Quote:
Originally Posted by iScottM
I've had to increase my therapy sessions as well as my Clonex dose the past week.
I keep having monster panic attacks in which I feel like I am moving outside of myself and my mind is somehow in front of me (like I am not only outside of my body but my mind as well).
It's horrifying because it's like everything is external (including my thoughts). I feel completely terrified because I feel l have withdrawn to a place where my I am looking at my mind from the outside and so I have no mind of my own (if that makes sense).
I know I have a major conflict between two selves (one is childish, angry, sulky, and spontaneous and doesn't trust anyone, etc...). The other is an unhappy adult who is embarrassed by the child part. The embarrassment is so deep that I experience it as coming from other people (I don't hallucinate, I just feel like I am being watched and being humiliated).
Sorry if this isn't very coherent.
I dont know if it really makes a difference in practice if this is DID or PTSD, Im just really creeped out by not being in control of who I am. Its like I am being attacked by parts of me that I don't even experience as parts of me.
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your topic question..... Alter vs. 'Traumatized' Self? ..... Im sorry we can not tell you which is which when you are feeling them...
what we can say is whether we have had this same problem and how our own treatment providers have dealt with it and what our own treatment providers say about one vs the other....
when I have felt like I could see my mind well my own treatment providers called it hallucinations, delusions, psychosis... a change in my meds fixed the problem.
how my treatment providers came to this conclusion is that the type of alters that are with DID are not perceived in the same way in which someone perceives hallucinations, delusions, psychosis....
using the wording of your own post....
my mind is somehow in front of me.....I am looking at my mind from the outside....
when I talk like that using the single person reference to my mind, my body...its hallucinations, delusions, psychosis..
but if I stated those same things in DID terms....
Rainy's mind is front of me.....I am looking at Rainy's mind from the outside...
then my therapist would say to me ....hey did you hear what you just said....your healing path has just taken a fantastic leap forwards
keep this up and you and Rainy will be as one in no time. you have just taken the first step into sharing and co consciousness with her. thank you Rainy for allowing us to witness some of your thoughts and thinking process.
your own treatment providers may have a different idea and way of explaining what is happening to to you..
my suggestion go according to what ever your past, present or future treatment providers say this is with in you. they are the ones in the best position to help you with this. All we can do is tell you what we do in this kind of situation.. I contact my treatment providers, they assess the problems, change/adjust meds when needed and I kept on working with my therapist.