feel like I made one step forwards and two steps backwards. but i got there and u can too. hang in there, the ED has not defeated u, you're still here aren't you?

Z......that has to be the most inspirational reply i've read here in a long time...and it applies
to all of us, not just ED's.
It's a no-nonsense reality check but with a good dose of hope.
Thanks... i hope people read into it and get some inspiration.

hanging in there without great big expectations. Just learning to breathe and breathe more

It takes time. There's no magic formula for anything, it all has to be lived/worked at. Sometimes after it's over, after a zillion years, it only seems like there was a magic formula but there certainl isn't while we're working on something and living through it!