Why did I google my T again?

I'm not judging myself; just trying to figure out why. I know it has to do with last session when she said something about not being in her life so I don't know all her weaknesses and strengths. Then, when I pointed out how that made me feel, she was thrilled about my accomplishment. She said it was "old stuff", and was my desire to merge with her, and told me it was HUGE that I could see it, and tell her how it made me feel.

I don't think it was such a great accomplishment, but in any case, I think it was yesterday when I suddenly googled her.

The main reason is that I wanted to find something "new" about her--something I didn't know. I seemed to be driven to do that. I didn't want to use DBT skills. I thought of them afterward. If it's old stuff, it sure doesn't feel like it. I kept searching until I found something, but it's not enough. I don't know what I want to know. I just hate that I can't know.

This hasn't come up for a while, so I understand the trigger being what she said. I wish I could solve this in a way that satisfies me. I emailed her about it because I want to do more than "accept my feelings", and "distract myself". I don't want to have the urge to look her up and find things out about her. I used to do the same thing with the others I idolized in the same way. I don't look up things about my friends or even acquaintances.

I wish I knew what I wanted to know about her, but I don't think that's IT. If T is correct that it's about wanting to merge with her: the urge to merge, I have to just live with the pain when it comes up. That sucks. I did use the DBT skills of observe, and non-judgment. But I was too absorbed in my activity to stop myself.

This isn't about googling being right or wrong; I have to figure out how to live with these desires. A month or so ago I happened to see her new address online, went by her house once, and that was good enough for me. I don't need to do that again, and for once, I didn't tell her. But this seeking information is different, and I'm afraid I'll do it after I quit therapy, and it will upset me.

Maybe I need to ask her a little more about herself, but when will it end? What am I looking for? I know I'll discuss this with her next time. I know it will be easy for people to tell me "just don't do it", or "do it" but don't tell her, or "do it" and don't worry about it, but that doesn't help me with getting rid of the compulsion to do it.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe it's just a stress reaction.

When I found out my T was going to terminate me, I was insane with grief. I ended up looking and finding his address and phone number. I'd never done that or wanted to ever do that before. I think it was just because I was trying to hold onto him and because I wasn't in control of the situation.

To be attached and not know anything about the object of your attachment - that's a very uncomfortable position to be in.

I never got used to it. In the end, it broke my attachment to Madame T. Luckily I am not very attached to Mr T.

Were you getting that sinking feeling in your stomach again? Did it help stop that? What were you thinking before the feeling happened? -- these are the kinds of questions I would look to. That would track back to that previous session.

Thanks for your reply. I DO want to hold onto my T because I have to quit therapy in March. I'll still see her every month or two, but it won't be the same. I also want to know more about her; I've always wanted that. When I get in that frame of mind, it's hard to get out of it.

I know in my heart that I don't have to know more about her, and I already know more than many know about their Ts, and we have a great relationship, but......these feelings are very strong. She will relate it back to my mother but it's hard when I have the intellectual understanding about that, yet it still seems like it's about my T.

I do know a lot about my T; she's an open person. I'm glad that you don't have the attachment problems with Mr. T.

I wish I could remember, hankster. I think I looked on PC but knew I couldn't post, so I looked at my emails but there wasn't anything interesting. So, maybe I just wanted to attach to someone I feel close to, like my T. But I so strongly wanted to find out something that I didn't know about her, which I did. Nothing too exciting, just a photo from a high school yearbook and her interests. I think it did stop that sinking feeling because I was so absorbed in my search. Interesting that this thread is embarrassing me! I wish I wasn't so weird. I used the "googling" for check-in during DBT and I was also embarrassed because no one else talks about their T. I feel so weird. Guess I'm judging myself after all. Big time!

I do agree with CE assessment.. but I wanted to put something out there. Take it or leave it.. Maybe, you just want something to NEED to talk to T about? IT seems as though every time you google your T, it causes a crisis and it is something that only T can diffuse. Sure, it could all be about your mother, I suppose. I still think it has a lot to do with your T.

Thanks, healed. Well, I drove by her house and didn't even tell her. That was about a month ago. This time it's because of what she said in the session, which is, according to her, about my mother. It's transference, so it becomes about her too. She wants to deal with my feelings about her and transference feelings, so it's what we were going to talk about anyway, next time.

I agree. It has to do with my T and wanting to know more about her, like I've wanted to know about all these people in my past. It's a pattern, so it can't be just about HER. Does that make sense?

You googled your T again, because if you didn´t continue with your patterns, there would be no reason to be in T and you wouldn´t have anything to talk to her about or post in here?
You have gained alot of insight, know what to do and not to do. I am not sure anyone but you can make you change or give you a magical answer. Seriously Googling a T is something most of us do. It´s not a big deal and since you didn´t ring her doorbell, why spend time analyzing and ruminating about it.
It´s all about choices and the decisions you make or don´t make on a dailey basis, by now. (IMO)

Like most people in therapy, I have more than one issue, so I disagree with your answer. I have a lot of reasons to be in therapy. I'm analyzing the googling because I feel pain when I want to know more about my T and can't. It hurts but no one can really know another person's hurt, so I don't expect you or anyone to really understand. It hurts deeply and feels like she is shutting me out, and I start to feel like I'm sinking into quicksand. I appreciate your opinion, and thinking dialectically, there is some truth in what you said about wanting something to talk about here, and wanting responses too.

I I think get the pain when start googling and wanting to know more. It feels like you are shut out, and sinking into quicksand. Or, at least, it makes sense to me. I've googled my T. I told him about it too. I'm not sure why I did it. I feel uncomfortable afterwards. But the picture I get of me googling is a kid with his face pressed against a window watching what is going on inside, but he can't go inside. Is it like that? or is that just me and different for you.

I wish I knew why I googled him, and why I felt uncomfortable afterwards (he was fine with it).

rain you mentioned at one point it was part of an OCD thing ... that it was one reason you were trying meds and also the dbt
have you tried tracking what happens if you don't look her up when the urge comes?
eg does it grow stronger, is there a physical reaction, can you think of anything else or is the thought of looking her up all you can hold on to?
when you find something is there a sense of relief before the worry starts up or is the relief once you have told her about it ...
can you find a point where the urge leaves or isn't as strong and tell why that happens?

Thank you, Syra. I like what you wrote about being a kid--what I put in bold below:

But the picture I get of me googling is a kid with his face pressed against a window watching what is going on inside, but he can't go inside. I'm wondering if you felt like that as a kid--left out of things? I can identify with how you described it. Socially, I felt like an outsider because I didn't talk very much so I didn't have a lot of friends. I always wanted to part of groups, but I never seemed to fit in. When I had these crushes on people, I used to find out information about them--secretly, of course. I couldn't ask; I had to do the research myself.

My T has told me a number of times that I can ask about her directly, but I still don't think that's acceptable though I do ask her some things. The way therapy is set up makes me feel shut out of my T's life, so the whole thing is triggering! I'm not looking for anything in particular when I google her; I just want to know more. You're right. The window is closed but I want to open it, or at least see through it as much as I can. I don't want to be shut out of her life. Early in therapy I told her I wanted to be a baby kangeroo and sit in her pocket all day. She liked that image. Maybe that's still what I want to do, and it could be the googling is an attempt to do it.

Thank you, tigergirl. These are all excellent questions. I have to think about them but let me see what I come up with right now.

The urge to look her up happened again since we decided that I should be on PC only twice/week. I'm breaking that rule today because it's not so black and white as that. What I told T is that I kept checking constantly, FB and PC, and that triggered my anxiety. I'm not checking so much, so that part of the problem isn't present right now. I'm doing other things in my life, too.

I think the urge grows stronger until I actually do it. If I had to be off the computer and was out of the house, I'd be okay but I think I would have done it when I got home. I'm not sure. I also have to be triggered to do it. I'm not doing it now. It was T saying that I don't see her in her everyday life or whatever it was she said, which I can't remember exactly.

Maybe it's a form of SI because once I do it, I feel better physically but then I feel guilty, and it still doesn't feel like I know enough. The last time she told me not to google her, I didn't, for some months. I think that was during the summer. I stopped looking up her H and kids on FB too. It seems like once I get the urge, I have to act on it. T doesn't mind but she just says it's not good for me.

I found her new address over a month ago, and sat with that information. When it was convenient, I drove past her house. Once. No OCD, and I didn't tell her. The urge was to see where she lives, and that was all. I was satisfied afterwards. But, with googling, it just makes me want to do more, to see "what else I can find about her". It doesn't have an end. There could be something new at any time, and I am curious about it.

Thank you for giving me questions to think about and not judging me, tigergirl.

I ADORE this image, Rainbow...definitely going to hang onto that one and probably share it with my therapist.

By the way, I was thinking of you the other day...hopefully this isn't a hijack...I think I remember you saying you only want to use this website a couple of times a week? I found a cool Chrome plugin that lets you limit your time on certain websites. It's called "StayFocused." It's a Chrome extension but I think they also have it for other browsers, depending on what you use. I only allow myself 30 minutes on Facebook and 30 minutes here per day. This prevents me from dinking around and wasting a bunch of time thread-hopping! I think it syncs with your phone, too. And you can also choose the days, for example if you want to allow yourself more time during the weekends, it allows you to specify. You can also block specific search terms, so if you want to limit the time spent googling something (or someone in this case) you can plug that in, as well.

I'm curious, Rainbow, if you've ever followed your fantasy of knowing about T to its fullest? Have you imagined how you'd feel if you knew just about everything? What she eats for breakfast, what books she reads, what her favorite hobbies are, who her friends are, what her pet peeves are, what issues she needs to work on in her interpersonal relations, what her favorite subject was in school, who she admires, what was the last movie she saw, which toothpaste she buys, what's her favorite meal to cook, how she likes to decorate her house, and on and on.

So, when you imagine you know everything about her, what does that feel like?

And what about the things you learn that you don't like? What if you learn that she suffers from anxiety or depression? What if you learn that she loves to speed on the highway? Or what if she can't keep friends because she's flaky? Or if she has control issues or eats only toast and butter every morning? What if she's fixated on a celebrity that you despise or loves to read magazines that have no appeal for you?

I have a very good friend who is a therapist and her clients might be shocked with the emotional difficulties she struggles with. She's very good at her job and has a waiting list but she suffers from her own abandonment issues. What if you discovered your T is really not perfect like she has been telling you?

Although a therapist probably will not feel the burden, I think to put someone on a pedestal is a disservice to the one being placed on such an altar. And it can only cause harm to the one who is looking up. Eventually the recipient of that adulation will tumble and the shock of that fall from the pedestal could be devastating.

I hope the best for you, Rainbow.

Why not just Google away? Eventually you will run out of material and stop out of boredom. Of course you want to know about the person you're trusting and vulnerable to, not to mention one who you are confiding in with deepest secrets.

I can finally post in my thread again. I'm glad you like my image with the kangeroo, PumpkinEater. Thanks for telling me about the plugin. Maybe I'd be better off limiting my time rather than day, since I check my emails every day also.

Thank you, skysblue. I thought about your question but I don't know the answer. My guess is that I'd still feel left out because I still wouldn't be IN her life, doing those things WITH her. I don't know all those things about my H. I don't know them about anyone, so it's a hard to even imagine. It makes me uncomfortable to imagine it because reality hits me! I can also see what a disaster it would be, if I WERE in her life. Intellectually, that is. It's more comforting to think of being a baby kangeroo hanging out in her pocket all day!

The other question you asked about finding out stuff about my T that I don't like, has happened already. Her divorce was a major shock because I thought she had a good marriage--at least I thought that for a couple of years. That certainly took her off the pedestal for me. There are some other things as well, that make her very different from me, though in a way, it made me respect and admire her more for ending a marriage after 25 years. I KNOW she's not perfect, but I still idolize her. I know my feelings don't match up with my knowledge at all. It's like being in love or infatuation when you ignore the shortcomings. My T has enough "attractions" for me that I ignore the negatives. Maybe it would balance out if I knew more of them. I don't know. I think I NEED to see her as perfect. I want to see her that way. She touched on that when we talked about her being a regular person.

Maybe, Petra. But I won't EVER run out of material. That's the point. New posts about people can show up any time, and they do. I can find something new about my T every few months, or if not, I can reread what I already know. I don't get bored with doing it--not yet, anyway. I think I'll just tell her today that I want to know more about her, and that I don't want to stop googling her, and see what she says. We have to talk a lot about separation from her, anyway.

It is discouraging to have a T go through divorce. If they make such a mess of their own relationships, how can they help us?

I think that choosing to divorce is not necessarily a sign of 'making a mess of their own relationships'. Possibly it's a sign that the individuals involved are wise and brave enough to know something is not working anymore and that it's time to make a change.

Ts are human like anyone else and many go into the field because they've had struggles themselves. It's how people handle problems that is important, because everyone has them. In marriage, sometimes divorce is the right solution.

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