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Originally Posted by lsw626
I've been married for nearly 20 years. We got married under less than ideal circumstances but have managed to co-exist and raise (I think) happy healthy children. By no means a bad marriage-just clearly one more of convenience and status. Over the years I truly tried to communicate this to my spouse and was rebuffed as simply a "phase that would pass". I found hobbies and got involved with my kids to make it bearable. About 3 years ago I finally tried to make my voice heard that I wasn't happy and had fears/doubts about the long-long term: as in after the kids had left the house. The relationship cooled but was tolerable- varied from roommates to friends with benefits. Well, over the course of about a year spouse got involved with a co-worker and it eventually became an affair. In truth I did see it coming from all the classic signs:new clothes, long business trips, calls/texts etc. I felt because things weren't great for us that I could look the other way and let the mutual support they were getting from each other be,in a weird way, a positive thing. Well, spouse started becoming very obvious (pictures, notes, social media) in a way that my children could see and started pressuring me for sex. At that point I confronted and said that the gig was up, that I wasn't mad but felt we needed to confront reality, and that I wanted to separate/divorce. While I appreciate my spouse, my feelings had waned long, long ago, and with this fiasco my respect has gone to zero. Spouse then lost it and began self flagellation, apology, begging, "things will be different" etc. I fear that if I don't go along with this it will become ugly for my kids, but I'm at conflict with what I know to be the reality of my feelings/the situation of the past years and basic self respect. Any thoughts/similar experiences/advice appreciated. Many thanks  |
Your marriage never was a marriage in the first place, as you stated it was one of convenience and status. First off, with regards to the children even before the adultery, fact is it never was ideal for the children anyway. They see all of this and in truth I guarantee they could see a loveless marriage. So although I believe in marriage and making things work, if there is no real love and commitment in the first place, it's just a piece of paper, truly at that point. What do you think that teaches the kids anyway? I'm not here to bash you or tell you you're doing anything intentionally harmful to the kids at all, I understand your reasoning, but I only say this to make a point. Now that clearly your spouse (not sure if it is a male spouse or female as you're ambiguous on that point) has engaged in an affair, why should you have any reason to remain together?
Truly you say it may be worse for your children if you don't "go along" but I call bullsht on that idea. It will be worse on the kids if you let it keep on. Truth is he/she has been caught in adultery and called on it, of course they are apologetic and acting lke they will "change" Every cheater does this. They cheat because they like the idea of having their cake and eating it too. if they wanted another relationship instead of the one they have they would leave. But they like to have both worlds, balancing on the fence between mistress and spouse. In going along with it, I feel you would be telling them that it's ok and eventually they will do it again. There were no consequences if you just go along now.
That's just my thought.