Dissociation?

My T says that I dissociate in sessions, but I don't lose track of time or anything like that. So I'm not sure what she's referring to. I know that I'm still "me" while there. I sometimes feel like I change states, if that makes sense. There's me when I am irritable and angry, me when I'm depressed, me when I'm anxious, me when I'm overwhelmed. These aren't just feelings, but whole changes in thoughts, beliefs, responses, and choices. Faced with the same situation in two different "states", and I will have two different ways of thinking, feeling, and responding.

I know for a fact that I experience amnesia, derealization (living in a dream type of feeling), and depersonalization (outside my own body). I also feel separate from how I am feeling sometimes, like I have no feelings and am numb when I should have a lot of feelings. Or I will have strong feelings surrounding something one day, and have absolutely no feelings for it the next.

So my questions are:
1. What of this is normal and what is dissociation?
2. How can I make it stop? (Most "grounding" techniques I have learned make absolutely no difference.)

My experience is similar to yours. When I am in session I will dissociate and others will talk during session. I am there, at least I believe I am but sometimes later in the day I don't remember all of what we talked about in session. And it is difficult sometimes to find the info. I don't feel like I lose time but I do have gaps when I look back and try to remember session from start to finish. I use an ice pack or cold water to ground myself. It works well for us. I have tried to keep a journal in the past. What I found is that when I go back to read it I don't recall writing about a third of it. Often when I am reading something I have written I will have a rush of emotions like anger, anxiety and confusion. Usually that will cause me to stop reading and I most often don't go back to finish reading. Having said that I do think keeping a journal has helped me. As far as what is normal and what is dissociation I have almost no idea, because I don't know what it is like to function without dissociating. It is all I have known since I was small. Even when "normal" people explain how their brain works I have no working concept of what that feels like or how it would present in my brain. What I have experienced on a few occasioins are moments of clarity. Moments when I find myself looking out instead of in. I hope some of this helped. Take care.

Everything you have said is very familiar to me. I know I was at my T appointment for an hour, but I can't remember a lot of our conversation despite knowing I was there and interacted with her. And I often read my journal and think it's very unfamiliar to me. I remember sitting down and writing, but so much of it feels so foreign and not me. It's a very weird feeling.

I don't often have floods of emotions. When that does happen, I end up shutting down and sometimes even fall asleep. It's like it exhausts me and I collapse not just emotionally, but physically as well. And I sleep for a few hours to regain my sanity.

And I also have no clue what it's like to not dissociate on a regular basis. I think life would be very overwhelming.

Some more info if someone else wants to try to help: my T talks about how there's a "little me" that is inside me. And I intuitively know she's right, but I have no idea how to get in touch with this inner person. I know she's there, but she's afraid of me (I don't blame her...I am very harsh towards myself). I think I'm afraid of her, too. And my T talks about how trauma causes you to split off and become emotionally frozen in those times.

How can I get past the roadblocks to be able to make sense of all of this. I feel like just one part of who I am, and sometimes feelings or thoughts will come out of left field and shock me. I know there's a lot that is buried (I'm almost never angry, but when I am, I am rage-filled, and the same goes with sadness, guilt, and most of my other negative emotions), but I have no idea how to make sense of it all.

your questions....

1 only your treatment provider can say what is normal dissociation and what is abnormal dissociation in you....

what I can tell you is......in general..... normal dissociation is sometimes feeling numb, spacey, times when a person feels they are just going through the motions with out feeling, times when they feel disconnected, or changed, times when they feel their world (environment and people around them) may feel changed in some way, too slow, too fast, ....

2 how do you make it stop...again only your treatment providers can say how .....you....can make it stop.....each person has their own ways, coping skills, tools if you will for how to make their dissociation symptoms settle down/go away/stop.....

for me what helps me is doing something physical like rowing my boat on the lake, taking a walk with my dogs, ....I also take medication to help with those dissociation symptoms that come from my depression, anxiety and work stress.

my suggestion keep working with your treatment providers, eventually you and your treatment providers will find what works for you.

My t has suggested that I draw or paint so that my little ones can express themselves. I have a difficult time with that. Anything that sounds like play causes me to shut down. I have been thinking about closing my eyes so I can't see what I am drawing than maybe I will not shut down. I have to see. I have some little ones that were afraid and in a corner. They did talk to one of my younger parts. I was able to gain their trust because the younger part encouraged them to trust me. They are out of the corner and close to me now. They have memories I am not ready to see so they still stay to themselves but they know now they are safe. So maybe one of your other parts can talk to her to see what is on her mind. I find the little ones really do want to talk about stuff. But they really need to feel safe.

Some people refer to switching alters as dissociating and some just mean spacing out. It confuses me. I switch alters and don't lose any time. This just means that my parts aren't as separate from each other as they would be if I lost time.

I had a small part that would repeat one sentence over and over in my head. I wrote a poem to her, I've written some to the other young ones, and encouraged her to watch me until she felt comfortable trusting me to talk to. Since I've learned about different parts we've kind of formed a family-like bond. I've realized I couldn't have survived without them. That realization and encouragement from my t to ask the questions and listen for answers without judging has made a huge difference in my healing.

Sent from my XT1032 using Tapatalk

Hazelgirl

It sounds like your T knows what they are doing. Therapy is different for everybody. Trust the relationship that you have built with your T. Therapy is exhausting so if you need to sleep after a session do so. Don't be in a hurry to move road blocks. Sometimes there are other things to be dealt with first before your alts will be able to move. Relax. Dissociation takes different forms. Its a hard road but its going to be okay.

It's just difficult to face some of the effects that abuse had on me. I had myself convinced that it didn't affect me that badly. I was doing well overall. Yeah, there were some things, like difficulty trusting, but nothing too major.

But the more I finally start facing this stuff rather than running from it, the more I am seeing exactly how much damage it caused. And that is really hard. I tried so hard to not let it bother me, to push it away and rise above it. And yet, I couldn't. It makes me feel like a failure. I should have been able to overcome it, but I wasn't. I failed at that. I won't have a normal life. I won't be able to just leave it behind. I will always have the marks and emotional scars from it.