Alter vs. 'Traumatized' Self?

I've had to increase my therapy sessions as well as my Clonex dose the past week.
I keep having monster panic attacks in which I feel like I am moving outside of myself and my mind is somehow in front of me (like I am not only outside of my body but my mind as well).
It's horrifying because it's like everything is external (including my thoughts). I feel completely terrified because I feel l have withdrawn to a place where my I am looking at my mind from the outside and so I have no mind of my own (if that makes sense).
I know I have a major conflict between two selves (one is childish, angry, sulky, and spontaneous and doesn't trust anyone, etc...). The other is an unhappy adult who is embarrassed by the child part. The embarrassment is so deep that I experience it as coming from other people (I don't hallucinate, I just feel like I am being watched and being humiliated).
Sorry if this isn't very coherent.
I dont know if it really makes a difference in practice if this is DID or PTSD, Im just really creeped out by not being in control of who I am. Its like I am being attacked by parts of me that I don't even experience as parts of me.

your topic question..... Alter vs. 'Traumatized' Self? ..... Im sorry we can not tell you which is which when you are feeling them...

what we can say is whether we have had this same problem and how our own treatment providers have dealt with it and what our own treatment providers say about one vs the other....

when I have felt like I could see my mind well my own treatment providers called it hallucinations, delusions, psychosis... a change in my meds fixed the problem.

how my treatment providers came to this conclusion is that the type of alters that are with DID are not perceived in the same way in which someone perceives hallucinations, delusions, psychosis....

using the wording of your own post....

my mind is somehow in front of me.....I am looking at my mind from the outside....

when I talk like that using the single person reference to my mind, my body...its hallucinations, delusions, psychosis..

but if I stated those same things in DID terms....

Rainy's mind is front of me.....I am looking at Rainy's mind from the outside...

then my therapist would say to me ....hey did you hear what you just said....your healing path has just taken a fantastic leap forwards keep this up and you and Rainy will be as one in no time. you have just taken the first step into sharing and co consciousness with her. thank you Rainy for allowing us to witness some of your thoughts and thinking process.

your own treatment providers may have a different idea and way of explaining what is happening to to you..

my suggestion go according to what ever your past, present or future treatment providers say this is with in you. they are the ones in the best position to help you with this. All we can do is tell you what we do in this kind of situation.. I contact my treatment providers, they assess the problems, change/adjust meds when needed and I kept on working with my therapist.

Sorry you're having this experience. It's not that similar to anything I have experienced, but once I really felt the hurt, pain, terror, etc. things started changing around inside for me, like the landscape was changing under my feet. It was very scary. Most recently, in the post office and driving down a street I know well, I (or somebody "else" inside of me) wondered "How do I know how to do this?" In my situation I do think the idea of a "traumatized self" makes sense. What might have been a normal ego or something had instead focused on internal cues, trying to manage things (dissociated parts, unwanted feelings, etc.) inside. Now it's starting to focus outward and doesn't quite know what's going on. Other parts of me, had been "taking care of business" in the outside world for much of my life. Or so it seems.

The panicky feelings -- they're certainly awful. And not being in control -- well, that's probably how you got along all these years. Several years ago I complained in therapy that I had murdered my own soul. Well, not so, even when I said it. If it was murdered then I couldn't know because it would be gone. But extensively paralyzed almost to extinction. Just not entirely quite. So now, and in the recent past, it was painful and creepy, like when a foot "goes to sleep" and then wakes up. But getting better, I think.

Hope this isn't too off base.

Thanks - no, it is not off base at all.
Thanks for sharing this and Im glad things are getting better.
My therapist always uses the same analogy about "the landscape" changing.
Intellectually, I know that is what it is. It's just disorienting.
I've also had what you described above, like suddenly someone inside me wakes me and he/I am looking out.
In fact, you hit it on the head about how jarring it is when you start looking outward rather than inward. It's like this person/me/whatever has been looking inward for so long that when he looks outward everything is off kilter.
Thanks so much for your post.

Something happened to me in session a few months back. One of my others was talking about something that happened to her. when she was done my therapist ask me how I felt about that having happened to me. When she said that I felt the wind knocked out of me but I also looked out and felt a tremendous amount of clarity. And it was gone in a flash and I was annoyed with my t for having said that. I want to get back to that feeling of clarity. It was like a windowed opened and I could see the bright sun and sky. It this what you mean by looking out. Does any of what I have said sound familiar to you. It's important to me. Thanks.

I had DDNOS, not DID. I didn’t have as many parts as I understand folks with DID do and I didn’t lose time. I had a “rational” part that managed most of my day-to-day life and two internal protector parts (seem like mostly introjects from my parents), and a little girl part that I (“rational”) only got glimpses of occasionally. I now think that she is probably the basic “me” (or self).

So, here’s an idea, but may not be right for you, of course. If one of your others was talking about something and your T asked how you felt about that having happened to you, then your T saying “you” may have triggered the basic you into “existence” briefly. And what happened to “you” had apparently happened in the real world, outside where the other was dealing with it, rather than – if your basic “you” was like mine – something internal you paid attention to. But because we are VERY concerned about paying attention to and managing our internal world, for reasons that were very important in the past, then it could make sense that you were annoyed with your T for taking your focus off that, even temporarily.

But if you’ve looked “out” once, it would seem like you can again. When “you” feel safe doing it. Also, for me, I think I’m getting pretty integrated so there’s not so much internal “stuff” that the basic me (or self) has to manage.

I told my T about how I felt at the post office and she said it wasn't that uncommon as people get better and that one of her other clients said that she hadn't noticed before how bright colors are.

Your post gives me somethings to think about. I was annoyed at my t for saying "you" because we were talking to a little one. Someone that I see separate from me. When my t said "you" there was a moment when I realized that it did happen to me because we are all one just in parts. That realization hit me between in the chest. We are actually one person. It was a shock when she said it because it was real. At the same time I suddenly had a powerful feeling of clarity. In my minds eye I saw a blue sky and bright sunlight. Than the window closed. There is something to that experience and something to the insight you referenced about looking outward instead of always looking in. It's a shift of perception, and perspective, a change in how I function now. I never thought about it before but I do look in all the time. We all spend a lot of time focusing on what each of us is doing, saying, wanting etc. The outside world is not as real as my inside world, for me. I have ones who are in the world but most of us are never in the world. Right now the closest we come to being in the world is at session talking to t. There is something to what you have said I just need to clarify it in my head.

just wanted to give you a bit of information...please dont try to compare yourself to others with your disorder or with another disorder it can lead you in the wrong direction for example the diagnostics for DID is that the .....least....number or alters (some locations use the term parts rather than the term alters and alternate personalities) a person with DID can have is two special types of alters.. your post lists more than two so its not really good to try and compare yourself to people with DID by how many number or parts you have vs how many parts a person with DID has....the general rule here in america is that a person has as many parts that was needed in order for them to survive...that means some people with DID have the minimum of 2 parts and others may have more....there is no limit such as you have to have more or less parts then another person and the diagnosis for dissociative disorders does not put a ..........maximum........ limit of parts gets you this disorder or that disorder here in america. the only limit is the least amount someone can have, which is 2 parts.

the best rule of thumb is to go according to what your own treatment providers, location, culture.....rather then trying to compare yourself to others. you are a unique individual who has as many parts that you needed in order to survive, thats all thats important where number of parts and dissociative disorders is concerned.

Sorry, amandalouise. I was trying to describe how my experience was likely different from Claritytoo. She had asked me a question and said that it was important to her. So I wanted to answer but, as you say, we are all unique individuals and I had some concern about answering her. Nevertheless, I did my best. Do you have a concern that my answer may have lead Clarity in the wrong direction?

here today, your response to my concerns is greatly appreciated. You have given me something to think about, a different perspective than I am used to. I never gave it any thought before but everything about us comes from inside. Everything is monitored and dissected before we feel it. We are always looking in. Talking to one another, seeing what we are doing or thinking. When I had that moment of clarity at session I was looking out. Outside myself. Like I was a part of the world ouside of my parts/system. I can't explain it better than that. But I thank you for your response.

no I was concerned that you were leading yourself in the wrong direction. Im glad you are ok.

I'm sorry I can't read that is a lot but ((((((((hugs))))))


Hilde