calling a spade

I've been married for nearly 20 years. We got married under less than ideal circumstances but have managed to co-exist and raise (I think) happy healthy children. By no means a bad marriage-just clearly one more of convenience and status. Over the years I truly tried to communicate this to my spouse and was rebuffed as simply a "phase that would pass". I found hobbies and got involved with my kids to make it bearable. About 3 years ago I finally tried to make my voice heard that I wasn't happy and had fears/doubts about the long-long term: as in after the kids had left the house. The relationship cooled but was tolerable- varied from roommates to friends with benefits. Well, over the course of about a year spouse got involved with a co-worker and it eventually became an affair. In truth I did see it coming from all the classic signs:new clothes, long business trips, calls/texts etc. I felt because things weren't great for us that I could look the other way and let the mutual support they were getting from each other be,in a weird way, a positive thing. Well, spouse started becoming very obvious (pictures, notes, social media) in a way that my children could see and started pressuring me for sex. At that point I confronted and said that the gig was up, that I wasn't mad but felt we needed to confront reality, and that I wanted to separate/divorce. While I appreciate my spouse, my feelings had waned long, long ago, and with this fiasco my respect has gone to zero. Spouse then lost it and began self flagellation, apology, begging, "things will be different" etc. I fear that if I don't go along with this it will become ugly for my kids, but I'm at conflict with what I know to be the reality of my feelings/the situation of the past years and basic self respect. Any thoughts/similar experiences/advice appreciated. Many thanks

If you don't go along, with what in particular, will things get ugly for your kids? Isn't seeing their father having an affair, ugly enough?

I realize, that may come across, as harsh, but I do wonder, what is a marriage, these days?

Pressuring you for sex? Why, what happened to the other person? Yuck, I wouldn't want them back either. I too have a long dead marriage. What in the world would adult kids need to worry about?

I've been browsing this forum for a similar situation and finally found it. We've been married for 7 years but heading down the same path as yours.

The marriage is tolerable. We have a nice home and a happy child. I get to work part time which leaves me time to spend with our son.

When you find your answer let me know. Personally, I feel stuck, ignored, and lonely. I have tried to talk many times, he nodes his head pretending to listen and appears to holding his breath waiting for me to finish. His eyes are usually somewhere else and I have to ask him to look at me. He says he loves me but walks away while I am telling him about my day (all good things, I'm not complaining or saying anything bad). There's more stuff but won't get into it. What it boils down to is I feel lonely, emotionally abandoned.

I've been trying to save money in case I ever get up the courage to leave.

I question if that will help me feel less alone. Will I be happier? Or is it better to be in a relationship where at least someone is physically there, does not hurt you, and is a good provider? I'm past 45 years old and honestly have no interest in being with anyone else. I'm just tired of not having someone who I can truly call a partner. I want a husband that listens and acknowledges me. And will make dinner for me when I sick or at least bring me a cup of tea.

I hope you will update on what you decide to do.

Peace

I feel for you both. I'm 42, was married 17 years, my ex and I have 1 child now together in her teens. Emotionally abusive marriage with infidelity on his part. Took a huge leap of faith and bravery - I left, got legal counsel, got what I was legally entitled to. Was it stressful? Oh yeah. No intention of marrying again, lol. However, I am deeply in (mutual) love with a wonderful man that my daughter adores (and vice-versa). My ex and I are able to co-parent and keep any non-parenting related contact to a bare minimum.

Best of luck to you. I'll be 43 next month. I feel free! I am free and you deserve the best in life.

Uh Boy! To Everybody who has posted here so far(except Rainyday, smart girl) I think we should form a support group ~ we all have many things in common.

I can say without hesitation I would love to be out of this weird marriage I am in. My spouse did the same thing; left with no notice, was carrying on with others, in RL & online, encouraging me to "find someone who could get along with me" (cuz I'm just so darn difficult!!!)
Pretty much the Last Thing in the world I wanted to do is find another man. Then, I did meet a nice enough man accidentally, had a nice friendship, etc. (BTW, 10 yrs my jr, & 20 yrs H's jr.). It was sweet & just what I needed to pick myself up off the floor & move on.

And then, guess who shows up..."confused! Sorry! I want my family back!" Completely blames me for his weird behaviors &/or has conveniently forgotten how horribly hurtful he has been. Couldn't bear the thought of another man moving in on his lovely family. He didn't want us but no one else was gonna have us either. (this is emotional abuse to a T)
So dopey me went there, thought it was the honorable, 'right' thing to do, repair my marriage. I took him back, er...he muscled his way back in & never left. Guarding the castle perhaps... still has a long distance GF that he thinks I shouldn't mind about...WTF. Trust me, I know how nutty this sounds, I am living it At least we have separate bedrooms. I cannot ever feel good about a physical relationship with him anymore. (stupid twerp)
Guess who is miserable? Both of us. We keep it light. No fights. No point.
I am doing the best I can to pull together a plan of escape. I will execute when the timing is right for me. I cannot, at my age, be struggling again, as bad as that sounds, don't judge me. I will have what I need & no more, and we will both live considerably happier lives in our older years. I should not have to suffer because he destroyed what was a good life.
For me, I just feel like,... what a dope he is. He had it all in his hands, the thing he claims to treasure, and he crushed it. His dreams, my dreams.
Now my dream is for peace. And maybe I'll find joy again which is more likely without this delusional nut bunny.(did I mention he is ADD/OCD untreated & defiant about it?)
Wish me luck on my journey...as I wish you so much ...

Hi NWG, if a group gets formed on this situation could I please be included? I'm just getting a handle on my ex who was/is an emotional abuser however passive he is. I identify with so much I've read that I'm finally feeling a bit of validation for thinking this way. Thanks

If the kids are adults, my take would be to divorce. It hasn't been a marriage for quite a while.

Hi!

I can not say how much a relief this page is. I feel so lost and confused and feel like you all may be the support and knowledge I need to figure this out. Here is my story and I'd love some advice.

My husband and I met abroad when I was 18. We fell in love like a fairy tale beaches, wine, food, money flowing and nothing to worry about. While being away on different work contracts I found out he had lied to me about a few details his age, his parents being divorced. None the less I got over it after taking a break and we continued to love and work abroad. Since then moved home (6 years ago) opened my business, got married, had baby. I opened up my own business which has boomed but grown so fast that I have had to expand and need all the help I can get. (Which he doesn't not help, only dictate and tell me what I'm doing wrong or better yet telling me how I have screwed up). Which I know I haven't I have been supporting us while he went through 6 months of non paid training for work. This is just the start of it, my son was premature and my husband blames me for all his health issues (premie, had to have bowel surgery, was unable to breastfeed). He's also told me I'm unattractive, that he doesn't like me, that I constantly mess up everything). This week was his birthday and my son has been sick and we talked about maybe cancelling his birthday dinner with his friends I had planned. He told me that it was for my satisfaction not for his birthday, I was so mad and after several nights of no sleep I lost it. And sent a long message of my frustrations. I said he was making me feel awful for trying to do something special, that on the sleepless nights he yells at me like why I can't get him to sleep and bangs on the walls. It was his birthday today and I just didn't know what to say... I have him his present and wrote a special card and got stuff for a nice dinner after work I was also at the hospital all day with our baby so didn't get to see him till after work. But I can't bear to sit with him and have a quiet night. I don't know what to say.... Does anyone feel like they just have no fight left? Don't know what to say? I feel like I want to leave and find a happy life even if it's just me and my little man.

Ps I caught him on a dating while my son was in and out of the hospital.

Help please !

Is the misery worth staying for?

That is what I'm trying to figure out if it is. I feel like I'm in limbo. When do you know?

I left when the mental & emotional abuse was too much. I tried everything to get him to understand what he was doing to me. My depression got so bad that I couldn't even function at work. Got me fired! Now I live with my son. Been separated for 1 1/2 yrs & he is still hanging on. He won't sign the papers. If anyone gets a group together let me know.

Ok, so after a long time of just being in limbo with arguments constantly arising I finally said something.

He sent me a thing from wiki: how to be in a successful relationship. I read it and we both agreed we do none of it. I then just started to pour. I told him I don't like the way he speaks to me which is why I get defensive and that somedays I'd rather do this (parent) on my own because at least I could control my happiness. He said that is sad, and I said I totally agreed but I'm so angry and hurt by him. That I blame my sons prematurity on me too but he is ok and healthy and beautiful. That aside you (my husband) has said a lot of rude and hurtful things that I know you meant. I have huge wounds and they aren't healing no worse no better... Just in survival mode. After all this was said I feel relieved. I also told him I know I have become witch like and that it's a two way road it's just how I feel. But I came home tonight after work and can see how bad I have hurt him. I feel awful.... But I feel like he needed to know. Was that wrong, thoughts or next steps please?

Your marriage never was a marriage in the first place, as you stated it was one of convenience and status. First off, with regards to the children even before the adultery, fact is it never was ideal for the children anyway. They see all of this and in truth I guarantee they could see a loveless marriage. So although I believe in marriage and making things work, if there is no real love and commitment in the first place, it's just a piece of paper, truly at that point. What do you think that teaches the kids anyway? I'm not here to bash you or tell you you're doing anything intentionally harmful to the kids at all, I understand your reasoning, but I only say this to make a point. Now that clearly your spouse (not sure if it is a male spouse or female as you're ambiguous on that point) has engaged in an affair, why should you have any reason to remain together?

Truly you say it may be worse for your children if you don't "go along" but I call bullsht on that idea. It will be worse on the kids if you let it keep on. Truth is he/she has been caught in adultery and called on it, of course they are apologetic and acting lke they will "change" Every cheater does this. They cheat because they like the idea of having their cake and eating it too. if they wanted another relationship instead of the one they have they would leave. But they like to have both worlds, balancing on the fence between mistress and spouse. In going along with it, I feel you would be telling them that it's ok and eventually they will do it again. There were no consequences if you just go along now.

That's just my thought.

Hi- this is the OP again. I completely 100 % agree with the last post. It's been a while since the original post and not much has changed. I've developed a thicker skin where my kids are concerned and see the value in modeling a strong, responsible parent (mom- I'm female) for them to see. I've had friends and family comment on how I seem to be more relaxed and connected with my kids which has given me the motivation to stay steadfast. Spouse is adamant that it won't happen again, but that's besides the point for me. The affair was a symptom of a larger problem that has been there all along. Since my feelings haven't changed it's only a matter of time before it happens again. Not to cast stones at him-he's only human and obviously had a need that wasn't being filled and will continue to be unfulfilled in the current situation. The issue now is that he refuses to leave and denies to anyone that we're having anything more than "a few troubles"- he's really concerned with appearances. As such he has no support and is petrified of being alone with zero plans for life going forward. I find it supremely frustrating to be patient yet firm and am quickly realizing that I will have to be the "bad guy" and initiate everything, from telling the kids and family to actually moving out. I realize the dangers of being the one to leave and plan to see a lawyer to draft a document that shields me from an abandonment charge when I do leave. I'm looking for a higher paying job, saving every penny I can, and combing for rentals that I can afford as he's "not sure" he can afford to help out. So, basically, like most of the people here, my situation sucks, but I'm holding onto the hope that the situation is temporary and that my LIFE doesn't necessarily have to suck too. Thanks for your words!!

Good for you Happywifehappylife. Stand strong and don't fall for the poor pitiful me act.

I have been looking for this advice, "keep it light and no fights because what is the point".
I have to live with my husband who wants a divorce, but wont because he would have to split our asetts

Oh wow....that was what I constantly went through every time I tried to get the divorce....he always made it impossible to deal with the assets....like he wasn't going to give up the house.....I should have just gone ahead & filed & let the judge make the decision.....you know you can do that if the H is being totally impossible.

I am doing an out of state divorce now after I left almost 7 years ago after a 33 year bad marriage.....I left everything in the house....& he has the house....I got my mother's inheritance which wasn't his in the first place & took it & left....so I own my farm & my truck.....but I still have cloths that I never was able to bring here & basically everything else that we accumulated over 33 years of marriage....he even has my piano that I had from the time I was in 7th grade because I can't haul it 2100 miles across the country.....he also has all my mother's furniture that we took out of her house before I sold it......& after paying the IRS bill that he managed to major mess up on with my inheritance....I had gone through a horrible trauma & was struggling with the anorexia it caused & had been in out patient hospital that January because I was having so many horrible flash backs......I wasn't in any state to force him to take my taxes & have them done by a professional......anyway....I forced him to take his retirement from a company he had worked for....it was just enough to cover the IRS bill.......so I sent him a list of the things I was putting in the divorce & it was basically the whole retirement fund because I was paying the IRS bill & didn't want to have to communicate with him.....he claimed that the retirement fund isn't even on the table because after he dies I get 75%.....got news for him....it's 50/50 in Calif....& by virtue that I ended up having to leave everything there.....actually 100% of his retirement is truly fair to make up for all the other assets he has ended up with & will probably sell......but I surely understand how the issue of assets is definitely a stumbling block. It's more of a problem in an out of state divorce because it's harder to force them to sign the papers from 2100 miles away....or get an agreement....or even if the judge does require something they have no authority in the state he lives in......so we will see what happens.....

I have other medical issues right now that have taken priority over the divorce.....but will see what ends up happening in the long run....I just want to get the divorce & get him out of my life...not that I hear anything from him anyway as he never communicates....once I left....I never heard a peep out of him....even to tell me about the letter from the IRS....or when he quit paying the property taxes & let the house go to foreclosure (he ended up re-negotiating the loan).....then quit paying that on time.....he's a complete incapable, helpless idiot.

Eskielover, I hope your medical problems are on the mend.
It helps me to hear about how other people handled these marital messes. I feel for you, 7 yrs. is a long time to have to be still dealing with divorce. Feels like it has been that long for us and we haven't even started yet.

There's a legal document, Order to Vacate. Serve it on him, when you file divorce, or if you leave, take the kids with you...(oh, and child support can be filed immediately...not sure if he can 'help out?' what's that all about?! He adultered...)

half this stuff can be filed on your own. obtain counsel, well before court dates...Most courts have a probate office with forms, then other offices, poke around, clerks can be useful