Thanks again for all your replies. My T asked why I'm friends with her, and I couldn't actually think of an answer. I'm not sure I've got that much from the friendship for a while now, but I kind of feel obliged to continue it because I don't want to hurt her. My T and I figured out that, while she's being thoughtless, it's not just about what she's saying - because I have other friends who could make the same complaints and it wouldn't bother me so much, because with them there's more give and take. She's bothering me because she's being thoughtless
and she isn't there for me.
My T said I could approach this as an opportunity. I could see it as a chance to practise kind of renegotiating boundaries and stuff. I kind of told him where he could shove it, because I'm not sure I have the energy and I feel like it takes two people to make an unhealthy situation and two people to change it - is anything going to change if I'm the only one trying?
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Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl
I don't know what country she is in, but if there are any parenting groups, mother social groups, play groups, etc... I would strongly encourage her to head in that direction.
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I've asked if she has got to know other parents etc and she seems quite resistant to any advice. She just wants to vent. That's totally fine, just she picked the wrong person to do it to.
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Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl
Have you thought about video calls/skyping?
ETA:
ALSO- you are not being horrible at all.
I think it's difficult to remember that other people don't see how we struggle through the world when we have things like constant fatigue or anxiety or ptsd... especially if we "present well". [I have the impression that your friend thinks this
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Video calls freak me out even more
but thanks for suggesting it all the same.
I think you're right about presenting well. The thing is it's like she wants to believe I present well and refuses to see beyond that. Not that she realises that's what she's doing.
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Originally Posted by FrayedEnds
I promise I'm not trying to be negative...but are you sure she doesn't realise that she's hurting you? It's just hard for me to imagine constantly complaining to someone who I KNOW suffers from a sleep disorder about being tired.
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I don't think you're being negative. It's a good question - thank you for asking. Am I sure? I think so, because she tries to be a caring person and I don't think she would deliberately or knowingly hurt me. I think she just doesn't GET the sleep disorder. Some people don't, however much you explain it to them.
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Originally Posted by EmilysZoo
I'm not trying to say one type of fatigue is worse than another, because that is completely unfair--sort of like comparing levels of mental illness. But maybe your friend (either due to extreme fatigue or hormones) is incapable of thinking clearly or thinking about anyone's needs but her own. Because of this, I think it's important for you to think about your needs. Certainly you don't want to dismiss your friend, but she may not be able to be a friend to you right now.
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This is very insightful, thank you. I appreciated your other advice as well.
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Originally Posted by A Red Panda
When she says how tired she is and that you can't imagine.. I'd probably respond with something like "Yes, actually I do understand... I am so tired all of the time that it is precisely WHY I don't have a child yet...because I am already too tired all of the time. I guess you understand how I feel pretty much everyday now!"
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This is a really tactful way of putting it, thank you.
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Originally Posted by A Red Panda
I hope she'll come around sooner or later. And that her baby still start sleeping longer stints so that she'll feel less tired and less likely to need to vent about it. When did you mention the PTSD to her? Was it before she as pregnant, during pregnancy, or after having a baby?
If she doesn't really understand PTSD, and you disclosed while she was going through one of the biggest changes in her life... then she quite probably hasn't registered it, or processed it. I don't think she's ignoring that about you on purpose.
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It was after having the baby, when she was about five months old.
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Originally Posted by A Red Panda
With that said - I would be feeling really upset too. In fact, I actually totally get it. I spent two years living overseas... and during that time my friend became pregnant - which she didn't tell me about because she figured that everyone was finding out via word of mouth. I was like "... how could I know? We don' have mutual friends and I live across an ocean." I was really hurt as we've been friends since I was 9 (officially 20 years as of this year! so that that point we'd been friends for like... 16 years..). This is my 5th year since I left to go to the UK... and you know what? She's never once asked how it was for me there. She never asked anything about me during the two years I lived there, and even since returning and seeing her a few times? She has never, not once, inquired about my life. I've sort of given up and that hurts me a lot. So.... I understand the hurt that you're feeling.
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I'm really sorry you can relate. That sounds tough - I totally get why you found that hurtful.
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Originally Posted by roseleigh7
Could she be struggling with depression and not really realize how she sounds? Or is this a pattern with her?
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You know, I'm not sure. I asked her if she thought she could have depression and she said no. I think she's just tired, to be honest.
Ultimately, I think this is bugging me because I wouldn't do this to someone. If I knew someone had a medical condition that made them tired, I wouldn't moan to them about being tired. I just wouldn't. And I wish other people would show me the same sensitivity, and I guess I need to expect it from them. Gah. I'm not sure what to do with this friendship any more, really - I feel I haven't got much from it for a while now, but I also don't feel I can just bail on her.