It sounds like you are going through a lot, and the types of things you are describing are definitely SI. I don't think anyone enjoys SI, it is a coping mechanism. Not a good one, but one all the same. It sounds like you might have some things to work through. I think it would be a good idea to talk to someone you trust and they can help you find the proper help. Even if you don't think you are worth it, you are. No one is worth less than other people. You posted your story on here, to me, that shows that you want help. We are here for you and are here to listen.