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Originally Posted by Claritytoo
My experience is similar to yours. When I am in session I will dissociate and others will talk during session. I am there, at least I believe I am but sometimes later in the day I don't remember all of what we talked about in session. And it is difficult sometimes to find the info. I don't feel like I lose time but I do have gaps when I look back and try to remember session from start to finish. I use an ice pack or cold water to ground myself. It works well for us. I have tried to keep a journal in the past. What I found is that when I go back to read it I don't recall writing about a third of it. Often when I am reading something I have written I will have a rush of emotions like anger, anxiety and confusion. Usually that will cause me to stop reading and I most often don't go back to finish reading. Having said that I do think keeping a journal has helped me. As far as what is normal and what is dissociation I have almost no idea, because I don't know what it is like to function without dissociating. It is all I have known since I was small. Even when "normal" people explain how their brain works I have no working concept of what that feels like or how it would present in my brain. What I have experienced on a few occasioins are moments of clarity. Moments when I find myself looking out instead of in. I hope some of this helped. Take care.
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Everything you have said is very familiar to me. I know I was at my T appointment for an hour, but I can't remember a lot of our conversation despite knowing I was there and interacted with her. And I often read my journal and think it's very unfamiliar to me. I remember sitting down and writing, but so much of it feels so foreign and not me. It's a very weird feeling.
I don't often have floods of emotions. When that does happen, I end up shutting down and sometimes even fall asleep. It's like it exhausts me and I collapse not just emotionally, but physically as well. And I sleep for a few hours to regain my sanity.
And I also have no clue what it's like to not dissociate on a regular basis. I think life would be very overwhelming.
Some more info if someone else wants to try to help: my T talks about how there's a "little me" that is inside me. And I intuitively know she's right, but I have no idea how to get in touch with this inner person. I know she's there, but she's afraid of me (I don't blame her...I am very harsh towards myself). I think I'm afraid of her, too. And my T talks about how trauma causes you to split off and become emotionally frozen in those times.
How can I get past the roadblocks to be able to make sense of all of this. I feel like just one part of who I am, and sometimes feelings or thoughts will come out of left field and shock me. I know there's a lot that is buried (I'm almost never angry, but when I am, I am rage-filled, and the same goes with sadness, guilt, and most of my other negative emotions), but I have no idea how to make sense of it all.