Thank you, Syra. I like what you wrote about being a kid--what I put in bold below:

But the picture I get of me googling is a kid with his face pressed against a window watching what is going on inside, but he can't go inside. I'm wondering if you felt like that as a kid--left out of things? I can identify with how you described it. Socially, I felt like an outsider because I didn't talk very much so I didn't have a lot of friends. I always wanted to part of groups, but I never seemed to fit in. When I had these crushes on people, I used to find out information about them--secretly, of course. I couldn't ask; I had to do the research myself.

My T has told me a number of times that I can ask about her directly, but I still don't think that's acceptable though I do ask her some things. The way therapy is set up makes me feel shut out of my T's life, so the whole thing is triggering! I'm not looking for anything in particular when I google her; I just want to know more. You're right. The window is closed but I want to open it, or at least see through it as much as I can. I don't want to be shut out of her life. Early in therapy I told her I wanted to be a baby kangeroo and sit in her pocket all day. She liked that image. Maybe that's still what I want to do, and it could be the googling is an attempt to do it.